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Relationships

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Original poster

Moving in with new partner ?!

12 replies

Missing4u · 14/01/2018 08:45

I'm hoping some of you straight talking ladies can put me in my place, as it were.

Recently, my ex has decided to move in with the OW. They've been together for a few years now, although he has always denied her being in his life and the children have never met her or her child.

I'll admit I had a selfish moment of anger, but now I feel that my children have not been thought of in the process.

This weekend is the last time they will stay at their father's house - the next time will be at a new home, with his partner suddenly being there.

They only see him 1 day a fortnight and I just feel like their feelings haven't been taken into account - a stranger and a child now suddenly live with their dad.

To counteract that slightly, they've decided that her child will be with her father when the children come to stay. Which makes me think there will be more confusion and questions about where the child is that dad lives with ...

I've asked that for the first few months they cease over night visits and gradually build a relationship with this woman, but he feels that he doesn't need to etc.

Am I being wrong in my thought process ?!

We've had a really amicable split , he has been welcome in my home - he has been welcome on trips out , we've celebrated birthdays etc all together - and now he seems to want to rail road the children into this.

OP posts:

Kit1411 · 14/01/2018 08:50

Hi, I agree that is should be gradual, they don’t know this woman. How old are your children? And her child?

Original poster

Missing4u · 14/01/2018 09:00

Mine are under 7 and I think hers is slightly older.

My children are very conscious already that they don't have more time with their father - this is a choice of his and not mine.
I work full time and would welcome the extra help!

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 14/01/2018 09:43

It really depends on their personalities.

My child was 6.5 when I introduced her to my now fiancé. I told her I had a boyfriend and she said "ooooooh - swit swoo! Can I meet him?!" She would have been totally fine to stay overnight the first time. She was young, very easy going and loves being involved!

I'm going to look at his from his side... he's waited a long time before introducing, and he's not putting them through step parent and step sibling at the same time. That's good.

You are seeing a negative in his stepchild not being there - but honestly, if they were, wouldn't you be posting it was too much too soon?

We don't always agree with other people's ways, but they're not bad. My child met her dad's girlfriend "as a friend". I personally hate that, I believe it is lying to children and could undermine trust. The reality? Two months later she came home with the same "swit swoo" giggles, having just been told.

Given their ages, unless you have specific reason to think they won't take it in their stride - I think they'll just take it in their strides!

for you - not so easy for us sometimes.

Ellisandra · 14/01/2018 09:45

And - your children understand and live the concept of two homes. Why would there be confusion if they are told that the child who lives there, is currently with their father?

Original poster

Missing4u · 14/01/2018 09:59

It's not confusion.
It's the underlying feelings that it would cause.
Knowing another child spends more time with your father than you do - yet you don't know them etc.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 14/01/2018 10:22

It's really common in second families that stepchildren spend more time with a man than his own kids do. Has happened for my daughter. I was worried it would be an issue for her - her stepsister doesn't have a father around at all, so I thought my daughter might feel really pushed out - especially as her father is really weak, so stepmother rules the roost and the pair of them have really "taken over" her home.

I was really worried about it. My daughter appears not to give a shit. (We're 3 years in now)

I feel for you, I had lots of worries too. I think adults can underestimate children's emotions - but also, overestimate them.

I know you have the added complication that they won't immediately meet the other child. But I doubt it's going to stay like that forever! The adults will probably prefer to synchronise weekends so they have free time together.

I think that your approach of waiting several MONTHS for overnights is wrong - unless your children had a specific anxiety around it. Especially because you're already concerned that they don't see him enough, and they're aware of it.

In my experience (mine and friends' divorced) young children do not need long and gradual introductions, and can be happier just being clear on what the new situation is. More confusing to go from staying with daddy to not staying.

Ellisandra · 14/01/2018 10:25

TBH, I'd use the opportunity of the change of living circumstances to talk about contact arrangements. 1 night a fortnight is pitiful. What an arse he is.

Original poster

Missing4u · 14/01/2018 10:42

He won't have them anymore than that.

I don't want to stop the overnights and wouldn't have if he hadn't of quit his job and decided to move all in the same month.
They could have atleast met her a few ones before the overnights with her there were involved ...

My little girl is already very angry at not having her dad around, I am very positive about her father and do try and facilitate more time with them but he won't be flexible.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 14/01/2018 11:10

So have you stopped the overnights or not?
You said you'd asked to and he said no. But not you say you 'wouldn't have' - so it sounds like you've over ruled him.

Really I think you're wrong if you stop them - in the absence of a specific anxiety from your children.

This is a stable relationship he's in, yes? It's where he lives. They are of an age where children are generally accepting of new situations and adapt quickly.

You will make it only harder for them by dragging it out - especially as they miss time with him now. And you run the risk that he'll get used to having the easy life he clearly likes - and never start having the overnight again.

Let them go. I know it's hard. His way is not mine - I'd have met on a day out / meal out first. But honestly... If he'd done that and it went OK, I'd have been OK with the overnight next time. And I don't think going straight to the overnight is the worst thing in the world either.

Contact is the greater good here.

Ellisandra · 14/01/2018 11:11

What has him quitting his job got to do with you wanting to stop the overnights for now?

Original poster

Missing4u · 14/01/2018 16:19

Because he lives where his job is.
Thus only moving in with her because of the job coming to an end.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 14/01/2018 17:35

OK, so him quitting his job isn't relevant to the overnights - it's just related to the decision to move on witb his girlfriend.

Good luck, I know it's hard. But I really think you're going to cause more problems for your daughter by blocking overnights than not. She's angry at not seeing him much - don't reduce that. There's no reason why an introduction that includes an overnight can't be handled sensitively. Even if not sensitively, if you insist on her coming home for several months, she's more likely to feel pushed out by the move by him (and that's not fair, because her father isn't trying to reduce it) and she'll see even less of him.

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