Husband is leaving. I'm in bits

[user1471556456]

Please, I need some help/advice, I am in shock and don't want this to be real.
Background. Married with 2 children that are secondary and college age. Brief split 5 years ago for just over 3 months as we were arguing and that was my choice.
I was told by my husband last night that he wanted to leave. It was shitty how he did it as he just turned up where I was and within a minute had told me that he had wanted to leave for a year now and isn't happy, he had slept with someone else once in this time to see if he needed to get it out of his system but that he has realised he is happy at work but not at home.
I was calm mainly because I was in shock. The kids went to a family overnight and I spent hours and hours asking him why didn't he talk to me about this etc. I told him how he has been...distant, detached and I thought it was work so I left it thinking it was best not to stress him anymore. What a fool I was!!! I asked him if he felt depressed but he said no, just numb.
Haven't slept all night, being sick, headache and I am not coping. Keep thinking of the kids which breaks my heart and what we had is gone.
He's asleep and when he did wake briefly I asked him to talk to me. He said he was tired and off to sleep he goes. How can anyone do that after telling someone what he told me.
I don't know how to digest all this!

Your DH can sleep because he has no feelings as be said he is numb. The worst part for him is over he has told you he is leaving you
Talking with him over and over about his decision to leave is not going to change things and will only make you more upset.
Your children are teenagers they are not babies and I think their father needs to talk to them about his decsion to leave not you.
Make a list of all assets, house, car,
Bank accounts. In an earlier thread similar to this a member suggested taking photos of every room to record the contents. You need legal advice as soon as possible
Good luck

He left your marriage along time ago so for him he feels free now that you know.

Time to get practical. Get your paperwork together. Get copies of all his paperwork - i.e pensions, investments etc. Have you joint accounts? If so it might be an idea to remove half to your own. My STBXH didn't drain ours but many on here do.

Do you both work? If so what are your salaries. You'll need to think about your living arrangements.

So much to think about but you'll get through it. Mine left me for OW 7 months ago today.

Hi. I know you're right. It's just so out of the blue and it's like I'm looking at someone I don't know.
I will get my assets together and try to make sense of all this.
Thank you for the advice.

Don’t have any experience, but didn’t want to read and run. I am so sorry this is happening. It sounds like you are in shock, can you get someone to come over to be with you today? Sister? Or best friend? Make sure you eat and rest when you can. Much love

Sorry to hear that wasdoingfine. It must have been a hard 7 months.
We both have good saleries, work full time. Home is rented and no debts that I know of.
Lucky in that sense I suppose.

My ex did something similar. He told me he was leaving and had made arrangements for me to see some houses the same day! I was shell shocked. He drew all the money out of our joint account. I was too soft and got shafted financially. Please get copies of all paperwork and freeze any accounts. You need to ask how much maintenance he is going to pay or apply to CMS before he takes on other commitments. It is hard but you will get through this and come out stronger.

Sorry to hear that.
I’ve been through it too.
You’ve had good advice and I know you’re in shock but please get your business head on.
You will come through this and life will be better.
It just hurts right now and the pain and shock will just seem too unbearable.
Try to get as much real life support as you can to help you piece your life back together.

My friend has just had the very same thing happen OP. She is 45 and has teen and early 20s children and with no warning her husband of 25 years has just left.

He said the same as yours. :(

I won't lie, it's been awful for my friend and very hard on the children but they've coped better than we thought they would.

My friend is slowly recovering but from what we've read, it could take two years before she feels happy.

Have you told anyone else?

I’m sorry to hear it’s come out of the blue for you. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find he’s got a ‘girlfriend’ very soon men seldom leave without someone else lined up. He’s an utter bastard for not telling you when he first realised he wasn’t happy, but sadly, there’s nothing you can do about that now.

Although it’s really, really hard and you want answers and to ‘fix it’, it’s far better to just accept it if you can. No answers are adequate and you’re better off without someone who just ends it, without discussion.

Try to focus on the practical stuff and believe in yourself. You and the kids will be fine, probably happier than you were, you just have to get through this crap first.

Make him tell the kids with you there. Make sure he tells them HE isn’t happy, none of this WE shit.

You need to drink lots of water and eat, you probably won’t feel like it, but you’ll just end up feeling bloody awful if you don’t and you don’t need to make it harder on yourself. Little & often.

You will come out of the other end of this stronger & happier.

Rented makes it easier as it's one less thing to have to sort financially.

My STBX thought l was going to be a pushover and he would get what he wanted...more fool him.

Who's name is the house in?

@user1471556456

Sorry to hear this. It happened to me, ditched quite literally. Won't go in to details but my STBH was a 'Runaway Husband' if you want to google it.

He did the I love you but I'm not in love with you speech... 'The Script' to a tee. Evidence of the OW appeared weeks later.

It has been devastating for me and the DC. Utter carnage. The lying is worse than the OW tbh.

Anyway I don't believe your DH OP. Sounds like he and the OW had been talking, there was a sense of urgency and intent and that's why he went and confronted you. They basically acted in haste for whatever reason?

I'd probably look back 5 years ago as to why this has happened now? But then what's the point? The only reason you would is for you to make sense of it. Google 'untangling the skein of fuckedupness' by Chumplady. It might help.

I suggest you google the stages of grief which might serve as a bench mark as to where you are now emotionally and what stage you are next.

This is a good website:

www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2014/03/06/affairs-how-could-you/

So he just turned up at wherever you were and blurted it out?Agree with pp. sounds as though it was urgent otherwise why not wait until you got home? Especially since he claims to have been unhappy for a whole year. There more to this. So sorry for you . Hand hold here 😔

Lots of good advice here. I know it doesnt feel like it right now but you will be just fine. I hate to be that person but I did want to say that given he has slept with at least one other person that you should get yourself tested honey. Just to be safe. Get your stuff together and get the next chapter of your life started without him. You've got this.

It's so tough but by the time it gets to this stage the other person has often been thinking about it some time and has mentally checked out. It's very hard to be the partner while the other person is going through this process - I remember it well and it was actually easier once the decision was made.

Be kind to yourself - you'll be in shock for a while.

@windowdresser44

It's very hard to be the partner while the other person is going through this process

Sorry confused? Who is the other person going through this process in the context of OP's situation?

Thank you everyone for all the advice and support.
I managed to sleep so that has helped and I spent yesterday talking to a few family members I trust who are shocked and angry at what he has done. Right now I'm thinking how dare he do this and looking back what a doormat I have been. I'm so angry and I'm beginning to hate him.

I've spent the last year supporting his career and him working away as and when he needed to whilst I hold down a full time damanding job, dealing with the kids, managing the home etc. How dare he do this. I even put my own career on hold for him to achieve what he wanted.
I told my eldest last night that her dad left and I had no choice over it. She broke down and I told her I would never leave her and she has me to rely on. I've told her that her dad doesn't know she knows the truth and to speak to him face to face when she can. As upset as she was, she appreciated the honesty and knows I will be there for them. She said he had been horrible to her and my youngest, shouting and swearing at them for no reason. This came out of the blue and I spent last night wanting to hurt him. My youngest thinks he is working away as I can't handle both knowing yet.
I feel like I have a clearer head today and in my lunch break I will be getting bank statements and asking them to open a separate bank account as I get paid today and he's not using my pay check to do whatever he's doing.
I will check checked out and I hope for his sake I'm clear as every tom, dick and harry will know if I'm not.
Thank you again.

Sorry, @bibbidee reading my post back, it didn’t make a great deal of sense!
I meant being the person whose partner is checking out is tough. Lots of odd behaviour, withdrawing from family life, loss of affection etc with no explanation. It’s vile to be on the receiving end of it.
Hope you’re ok, op.