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Original poster

What to say to DH when he takes offence that I would want house half in my name and a post-nuptial agreement

25 replies

dontholdthepoo · 14/01/2018 00:58

Been married 6 years and have 3DC. I have reached my tolerance of DH sending bits of money to my account and having to account for it.

I want a joint account, a post nuptial agreement and I want the house half in my name.

DH is doing the whole "I can't believe you don't trust me to have your best interests" thing..

What is the answer to that?

OP posts:

verystressedmum · 14/01/2018 01:02

Your answer to that is that you are not one of the children getting pocket money and you should be treated as his equal and partner.

As you’re married the house is a marital asset and you become entitled to a share of it.

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/01/2018 01:02

Irrelevant whether he ‘has your best interests’ - you should both have equal access to money and why does he not think so? Does he not trust you?

Repeat ad infinitum. Half the house doesn’t matter if you’re married, it’s a marital asset as long as you both live there.

verystressedmum · 14/01/2018 01:03

What’s a post nuptial agreement?

violetbunny · 14/01/2018 04:32

I think you'd be best off to see a solicitor and find out what you'd be entitled to already if you split.

It would be useful info to know your entitlement before you consider a post nup, plus it might give your DH a wake up call.

The joint account however is the absolute minimum I'd be happy with so I'd keep pushing for that!

TheStoic · 14/01/2018 04:45

”I can't believe you don't trust me to have your best interests" thing.

You say the same thing back to him.

LolitaLempicka · 14/01/2018 05:09

Why do you want a joint account? Was the house bought together? If so why are you not on the deeds? Do you have plans to go back to work? Then split childcare costs.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/01/2018 05:18

DH is doing the whole "I can't believe you don't trust me to have your best interests" thing..

I can't believe he thinks you're a child. Would he put up with begging for scraps of money?

Anniegetyourgun · 14/01/2018 06:53

You shouldn't have to prove you trust him by putting yourself in a position of helplessness. Suppose he got run over by a bus tomorrow? How long before you could access the money you need to keep his children fed and housed?

Btw I think a post nuptial agreement is commonly known as "marriage"

Shoxfordian · 14/01/2018 07:14

He's treating you like a child

I don't know why you had any tolerance for this in the first place

daisychain01 · 14/01/2018 08:29

A post nuptial agreement has the same legal standing as common law marriage - it doesn't exist and is a figment of the imagination.

RainyApril · 14/01/2018 08:43

I can see why he's upset about the post nup, most unusual unless you're separating imo.

The house is a marital asset so no changes necessary, but interested to know why your name isn't on there already?

Regarding access to money. Are you a sahm or do you have your own money? If a sahm my advice would depend on what % of his salary he transfers to you and how long the arrangement has been this way.

So if he's transferring half of what's left over after household expenses for a fixed period, because you are on maternity leave for example, then I wouldn't be as worried as if he transfers £100pm and gets arsey if you ask for more.

Pagwatch · 14/01/2018 08:49

Your answer is

"This is a perfectly routine step for two people who have children and love each other. I do trust you but EVERY SINGLE TIME you complain and resist then it worries me. Yes it does."

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2018 08:53

"I have reached my tolerance of DH sending bits of money to my account and having to account for it".

His behaviour towards you is he being financially abusive. You need separation rather than any sort of post nup agreement. He does not and has never wanted to share.

Quartz2208 · 14/01/2018 09:25

That you are an adult and are perfectly capable of dealing with your own and his best interests as well. Frankly he does sound financially abusive

Ellisandra · 14/01/2018 09:34

"You are right, I don't. Making our finances open and shared and fair would be a good step towards me believing that you do."

YellowMakesMeSmile · 14/01/2018 09:41

The house will be seen as an asset of marriage regardless of the deeds. The split would be determined at the time of divorce.

You can't insist on a joint account, lots of marriages don't have joint accounts and manage just fine. Without knowing how much he shoulders bill wise and what's left between you nobody can say he's being financially abusive,

Presumably you have no earnings of your own so look at addressing that, go back to work and split the childcare costs then in the event of a split you can support yourself and the children. It's not healthy being so heavily reliant on another adult as anything could happen.

Lostin3dspace · 14/01/2018 10:03

Tell him:
Marriage is a financial contract. 'All my worldly goods I thee endow'. Etc..
If you don't understand this, then it is a breach of contract.
Fine then, I want a divorce, I will get half the house, but as I'm sahm and carer for the children, I'll probably be able to live in it with them until they reach 18. You will have to find your own place, and pay maintenance for the kids. You' ll probably have to pay me spousal maintenance as well. I'll have half your pension too.
Sure you don't want to just share marital assets?

Cambionome · 14/01/2018 10:11

Do you know how much he earns op, or does he keep you in the dark?

Definitely don't stand for this "sending bits of money" and then you having to account for it. He is treating you like a child, and you need to sit down together and work out your finances as a partnership.

Cambionome · 14/01/2018 10:14

Also second the going back to work (apologies if you already have). If I had my time again I would not allow myself to become financially dependent on someone else ... especially someone who sounds a bit untrustworthy like him!

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/01/2018 11:06

As others have said:

You're married, house is marital asset regardless. But it would be a nice gesture to put your name on deeds to make you feel more like an equal.

Post nuptials don't exist in UK law so totally pointless. (We all watch too much US tv.)

If you have to account for what you spend then so does he. Sit down together and work out incoming and outgoings. Then budget. Perhaps he is worried about balancing the books, but doesn't want to admit it. 2 adults and 3 kids is hard to support on 1 salary. Maybe there isn't as much money as you think.

Reframe how you say things. Less 'stop treating me like a child' and more 'i am an adult who wants to take equal responsibility you in the financial management of our family'.

I can understand your frustration at being kept in the dark about finances and being treated like a child with pocket money. Monthly expensives (including kid's clothes, school clubs/pocket monet etc should be budgeted for and automatically transferred to your account if you are the one to pay them. As should an equal share of leisure budget. You should have as much money as him to spend as you wish. Unbudgetted expensives/bills should be discussed in an adult fashion and either transferred to your account to pay or paid from his account. Any monthly savings (if there are any!) should be in a joint account, and withdrawing from after again being discussed in an adult fashion.

GallicosCats · 14/01/2018 15:06

Seconding Thingsdo's post. Although I rather like the idea of a 'pocket monet' - that sounds like it might be worth a bit.

RainyApril · 14/01/2018 15:29

There's quite a bit online about post nups in uk law, are we sure they don't exist here would have to misinform op?

divorce.co.uk welbsite

this is money website

telegraph article

RainyApril · 14/01/2018 15:29

*hate

DriggleDraggle · 14/01/2018 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisychain01 · 14/01/2018 17:09

Sometimes parties may seek to enter into a postnuptial agreement if they are experiencing difficulties in the relationship, particularly if financial stress or uncertainty is one of the underlying issues,” Green says. “In these cases, the postnup will eliminate any uncertainty so that the parties can focus on the marriage without worry about financial matters.”

Yup absolutely great if both parties are cooperative and prepared to enter into a "post-nup". And they are invariable the thing when the relationship is going through rocky times.

Soooo .... back in the real world, if one party is already being difficult and obstructive, the likelihood they will "play nicely" and fairly is somewhere between zilch and bugger all.

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