Something weird happened with my dad

[Wyrdesista]

Years ago when I was a child my dad had some inappropriate behaviour.I don’t know whether I’m making a mountain out of a molehill here so just wanted advice.

I can’t remember much when I was a child but I have a memory of my fathers penis (probably completely innocent as I think it was in the bathroom) maybe i was 3.Some things are fuzzy and I wonder whether I blocked things out.

The only thing I can really with certainty remember and which seemed inappropriate at the time was I was sitting eating breakfast with my school uniform on. I was about 12 I think and only just started wear8ng a bra.My dad walked behind my chair and ran his finger down my back over my bra strap. I remember freezing and not really knowing how to react.

I used to find porn in strange places,usually by accident and none of it was really controversial but some of it was group sex,voyeurism and wife swapping.His relationship with my mother was very strained and they parted when I was young (he’s my biological dad).

Is this strange? Or am I making something out of nothing.I have dc and now feel I don’t want to leave them with him and they only see him when I’m with them.

It's hard to say, but I think if it bothers you now it's worth exploring and maybe talking to someone about it. There may be more memories that come back to you if you start to talk about it more or you may realise that all is fine. I would say I certainly have memories of seeing my dad's penis as a child, but I don't feel weird about it. He was literally using the toilet or getting out of the shower and I happened to walk past and the door wasn't totally shut. The context obviously is important there. And I don't feel uncomfortable about it as that's the sort of thing that happens when you live with someone. My daughter (who's 4) will most certainly have similar memories as she routinely busts in on my dh using the toilet or changing even though he's shut the door and we've had many conversations about privacy. So by itself, not weird or worrisome, but I would say it has more to do with how you feel about it.

Similar with the porn thing. Back at that time, there was no internet, so if men were to use porn, it was largely in magazines. It wasn't quite as private as internet porn would be today. I also used to find porn snooping in my parents' bedroom and also at my grandparents house (presumably my grandfather's). Sometimes it was left out rather than put away, but I suspect (thinking about it as an adult) that it wasn't intentional and was more a matter of probably having been caught in the act trying to have a bit of privacy that it didn't get put away before I came busting on it.

The bra strap thing is maybe more concerning. In itself maybe completely innocent, parents touch their children on the back and shoulders all the time and it could be nothing. But I think you're right to maybe thing about it and try to figure out why you felt the way you did about that. That could lead you to thinking about things differently or remembering something else if there is anything to remember.

Just wondering, have your kids always only seen your dad when you supervise them? Was there a reason? Or is it just since you started to think about these things? We have someone with a history of child sexual abuse in our family (like he's been convicted, been to prison and is now back in the community) and obviously does NOT have any contact with our kids. But even before I knew for sure, I definitely always had sort of weird feelings about him, but could never quite place it. So I think there is something to trusting your gut, but obviously you don't want to overthink anything that could be perfectly innocent as well.

I think if he ran his hand down your back and you instantly felt wrong then somethings not right - I'd consider counselling.

I hope I don’t sound like a troll or whatever but what are you hoping to achieve by asking the question? Are you worried about the safety of your own children? These incidents add up to nothing but you are questioning whether your Dad might have been/ be a paedophile. if you were only 12 he may just have been curious about whether you were wearing a bra or a vest.

I think if my dad were trying to find out if I was wearing a bra or vest by touching me at age 12, I’d find that very weird and disturbing. On the other hand, I could understand an affectionate pat on the back if he was walking past you and then dragging his hand up your back as he moved on. But the thing is, you’d know the difference at 12. If you were uncomfortable then you probably had a reason to be. I guess the question is what do you want to do next? Do you want to talk to him? Talk to a counsellor? Let it go?

There isn’t even a molehill here to start making a mountain out of. Why are you having these thoughts about your Dad?

Op, if you feel there is something wrong with your dad's past behaviour and you don't trust him with your dc, then trust yourself. Exposing you to porn at a young age is wrong.

I'm another that doesn't see an issue. My ex was telling me he was watching porn from a very young age as he always found his dads lying around. (Some people aren't very good at hiding things) and the rubbing your back he could have just been rubbing it! I pay my kids on the back it means nothing.

He didn't sit there playing porn to her so I don't think he was "exposing" her to it she said she found it on accident.