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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating Friend of Ex

19 replies

Lifeisabeach09 · 13/01/2018 22:10

What's the etiquette? Is it a big no-no?
Ex-boyfriend and I broke up in May 17 after a 2.5 year on and off relationship. 10 day relapse in August.
Now, his friend and I have been spending time together. Very casual at this point and no intimacy as yet (We bumped into each other one evening a couple of months ago and exchanged numbers.)
He is really growing on me-kind, attentive, genuine, a real gent. I like him a lot and we get on really well.
The ex and I have no contact-dating the friend with have no impact on me in this respect (I have nothing to lose), however, I think it will likely affect their relationship. Although, the friend doesn't seem to think so.
Not sure what do.
Advice appreciated.

OP posts:

ThisLittleKitty · 13/01/2018 22:13

I don't get why people do this.

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/01/2018 09:34

Do what? Like someone that knows their ex? If you come from a small town, everyone knows everyone. Can't be avoided. And even in cities there are niches. I was a punk (still am i suppose, just don't look it) and everyone seems to be friends with everyone regardless of geographical location.

If this new guy says he wants to progress it's up to him to check with ex their friendship will continue. If ex can't cope it's up to new guy to decide if friendship with ex or potential new relationship with you is more important. If you both end up hanging out with ex in a group it's up to you if you're ok with that.

When my husband and i go to gigs we end up hanging out with several exs, including my exhusband. It's not a big issue as long as everyone is over everyone else.
It was an on off relationship that's been over 6 months, and they're not best friends by the sound of it. I won't consider it an issue at all.

DarthNigel · 14/01/2018 09:39

I wouldn't do it personally. It chased a World of possibly unjustified hurt to the ex-for a variety of reasons.
If you are doing it speak to the ex first at least-don't let them find out by accident.
(Or actually maybe the friend should-if you didn't part on good terms-it's actually the action of the friend the ex might find harder I think)

CandiedPeach · 14/01/2018 09:51

How close his this friend? If one of my close friends started dating my ex, it would most definitely effect our friendship.

But it’s on the man your seeing not you. You no longer have any loyalty to your ex.

The only thing that would concern me, is that I value people with loyalty to their friends (if deserved) so if one of my ex’s friends made a move and didn’t have any regard for their friends feelings/thoughts on it. That would make me question if they were the type of person I wanted to date.

Angelf1sh · 14/01/2018 09:54

I wouldn’t do it. I’d hate it if it were the reverse so I’d never do it to the ex. Plus you’d end up spending time with th ex if they stayed friends too and that would be awful as well.

NataliaOsipova · 14/01/2018 10:04

I think it depends on all the relationships involved, to be honest. My friend was dumped by her BF and was hugely upset about it. I randomly bumped into him at a tube station about six months later (liked him, got on well in the past etc) and he suggested we went for a drink. I wouldn’t consider it, because I knew friend would be really, really upset.

But - a friend of mine briefly dated an ex of mine and it caused no issues whatsoever. We’d dated, mutually decided it wasn’t going anywhere and stayed friends. So no huge upset on either side and we are still good friends (and he still sees me a lot with my DH and DC). So no problems whatsoever if he dates a friend of mine.

Presumably your ex’s friend will have his own views on this; I wouldn’t leap to the conclusion that he’s a “bad un” at all. If it was an on/off thing with your ex, he may have no hard feelings and wish you well.

sirlee66 · 14/01/2018 10:04

2.5 years isn't a massive amount of time. Especially as it was in and off so I'd say deffo a go for the friend.

If you'd been married for, say, 17 years then I might see a bit of a red light.

At the end of the day, life is short.do what makes you happy!! Sod the ex

SandyY2K · 14/01/2018 10:04

I did it before I got married and it did affect their relationship.

I didn't really feel bad because he cheated on me ... I found out and ended it .. he begged to come back. I should never have agreed...because my heart wasn't really in it ... but the sex was really good.

I then hooked up with his friend... who was already my friend and the one who introduced us. Then I dumped him.

The older me wouldn't do it. Did you have a bad break up with your Ex?

Original poster

Lifeisabeach09 · 14/01/2018 11:19

Thanks for the advice all.
The break up wasn't amicable. He wanted out. The easiest way for him was by cutting me off completely.
The friend has a close relationship with ex.
I agree with a lot that has been said 1) I don't want to hurt the ex, however, he might be alright with it. 2) I don't want there to be trouble between ex and his friend. 3) I like to think I'd be fine if ex dated a friend of mine (he has a right to be happy).
It is unlikely we'd all hang out together, although I feel I'd be ok with this. The ex would likely find it awkward because he doesn't seem capable of having friendships with previous girlfriends.
I, also, agree that it is the friend's responsibility to have the conversation with ex.
Appreciate the feedback.:)

OP posts:

MrsRolandRat · 14/01/2018 12:07

I wouldn't even go there.

A good friend went behind my back with my ex whom I also have a child with.

I cut off the friendship as I like friends who are loyal. I obviously have to have a relationship with my ex because of our child but as far as I'm concerned the ex friend can go take a long walk off a long pier!

Most people would agree with me I think when I say don't shit on your own doorstep.

MrsRolandRat · 14/01/2018 12:08

Short pier

MrsSchadenfreude · 14/01/2018 12:11

I married a friend of my ex. It wasn’t an issue. It was a reasonably mutual break up. Ex was an usher at our wedding and also brought his new girlfriend, who was a friend of mine (and still is).

ThisLittleKitty · 14/01/2018 12:16

I wouldn't date friends. And I don't get why people do. The world really isn't that small. I would just back away before any feelings did start getting involved but then I've never been close with any of my exes friends anyway. I wouldn't like it if someone done it to me either.

SandyY2K · 14/01/2018 12:23

So he dumped you... I'd be less bothered about his feelings in that case.

I know it's early days .. but I tend to try and look long term... is this likely to just be a fling.... are you looking for a serious relationship?

In other words...is it worth it for a bit of fun... or would you like it to lead to a long term relationship?

TheNaze73 · 14/01/2018 13:41

I think the new guy, shouldn’t do that to his friend. It’s a total no no.

Myheartbelongsto · 14/01/2018 14:00

I agree, this is a no no.

Cricrichan · 14/01/2018 22:41

As he was the one to dump you I don't see the problem.

SavageBeauty73 · 14/01/2018 22:43

I don't think it's a problem.

Mcakes · 14/01/2018 22:56

It is a completely individual thing surely and depends on the specific relationship dynamics.
I got together with my ex's best friend a few months after we broke up. We are still together 20 years later and the ex is going to be best man at our (very belated) wedding. Genuinely water under the bridge and no weird feelings from either side.

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