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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is being a pain in the bum

16 replies

Jennisaurus · 26/07/2004 23:54

I have not been on MN at all recently, sorry!

My DH in the past few months has basically stopped doing anything in the house or for the baby.
We both work full time, and we have a 8mth old DD.

I often work 12 hour day shifts, on these days I am still getting the baby up, washed, dressed and fed before he is even awake and then when I get back I have to feed her and put her to bed and then make our tea and clean the house. I am very very tired of all this, espeically at the moment as I am doing some extra work on top of my normal job.

I am basically doing all the childcare (including getting up with her in the night) and all the housework. I have tried talking to him and hes not interested. I don't know what to do, I love my husband very very much but I can't work a 46 hour week doing a physically demanding job, look after a young active baby and manage a house all on my own.

I don't think there is anything I can do I just wanted to tell someone!!

OP posts:
mit · 27/07/2004 01:45

Oh - this sounds awful Jennisaurus..... He needs a good kick up the bum!

Can you afford to get a cleaner? - this might jolt him into helping out if he realises you'll be paying 20 pounds out a week. He needs to get his act together re child care - is he good with your dd when he is with her?

Just tell him you need help, and he has no choice but to help you, unless he can afford to support you so you can quit your job - harsh I know but it sounds like it's needed.

He did promise when you got married to love and support you.....

I have a 7mth old dd and can't imagine how tired you must be doing it all on your own AND working - get bossy! mit x

lou33 · 27/07/2004 10:31

Hi Jenn, welcome back, although I'm sorry it's such a sad post . Has your dh said why he has stopped helping? Has anything happened which may have caused this shift in sharing? Could he be depressed?

suzywong · 27/07/2004 10:33

Hi Jenn
sorry to hear he's being such a lazy so and so
Do you get on with his mum? maybe you could have a word, well a rant really, to her and hope she can tell him to pull his finger out.

mummytosteven · 27/07/2004 10:37

oh dear, poor you jennisauras (and no wonder that you've not had the time to post on MN).has your dh explained why he has stopped doing this? would you stopping work/cutting back your hours be a complete financial disaster - just those 12 hour day shifts sound absolutely gruelling with a baby etc to look after. is there anything that you could completely stop doing - like dh's laundry/ironing/making meals for him? what did your DH used to do in the house or with DD?

Blu · 27/07/2004 10:45

Oh poor you. I assume this is a new and uncharacteristic development? is he depressed? is he struggling to come to terms with the new complexities of life with a child? Does he feel pushed out because you are such a coper?

Let everything go to wrack and ruin (except care of your DD, of course) on a kind of 'work to rule' - you do as much in the house as he does - and see if he cares / notices? Allow the fridge to run empty a couple of times, or the washing to pile up so he has nothing clean - and act innocent - oh dear you are so tired from getting up in the night you hadn't noticed....

Getting a cleaner sounds like a good idea, too, to take the pressure of YOU, but it doesn't solve the problem of his indolence. Also - do take into account that it is OK for standards to slip below your previous child-free life, you know! Working parents really can't be expected to cover everything, so if you are worrying about what's behind the fridge, don't!

Yorkiegirl · 27/07/2004 11:03

Message withdrawn

bran · 27/07/2004 11:30

I would definitely follow Jennisaurus' advice. You could even have have something to eat before you leave work or on your way home and then tell you dh that you're too tired to cook or even to eat and leave him to it. Two or three days in a row and he'll be much more interested in shopping/cooking. If you didn't use it then don't wash it up/pick it up/clean or iron it, if he complains tell him you want to do it, but you're just too exhausted.

I blame his mother - didn't she teach him to do this stuff?

bran · 27/07/2004 11:31

Sorry, I meant Blu's advice, obviously.

motherinferior · 27/07/2004 19:05

Sweetie, this sounds TERRIBLE. Blu and Bran are right. Work to rule. Whatever he's going through is NO excuse.

Original poster
Jennisaurus · 27/07/2004 20:15

Thanks for the replies. I sometimes leave stuff but nothing really happens, aside from I end up with a bit pile of washing up to do!! I have to keep the floors and surfaces clean because my DD is into everything.

He has always been a bit on the lax side, but its just sort of slid into this now. No idea whats going on, he is still quite emotionally supportive so thats not so bad! I am tempted to stop cooking for him though

OP posts:
motherinferior · 27/07/2004 20:39

Jenni, you say he's 'not interested': does he just not listen AT ALL? It's totally unsupportable IMO. Seriously, I don't see why you should cook for him. Or wash up for him. If you have to keep surfaces clean, can you just put all his stuff into a plastic box, rather than tidy up/wash up? (Seriously, this is what I do with dp's stuff - we have a very different domestic deal, but he's utterly rubbish about tidying away his clothes so they now live in a Box.)

twogorgeousboys · 27/07/2004 23:10

No cooking for him and no washing or ironing of his clothes.

JPM · 27/07/2004 23:53

I'd go to the extreme Jennisaurus to get your message across. He's obviously not listenening so it's time for action. Take yourself off for a day out somewhere and leave your DH to cope with the house and DD - better still make it a couple of days away.

almost40 · 28/07/2004 02:43

This same exact thing happened to me. I was about to leave DH, but things sort of magically changed around when DD turned 1 yo. He enjoyed watching her more on the weekends, and I asked him if he would just let me have a few hours on the weekend to run errands and go shopping, etc. He agreed, and it made a really big difference.

charliecat · 28/07/2004 08:05

My dp is often a lazy so and so and constantly needs reminded that hes sitting on his backside while I am running round like a twat.
I find if I do the tidying up and then give him the hoover he will do it, or if after a mountain of dishes im pissed off I say your doing these tommorow he has 24 hours warning and so does it without whinging.
We have had many arguements about it, with him saying he doesnt like doing this that and the other which usually leads to me shouting, well do you think i do!!!!!!!
I dont work, I just have 2 dds, but that in itself and the constant of housework is tiring enough.
You will end up ill if you keep having to wear yourself out. I cant even begin to put myself in your shoes.
If talking doesnt work, try action, or lack of, theres nothing like no clean shirts to make a man lift his head and take notice.
Also the box thing, all of his crap, put it in a box, when its overflowing he will get the message.
At one point I totally went on strike and even put used coffee cups in the box, with clothes on top, just to prove a point.
You cant keep this up, and maybe he needs reminding that hes a daddy and a husband and he needs to DDDOOOO something and your not his mother.

harrassedmum · 06/08/2004 00:15

Good grief that all sounds like good advice! Has it worked Jennisaurus?

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