Is it normal to feel lonely in relationships?

[Sugarman86]

....asking for myself.

At least a few times a week I feel excruciatingly lonely in my relationship. Every relationship I've ever had I've felt the same and was wondering if this is a normal feeling to have sometimes? Because right now I'm feeling like there is something wrong with me to always feel lonely in my relationships. Obviously I'm the common denominator here.

Picking wrong uns?

I often do too. I'm autistic. I've always assumed it's down to that.

I don't think it is normal OP. Relationships should make you feel happier than you would do if the other person wasn't in your life, not worse. It may be that you need to communicate more with your partner. Does he/ she know you are struggling and feeling lonely? Is there anything they could do to help you feel better?

Did you have a happy upbringing OP? I’m in a similar boat and wondering if the lack of connection in my adult relationships is due to the lack of connection I felt as a child. Either that or I’ve messed up big time on my choice of husband.

Yes he knows I feel this way and he "apologises for his shortcomings" (his words) but lately I'm starting to think it's me, as I feel this way in every relationship. He is a good man, he isn't perfect (no one is) and he tries his best but he rarely laughs at the things I laugh at. And he is not very "emotional" he likes to talk about very dry, abstract concepts a lot which somehow makes me crave a conversation that is more emotional in nature. I don't know if that makes sense, or whether I'm asking for too much from a man or if I'm being sexist by saying that? I feel like I'm craving a deeper connection with someone.

Funny you mentioned childhood....my upbringing was terrible. There was a lot of physical and emotional abuse, and I didn't get a lot of love.

Your latest post sugarman is almost exactly how I feel too. I also crave a deep emotional connection with my husband. Sometimes I feel as though we are getting there, other days it feels like we are polar opposites. It can be very lonely at times and I panic that the lack of love and connection That I experienced as a child is being repeated in adulthood. In moments of calm I do think that I expect too much from my relationship. Ie for it to fill me up and make up the deficit from a lonely childhood which of course it can never do. I’m probably not helping a great deal here but you are not alone. 💐 I would say do not underestimate the impact of a bad childhood on your adult relationships and consider exploring that more in a therapeutic setting. One more question, Do you feel lonely at all with your friends or do you have an emotional connection with them which satisfies you?

Well, you need a bit more from an intimate relationship than ‘a good man who tries his best’. You need some kind of love and affection for each other. Otherwise you have a friend you get on with, but there is not much more there. You don’t even share a sense of humour.

I also think there’s a huge spectrum between a person who speaks only of dry abstract concepts, and highly emotion-based interactions. I’d say the average man is more emotionally responsive than yours but wouldn’t want to talk about feelings all day.

If you keep having relationships where you feel lonely something is not quite right. You should feel warmth and companionship at the very least, otherwise you may as well be single.

@Chocness i come across as an extrovert but I'm an introvert and so I've not been great at maintaining friendships in my life. And yes, I do tend to feel lonely in large groups of people too. And so on the odd occasion I've met someone who I feel I can have a deeper connection with, I'm like a peasant with a loaf of bread. Right now I've got 1 friend who I speak to regularly and I don't feel lonely at all when I'm with her, she is a wonderful soul. A few years ago I decided to only spend time with people who didn't make me feel this way....but the romantic relationships are still a problem..

I've been with my partner 3 years, and well I wouldn't want to talk about feelings all day. That's not what I meant, but I probably didn't explain it well. My partner doesn't talk about emotional topics at all, it's all dry abstract or practical topics. He may be on the spectrum slightly, which he admits because his friends said they think he is. For example, if we were watching the "walking dead" (zombie program) rather than talk about the compelling storyline (it's a series about people not zombies) he would be constantly talking about how they forgot to put the wall up and that he would build an infrastructure to keep the zombies out, the fence etc. And the ammunition he would need. He is not just mentioning it, he is going on and on about it. When that's not what the programme is about, it's about people and how they relate to one another in a post apocalyptic situation. I don't know if that makes sense at all but that's what I mean when I talk about emotional topics. It's hard to explain, but it's the "soul" I'm missing. I probably sound very woo woo now....

There have also been other problems mainly around communication, and social norms that I've struggled with. But he is very affectionate to me, and I am towards him.

Previous relationship, my DD's father after 6.5 years I found stuff on his laptop that made me feel he is gay. He barely touched me in 6.5 years so it kind of makes sense. He was also very manipulative and abusive and talked extensively about conspiracy theories. So that covers a decade of my life. I'm 30 now.

My mum was horrific to me as a child and only recently I decided to go NC as she had been trying to scam me out of money.

Writing this down I can see why I feel lonely now.

@Chocness and yes I'm currently on the waiting list for therapy regarding the way I feel. You express a lot of the same feelings as me, so I think you are onto something with regards to the childhood.

@Sugarman86

Go google 'Attachment Styles'.

💐

I’m was a bit the same as you sugarman on the friendship front but over the years of therapy that I have had I have come to acknowledge that we get different things from different relationships. some of them have a deep emotional connection whereas others are just plain fun and that both and everything in between is fine. It sounds to me as though you really need this thereapy soon so that you can start fulfilling some of your own emotional needs rather than being a ‘peasant with a loaf of bread’ as you describe it which I think is an excellent description by the way. I do agree with a previous poster who said the relationship should have warmth and compassion, likewise love and affection otherwise what’s the point? It can sometimes be difficult to recognise and trust these things though when you’ve been treated so badly in childhood. Likewise a difficult childhood can set individuals up for unrealistic expectations on relationships because we don’t know our own selves or trust our own judgments. Just take it one day at a time with this chap and concentrate on understanding yourself as I think that’s where the focus needs to be at the moment as you didn’t get that solid foundation from your childhood.

I'm a lesbian who previously had relationshipswith men. Women generally communicate emotionally better than men and I haven't felt lonely in same sex relationships.

I was also going to say look at attachment styles.

You nay choose emotionally unavailable men and then crave the emotion you are missing.
I also think it takes a while to know someone and often we see the character traits, reliability, interests etc and assume they are capable of the same level of intimacy that we require.
Its only after 2 years ime that we get to see how capable a partner is of intimacy and vulnerability.
By that stage we may feel we have invested several years, and they seem great in other ways so we continue.
My advice would be to not settle.You are young and at a perfect age to meet someone who is more likely your match.

I would put ability to be emotionally open higher on your requirements in future relationships..its not important to some people but it it is to you.There are men out there who can do emotions so dont settle.