Suicidal thoughts

[Aaliah1234]

Hi all,
I have a 6 month old little boy and love him to bits. However, for the past couple of weeks I have just started to feel really down. I live with my in laws (typical Asian family) and currently on maternity leave. Having a baby has been tough and I am at home 24/7. I love looking after my baby but the fact that I'm home, I'm expected to look after the entire house. It's pretty crowded and me and hubby and baby have just one room. I'm expected to cook and clean all the time and I can't go anywhere on most days because of this. I have my sister in laws living with me and we have turns to cook but the fact that there are like 14 people in a 4 bed room house makes the housework too much to bear. There is constant mess and noise and the daughter in laws are expected to clean it all. The other day MIL had a fit coz the house was not clean and we were too busy looking after our children. Honestly I'm sick of it. I can even get my own space as hubby is studying and I'm on mat leave. If I decide to go to work next year, I still won't be able to move out as I won't be able to afford childcare or rent. I feel like we r living in old times. I know that my depression is caused by my environment and honestly there's nothing I can do. I feel really suicidal and it's not for attention. I have no tolerance towards anything. I love my baby to bits but even when he cries I get annoyed. I know I should consult a doctor but I know I won't feel better until I leave this house

[YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet]

Hello OP

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It sounds so hard.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. We also have some more information about postnatal depression, here.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

[IHateYourCarpet]

Currently feeding the baby - but PLEASE don’t think this has been ignored. I’ll type as much as I can, but may need to pop back.

Without wanting to sound trite, I’d be depressed if I lived with my in laws! Let alone with the demands placed on you. Whilst I appreciate it’s normal in their culture, it clearly isn’t working for you. You’re under an insane amount of pressure trying to please everyone, which as you’re already finding is impossible I think you’re right. You need to get out of there, even if you just get out of the house for a few hours. Will they not even entertain the idea of you going out to a baby group? I really think getting out and away from them would make a world of difference to how you feel.

You say you have SIL’s with you too, how do they feel about the situation? Are they supportive of you, or do they go along with what PIL want? Does your husband know how you feel?

I know it’s so early, and you might not want to, but would SIL/PIL consider looking after your baby if you were to go out to work? Even if it were just

And finally, VENT on here. It’s so important not to bottle feelings like this up. I think you need to make that doctors appointment, you can’t go on feeling like this and you shouldn’t have to. Going to a doctor, and letting them know about it, may even make them take the impact their having on your mental health more seriously.

[bluebell1982]

Hello, I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling I really am.

I am not asian and don't live in the same set-up with the same pressures and expectations you are facing, so I haven't experienced it first hand. However, I have had asians friends in the same situation expressing to me the same feelings you have. I really do feel for you. I think there are many positives to living and relying on extended family, but clearly also many downsides too. Particularly in your case where it feels everyone is reliant on you yet who do you feel you have to rely on?

I understand how it feels to feel suicidal, anxious and depressed because I experience too. Firstly, please you HAVE to put yourself first. If you are well your baby will be well, and that will make dealing with your home situation easier then too. So you come first. Have you thought about contacting the charity Mind? Find out what resources, support and therapies are available in your area. Also visit your GP as a matter of urgency, you have to be honest with them about your suicidal thoughts - do not be embarrassed. They have heard it before and will not judge you. It is a symptom of depression. I think counselling and/or CBT would be beneficial. I know you say you will not feel better until you leave this house, but in the meantime you can help yourself manage your current situation and that will go some way to making you feel better.

Also, do you get out of the house much with the baby? Ensure every day you both get out for a walk together, schedule a time and stick to it. Do you have any friends you can meet up with on this walk? If not doesn't matter still go. A 30 min walk isn't going to make a blind bit of difference regarding cleaning the house. You DO NOT have to be stuck in the house - you are not a slave. The extended family do not need to understand, they just need to accept. If your MIL throws a fit let her, she'll get over it. It's a 30 min walk out of a 24 hour day. Unfortunately, as with most women and house work, no matter what culture we are from, we can easily be taken for granted and the more you do the more people can expect. Take control back as much as you can - I understand this may be a difficult balancing act so as you don't cause yourself extra stress by creating a family drama. However, keep the longterm in mind and your priorities in mind.

Can you speak to your husband about this? Or is he bound to take his mum's side? Maybe he can have a gentle word with his family, take the pressure off of you by saying he has decided that you and the baby need more time and less stress for a while.

I really hope you can find small little things to introduce into your day that will help you manage your situation better and make you feel better bit by bit. I I hope your husband will understand. Please do as a priority go to your doctor and give yourself 30mins a day just for yourself out of the house.

How are you feeling today?

[Aaliah1234]

Thank you all for your support. I have spoken to my husband about it and he has promised that we will be out of this mess in 2 years no matter what. But what he doesn't understand is that I'm honestly very depressed. I've spoken to him and he takes it lightly. My sister in laws understand the situation and they are sick of it. Honestly I can't even have 30 mins to myself to walk or be with friends coz I wake up at 8.30 feed baby, then the table has to be prepared for breakfast for mil to arrive. Because we r an extended family there are a trillion dishes to wash and clean the house. By the time we finish it's like 12.30 pm. Then I feed baby and then go to cook and then again prepare table for lunch. The whole thing ends at 6-6.30 pm and by then it's time to get baby ready for bed. Poor thing sleeps by 9 but is constantly woken up by noise until about 12am until everyone falls asleep. My MIL says it's our duty to cook and clean and even when I'm ill or if baby's crying she doesn't give 2 cents. I can't eat what I want coz we ask MIL what she wants to eat and we cook accordingly. We can't go out coz someone needs to be there to look after her. She's not old. She spends her days either snuggling next to her daughters, browsing the net or shopping. Whereas I am the cooking cleaning rubbing errands.

I've contemplated suicide and divorce. I know that the latter wouldn't make me happy either as I love my husband and I don't want my son to live without His dad.

I am on mat leave atm (I am a teacher) and in laws are not willing to look after baby if I decide to go to work next year. I can't even afford childcare.

I want to see the Gp but scared that telling them that I'm suicidal might result in my baby being taken away from me

[Aaliah1234]

The whole thing is that I just want to be happy. I am just an unhappy person and the one place where I can be myself is my dads house. I go there every two weeks or so and spend a weekend. They know what I go through so they pamper me and baby to the max. But I always end up making my poor mum upset coz I just get really down sometimes and I end up lashing out at her even though she doesn't deserve it. As I said I'm just a really unhappy person

[IHateYourCarpet]

Oh lovely the GP will NOT take your baby away from you. Please don't think that. They'll want to help you, so you can do what's best for you and your baby. And as far as your mum goes, trust me, she understands. You really need to be a bit kinder to yourself, it's an awful situation you're in.

Hypothetically, what repercussions are there if you don't do something? Say, what if tomorrow, you decide actually you and the baby are going to have a lovely long cuddle in bed rather than getting up to run around after an adult woman who's capable of feeding herself?

[Aaliah1234]

Thank you. If I do decide to do that she will have a fit like the other day. Mr and sis in law went to put our babies to bed after breakfast and the room hadn't been cleaned, dishes weren't washed. She came and literally started shouting at everyone including us saying we treat our children like gods, that we should give them a paci to shut them up and do our chores before doing anything for them. She then "fainted" like she always does when she gets mad and basically threw a tantrum. Honestly I've never seen anything like it. It's really affecting me.

[IHateYourCarpet]

So basically, she acts like a complete child, doesn't she? I know this phrase is thrown around a lot on here, but you don't just have a MIL problem. You have a DH problem. It's all well and good him saying that it'll be different in two years, but it shows no regard for your mental health NOW.

I completely get it's a cultural thing, but I really don't get why you (whom I presume is paying rent, or some sort of contribution) should clean HER mess as well as your own.

Would she be open to the idea of a cleaner if you were to hire one for a few hours a week? It's just a thought, but if you don't want to go against her it might lighten your load. You could maybe even go into together with your SIL to pay for it.

The only other option you really have is to just go against her. Do you or your DH really care about her shouting and behaving like a toddler? Because she needs to learn at some point she can't treat her DIL and GC like shit. Unless of course you think she's be likely to throw you out

I know that some universities have subsidised housing for students with dependants, would that be something you could look into? Or is there any possibility you could move in with your parents temporarily? Even if it means living apart from DH while he completes his degree.

[IHateYourCarpet]

I'd also treat yourself and DH to a copy of Toxic in Laws if you haven't already.

[IHateYourCarpet]

Sorry - I know I'm going on OP. But I was thinking you might get more traffic and better advice over in relationships. May be worth posting over there too?

[Aaliah1234]

Thank you all for your advice. Honestly at this time it's nice to have someone on your side.

We make contributions but it's not as much as we used as DH is only Working a few hours a week. Whatever he earns goes towards he contribution. I get mat pay and that just ensures I can fulfil our needs. I've thought of a cleaner but we really couldn't find anyone. Plus both of us are not in a position to pay anything as most weeks I'm in overdraft.

DH understands the situation and knows his mum is in the wrong. His mum doesn't live here all the time, but visits often. She lives abroad but when she does come she acts like this. She only decided to move to another country this year but even that is not 100% as she will come when she wants and stay as long as she wants.

My pArents have loads of extra bedrooms but MIL will make a big fuss if we decide on this.

I know that DH will never go against her. If I go against her then he will probably not support me. I know that he will always have her back as this is what he did in the past

[Aaliah1234]

How can I move this thread to the relationships section?

[IHateYourCarpet]

If you report your own thread, you can ask MNHQ to move the thread for you

[IHateYourCarpet]

And OP, regardless of what your MIL thinks, you need to prioritise YOU and your son. If living with your parents would better support your mental health, you need to do it.

Not only that, but do you really think your impressionable young son (who will be a toddler by the time you leave her house!) to think it's okay to treat people that way? Or to be afraid of his own grandmother shouting at him? Or worse, afraid of asking you to play with him, or say he needs the toilet, because he doesn't want to rock the boat. It's no way to grow up. I know that sounds extreme but he deserves to grow up in a happy, welcoming and stable environment. And you can't give him that living with her,

[Aaliah1234]

I know what you are saying but this woman is something else. Once she said to me that I should watch and see what she does if I try to take her son away from her.
I really don't want my son to grow up there. Because of what goes on and also because poor baby doesn't have anywhere to play.
I've tried speaking to my husband many many times but there's no point coz he keeps saying wait 2 years then gets upset if I push it.

[Spatiallyunaware]

When you say your parents have loads of bedrooms do you mean you could live with them?
You say your mil would cause a big fuss but she is constantly causing a big fuss anyway.
Could you go to your parents to "visit" then come down with some "illness" and stay until you're "feeling better" but not ever move back.

[Spatiallyunaware]

Also you need to out your own mental health first. And your baby. They're your two priorities.
Your husband for whatever reason is not putting you and your baby first. He's putting himself and his mother first. So you let him look after his priorities and you look after yours.
It's easy for me to say, but leave, go to your parents and you'll feel so much better. Once you're out of that awful house you'll wonder how you ever stuck it for so long.

[ReggaetonLente]

I second moving in with your parents. Your MIL sounds awful but in me experience a lot of women like this are all talk - it's all threats and orders until someone actually stands up to them, takes back a little bit of power, then it all crumbles around them.

I would honestly just go to visit and not return.

If you're worried about any recriminations from your in laws OP, you could chat things through with Karma Nirvana, who have helped women I know who felt controlled by their families. They can even liaise with the police to keep you safe, if things get that bad.

You deserve to feel safe and happy and enjoy your baby. Family is important of course but YOUR little family comes first.

[ReggaetonLente]

Sorry - the number for Karma Nirvana is 0800 5999 247. Best of luck OP.

[Aaliah1234]

Thank you all. My parents have 4 extra bedrooms so I could live with them. If I decide to go and never return then that could potentially be the end of it.

She's very manipulative and would make it look like it's my fault and I am this and that.

It's a very hard decision to make. I am currently at mums house and dreading going back

[EmmanuelleMumsnet]

We're going to move this thread to Relationships at the OP's request.

[colouringinagain]

I think for the sake of your mental health and your family's well-being you should go to your parents. You and your child are in a seriously unhealthy environment and 2 years is far far to long to wait.

Put you and your child first.

[Spatiallyunaware]

So what if she makes it look like your fault (I imagine by "it" you mean the move?)
Or if she says horrible things about you. She already says horrible things TO you, at least when you don't live there you won't have to hear it


It's a very hard decision to make. I am currently at mums house and dreading going back

Why do you want to go back? What are the positives for you?

[NerNerNerNerBATMAN]

Honestly OP I think you should stay with your parents, even if it's just for a short while. Hopefully that would give you chance to regain your mental strength and try and work out a longer term solution with your husband.

You can't be expected to remain depressed/suicidal for two years just so his mum gets what she wants. She's treating you appallingly and he's not much better if he doesn't support what is right for his wife and son.

[himynameiss]

MIL sounds controlling, get out of there sister!!