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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

Suicidal thoughts

57 replies

Aaliah1234 · 13/01/2018 16:35

Hi all,
I have a 6 month old little boy and love him to bits. However, for the past couple of weeks I have just started to feel really down. I live with my in laws (typical Asian family) and currently on maternity leave. Having a baby has been tough and I am at home 24/7. I love looking after my baby but the fact that I'm home, I'm expected to look after the entire house. It's pretty crowded and me and hubby and baby have just one room. I'm expected to cook and clean all the time and I can't go anywhere on most days because of this. I have my sister in laws living with me and we have turns to cook but the fact that there are like 14 people in a 4 bed room house makes the housework too much to bear. There is constant mess and noise and the daughter in laws are expected to clean it all. The other day MIL had a fit coz the house was not clean and we were too busy looking after our children. Honestly I'm sick of it. I can even get my own space as hubby is studying and I'm on mat leave. If I decide to go to work next year, I still won't be able to move out as I won't be able to afford childcare or rent. I feel like we r living in old times. I know that my depression is caused by my environment and honestly there's nothing I can do. I feel really suicidal and it's not for attention. I have no tolerance towards anything. I love my baby to bits but even when he cries I get annoyed. I know I should consult a doctor but I know I won't feel better until I leave this house

OP posts:

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username7979 · 29/01/2018 18:14

Tell your husband to grow some balls. He should put you and your DS first and stand up to his mother, the wimpy mummy's boy! The best for you would be to move away from them. Far enough to be out of their control. Close enough so you still look like you are not completely shunning them.

RaindropsAndSparkles · 27/01/2018 19:24

It might be yours or her culture but you live in England and it isn't the prevailing culture in the country of choice. Yoh need to put you and your ds first. Your dH isn't doing it. Past performance is the biggest indicator of future performance. They're having a laugh, taking advantage and your dh is being abusive by association. It's 21st Century England. You are equal to everyone else..

Aaliah1234 · 27/01/2018 19:10

Also I know that if I get on her bad side and start arguing, my marriage would end in divorce. I know that 100%

My parents know exactly what she is like but there's no point in them talking to her because she will turn around and tell them that it's her house and they should mind their own business. I don't want my parents to be disrespected by anyone. I go there every now and then for some tlc and support.

OP posts:

Aaliah1234 · 27/01/2018 19:07

The reason why she wants us close is obviously for control. I have been through a lot with her. It first started off with her having an issue with me over work. She detested the idea of me going out to work and took me about 2-3 years to convince her to let me work. She had many fainting episodes over this. Then when I wanted to move, she got angry and gave me lots of warnings like watch what I do to do you if you take my son away. But anyhow, it's taken me many years to come to this but to be honest I know that she will always want to have this control over my life. I know that i will never have the independence that most people take for granted.

OP posts:

Aaliah1234 · 27/01/2018 19:03

My husband is studying atm that's why he is unable to have a full time job to support us.

OP posts:

DaphneduM · 27/01/2018 14:13

Struggling to understand why your husband isn't earning enough to support you in an independent household, irrespective of the other issues with your in-laws, for which I totally sympathize with you. I think you should be thinking about yourself and your baby, however, and, as an interim measure go and stay with your parents. Despite all these issues, just remember, you have choices, irrespective of mother-in-law's attitude, and you deserve to have the autonomy of your own household eventually. Your maternity leave will be over at some point, and going back to your teaching profession will further help your situation as you will have your own money.

IHateYourCarpet · 27/01/2018 12:35

Please forgive me if I'm being really culturally ignorant at any point, but I really don't see WHY you have to live close to them. Unless they're paying your deposit or something, they shouldn't get a say. This really is all about them wanting to control their son and you.

I really do think you should confine in your parents about how you're feeling. I know DH is being supportive, but you can never have too many people to lean on. I'm sure they'd be devastated if they knew how happy you were and they hadn't been able to support you.

Is there any possibility your parents could talk to your MIL? Or could you stay at your parents under the guise of your mum needing extra help or something? Would that seem more 'acceptable' to MIL? Even if it just gets you out for a few days.

Aaliah1234 · 27/01/2018 08:33

Thank you so much. The issue with my in laws is that they don't want us to live far. They have agreed to this and I know that the moment I say I want to live so where further away they won't agree to it. There was a property next door to ours and they were really keen on it. Their reasoning is that we will be close to each other and we can be there for each other .the landlord didn't accept our offer anyway and I think it's because we are not earning enough. They are not even willing to consider properties that are 10 mins away. I was even happy for this one as at least I can wake up when I want and wouldn't need to do things in a hurry.

My parents know I'm down but don't know that I'm depressed. They would be more than happy to support us but I know that in laws would create an issue specially as my parents live an hour away and also because in this culture if I go away to live with them then it means that I'm having issues with in laws or I've left them.

OP posts:

IHateYourCarpet · 27/01/2018 05:10

I'm so glad you got through to your DH OP, you've been on my mind a lot the last few days!

Don't even consider living within walking distance of them, they want you as close to them as possible so they can exert control over you,

I know the last thing you want to do is play your in laws/parents off against each other, but have you spoken to your mum and Dad about your mental health? How far away do they live? Would they have you there rent free for a bit?

Finally, have you looked at what benefits you might be entitled to if you move out of there? I really have no clue about this, but you could post over in money matters to see if they have a better idea. It might be more manageable than you think.

Please keep posting OP, I'm sure between us all on here we can come up with a solution.

Aaliah1234 · 26/01/2018 23:22

By close to the in laws, they want the house to be either on the same street or a teeny but further. 😳

OP posts:

Aaliah1234 · 26/01/2018 23:21

Thank you to everyone who posted on here for me. I spoke to my husband and he has finally decided to move me out. However, we don't earn enough so don't know if we could afford it and if anyone would give us their property to rent. Really would like to move out as I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel now. However, the main issue is that it has to be close to the in laws and the money for the rent. I know we could get housing benefit but to be honest I really don't want to go down that route. But my current life conditions are appalling atm so I am really desperate to make some changes :(

OP posts:

colouringinagain · 23/01/2018 21:47

Hop you're OK Op. If this feels all too much, just slow it all down.

But keep talking. Lots of us care about you.

GreatThingsWork · 23/01/2018 21:42

Could you go to the doctor and when you explain your living situation and the space at your DP's house I'm sure he/she would suggest you move in there.

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 23/01/2018 21:29

Go to your parents whenever MIL is visiting to ‘ make sure she is comfortable in the house’ and because baby ‘upsets her and cause her to faint’. What a good DIL you are...very considerate of you.

Tell husband his mother is a wicked old witch and you absolutely will NOT stay in a house with her again. If he loves her so very much, he can see to all her housework needs because you are on MATERNITY leave because your child needs you time. End of.

Accountant222 · 23/01/2018 20:58

Oh dear it's terrible, your mother in law is horrendous and you and the other daughters in law are slaves. Go to live with your parents and give yourself a bit of peace

SparklyMagpie · 23/01/2018 20:50

OP PLEASE stay at your parents ! You and your child come first especially your mental health

Quartz2208 · 23/01/2018 20:42

If your parents support you and moving in you should go

ferando81 · 23/01/2018 20:39

If your parents will support you move back there but you will definitely need there full support

MatildaTheCat · 23/01/2018 20:14

Does your dh actually know what your day entails in detail? If not, try to be completely specific and write down a day in bullet points. Quote any awful comments.

Then show him and ask if this is ok by him. You need to get out straight away. Tell him you are seriously ill with the stress of this and he simply has to take it on board and act. You have an escape route. Only your dh is standing in your way and one would have to wonder why he would do that to you.

He also needs to understand that your dc will be losing out on your attention and happiness because of this. After a proper discussion he needs to either support you and come with you or let you go.

Are your parents supportive and will you have help when you return to work? Remind dh it’s only for two years if he says it’s not possible.

Good luck.

tiredybear · 23/01/2018 19:35

oh OP. that sounds awful. please, move in with your parents. it is SO important to look after yourself and 2 years of this is too much. Please take PP advice and get in touch with support agencies who can help you get out of this toxic situation.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/01/2018 11:42

My parents have loads of extra bedrooms but MIL will make a big fuss if we decide on this
Decide on just this - for your own mental health.
You absolutely cannot and should not remain in the house with your in-laws.
2 years with a baby - NO WAY!
Get to your parents and stay there.
Sod every body else.
This is YOU and YOUR baby.
Please see your GP.
Tell them everything you've told us.
Get some help and support.
Womens Aid can also help you get out and stay out.
Your in-law living situation is abusive and they can and will help you.
Please look into it.
But right now - get out and stay out.

username7979 · 23/01/2018 11:25

I hope you are ok today Aaliah1234.
It is your life. if your husband loves and respects you he will be supportive of the move. Now your responsibility is to yourself for your baby

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 23/01/2018 08:55

Oh goodness me, that's not a good sign if he's laughing at you.

Where are you now OP? Still at your parents? I agree with other posters that his mother will kick off regardless, so you may as well choose the course of action that is better for you and your son.

Maybe if you stay at your parents for a bit he'll take you more seriously

IHateYourCarpet · 23/01/2018 08:52

OP, would he consider an session or several with Relate? It might help him see where you're coming from with a third party there who is impartial.

My situation was really different from yours, but DH and I went and it really helped him understand where I was coming from in relation to my in laws behaviour towards me. I think it could really help you too.

Aaliah1234 · 23/01/2018 08:25

Thank you all. I've spoken to my husband about my mental health several times and how he responds to it depends on his mood. Sometimes he is really understanding whereas other times he says 'you're complaining again' and at other times he says you should see a doctor. I told him that my depression is caused by the environment and I know I will feel better when I'm out of here. To that he says just speak to the doctor but don't go into too many details. He keeps saying wait two years. Last night I mentioned that I would like to stay with mum and he just started laughing

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