Need advice. I'm heart broken

[shellzxx]

Hey guys, my little heart is breaking as I write this. Don't know which way to turn and I can't look my long term partner in his eyes.
I've been with him for 19years, things haven't been easy, but we have worked on things successfully or so I thought.
It started summer 2017, he started distancing himself after I lost my job. Since summer last year, he haasnt been affectionate and I have been trying. To cit a very long story short. He was spending alot of time downstairs after I went to bed at night, on his phone and so forth. A few nights ago he fell asleep on the sofa so I woke him up and took him to bed besides me. I woke up an hour later to find him downstairs listening to music with his phone in his hand at 3am ish. I did ask why you not in bed, said he couldn't sleep so came downstairs.
I had a gut instinct something was going on, and guess I was right.
I went into his emails in the morning to find out he has joined a gay dating website and has been very graphically messaging men in our area and arranging meet ups with them.
I really don't know how to approach this because he always turns arguments to me and it's all my wrong doing.
I have been thought about creating a fake profile and catching him out.
Please any advice will be truely grateful.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Copy the emails, or forward them to yourself so he can't deny it and then talk to him.

The nature of the talk depends on what you want. If it is just curiosity, or just talk, could you forgive him or is this the end regardless? Decide what you want and then approach him.

The thing is. The minute I raise this he will flip start shouting and intimidating me. He done this before but with a girl alot younger than him. He slipped up and once again I found out through his emails. I forgave him and we both got on with things. Now he has done it again I don't know her to do or say. I feel as if I want to explode.

Well if the emails are incriminating enough, and it's the second time he's been caught out, do you even need to discuss it?

If you want out, start getting your ducks in a row and make it happen. You don't need to discuss anything, just tell him what's going to happen when you're ready. If you think he'll intimidate you, have someone with you when that happens.

Do you have dc?

Just from your message I think its probably time for you both to move on. He is having casual sex with others (its irrelevant whether they are male or female I think) and will intimidate you if you try and broach the subject.

Print out the emails if you can, leave him a letter and go out one day (in the daytime) so he reads the letter and knows you have proof. Then call him a few hours later, so that he has to talk, but not face to face and being overpowering.

You will be happier in the long run if you move on with your life.

Hi. Thankyou all for for advice. Well I braved myself and confronted him. He admitted everything after I showed him screenshots of all messages and emails. It's actually alot worse than I thought because it includes explicit pictures of himself as well. He doesn't know if he is bisexual, straight or gay. But has said he done this because we were distant......What a load of bollocks, didn't accept that one bit. I have asked him to be honest with himself and with me and as far as my 20 year relationship with him....it's finished. Gave him to Monday to find somewhere else to stay...calm option of course.....if I went with the mad option he would be homeless tonight.
And yup I have 3 teenage boys to this man.
Great start to a new year isn't it.

@shellzxx I am so sorry this is happening to you. He has been very dishonest with you.

BigusBumus "He is having casual sex with others (its irrelevant whether they are male or female I think" I know that this is a popular view, that it doesn't matter who the person is. But to some people it really does matter. So OP if it matter to you that your husband has been trying to hook up with men, then that's fine.

He's cheating but he is also lying about himself, presumably the OP did not know he may be gay or bi, and he himself didn't know either. So the OP has every right to be upset about this aspect of it.

Is he has actually had sex with these men, or is this just flirting/messaging etc? Either way in your shoes I would not believe it is just messaging, I would get checked out for sexually transmitted diseases whoever he has cheated with.

His attitude to you sounds just horrible and cruel, "he always turns arguments to me and it's all my wrong doing." and "But has said he done this because we were distant" He is trying to blame you because he is sending explicit photos to other people!

Please get a good solicitor and make sure you your ducks in a row as said above.

Yes, it is a new year and this is an utterly shit start to it, but at least you know. You can move on. Please do get some counselling for yourself to help you move on, in time. I am sure this kind of thing is very upsetting and I think you will need support.

I'm glad you spoke to him, and that he was honest, and that he has agreed to leave.

It is the start of a long journey for you unfortunately, but lots on mn have been through it and you will always get support here if you need it.

Look after yourself, and your boys, and start telling the people close to you for rl support too.