I don't "belong" anywhere...

[ChangChang]

Left EA XP last April, things have been difficult for lots of reasons as these things usually are. Been trying my damndest to get along with XP (who is hugely aggressive and critical when things aren't going his way, nice as pie when he thinks he is), for the sake of the children. Two of our DC have been staying with my parents (eldest went back to his dad's in the summer), and I've been trying my best to help out, contribute, etc. In a really shit place today as I've overheard my DM complaining about me / DC to both my DBS and DSis when they each called round today. I feel like I have no place to be myself with my children, like I'm constantly trying to please everybody else, and that I don't belong anywhere. Don't know what to do or where to go - obviously outstayed my welcome with my parents but don't want to be forced back to XP :(

Don't go back to yr xp.
I found it helpful to tune in to what would please me by running a few l8fe or death questions past myself

Different for everybody but i had some epiphanies when i thought 'imagine if i found out i had a year to live'. Then i thought "im gonna leave him ANYWAY".

Also it sounds heartless but at one point i was imagining my mother had died to try and dig out my real reaction/decision/intention. I just pleased everybody all the time and felt so uncomfortable when i didnt please them that it was really hard to tell what i wanted.

Dont expect your identity and your boundaries to be set the moment u leave. It is a process and it can be fun.

I expect your dm was just having a moan, try not to let it weigh with you, you're trying your best and it's not for ever. On no account go back to your ex, and stop bending over backwards to appease him. Good strong boundaries.

Don't go back.

What are things like with your mum apart from this comment? unexpectedly having an adult child and grandchildren back is hard on everyone. Even in a good relationship there are niggles - was she just letting off steam?

If more serious... what advice have you taken on housing so far? Your mother may need to make you homeless to speed up temporary housing to lead to permanent. It's very different by area - what have you considered so far?

Thanks all for your replies. Haven't attempted to raise the issue with DM this evening as I still feel really upset, but I can see that having us here has caused huge upheaval in my parents' lives. I think I'm just upset because I thought DM and I had a good relationship, and I've asked pretty frequently if they're okay with us being there, tried not to be a burden or take the house over, have tried to help out, show respect for their house and things, etc. So not quite sure what I've done wrong. Think I feel quite delicate anyway because of DS1's choice to move back and it's made me doubt everything about why I left, whether I've been wrong / oversensitive about XP. In practical terms, I do need to get my butt into gear and sort out benefits, etc. and work out how on earth I can get us into a place of our own...