This is probably going to be long but I want to start at the beginning because I don't know if I missed warning signs early on.
Me and my husband met when we were teenagers, both quite outgoing and sociable. We clicked straight away. We had our first child when I was 18 and he 19. Unplanned but very much wanted, we were quite settled, had a flat and both working. I think DS1 was about 6 months when I realised things could get difficult, DH got quite snappy and didn't seem able to cope when DS was crying/whingy. The biggest split between us was that he wanted to use controlled crying and I didn't. This meant I was reluctant to leave the baby with him.
Things got really strained between us and we separated for a while. We seemed to work through our differences and I think he realised that more than anything, he wanted to be with us.
From there, everything was great, he was more involved and seemed so much happier. We planned our second child and it was plain sailing. We got married and had another. A house move and 2 more wonderful children followed. The youngest being born in 2013.
I'm not really sure when things changed, maybe 2015. Just arguments and tension that wasn't there before. The summer of 2016 saw us have a huge argument and he went to stay with his parents. They live four hours away so he didn't see us at all while staying there. His parents are both alcoholics and everytime I spoke to him, I could tell he'd had a drink. He's always enjoyed a drink but no more than most other men we know and I never thought he had a problem.
He came back, full of apologies but things just weren't right. He has absolutely no family support here so I kind of felt like there was nothing I could do. If we separated, he would most likely move with his parents, lose his job and probably be too drunk most of the time to care about maintaining a relationship with his children.
From there, things just got worse, I felt like he fabricated arguments so he could storm out to the pub. He was coming home legless, falling through the door, not getting up for work. Things came to a head in May 2017. He was picking the children up from school, we had 1 in secondary and 3 in primary so the school run is a bit of a mission. When he came home, me, our eldest and DH were in the kitchen and I asked if DH had been drinking. I thought I smelt beer. He said no, he'd had an energy drink. I left it there.
The following day, DS2 was in trouble for lying, no big deal but I won't let the children think they can lie about anything. He shouted that dad lies all the time and gets away with it. He told me that the day before, DH had drunk 4 cans of beer while picking the kids up.
I packed his bags there and then, no real explanation, just told him that his bags were on the doorstep and not to try to come in because it would frighten the kids. We spoke later, he apologised and said it's not the first time he had done it. He was renting a room because that was all he could afford for the time being, I told him that I would not allow him to drive the kids anywhere. I would drop them to a park or sports club and I would pick them up when they were ready to come home. This worked out great for him, he could carry on drinking without any backlash from me and I was doing all the running around.
In the June, DS2 had a cricket match but it clashed with something that I had planned so I said he wouldn't be able to play. DH begged me to let him take him, he promised he wouldn't drink. It was a morning game anyway. I reluctantly agreed. Later that day I had a call from my friend whose son was also playing, she said that DS2 wanted to go back with her and she would drop him home later.
When she dropped him off, she told me that DH had disappeared for a while at the game and when he came back, he was very obviously drunk. She knew what we were going through and said it was her idea for DS2 to leave with her. I called him, I was so angry, I told him I would not allow him access to the children without a court order. I felt that by leaving the kids with him at all, I was putting them in danger.
He was still drunk and had a night shift at work. I'm still not sure of the ins and outs of what happened but he almost lost his job. This was a major turning point for him. He admitted he was an alcoholic and attended his first AA meeting. He hasn't touched a drink since that day.
Right now we are trying so hard to work through our problems and have even considered trying again. But it seems that now the drink has gone, the moods from the start have returned. He's snappy with the kids, they can't do anything without getting into trouble. He has changed so much and giving up drink has been really hard for him. I do appreciate that but I don't want us to be walking on eggshells forever.
We've spoken about it and he doesn't even realise hes doing it. Where can we go from here? Am I being unreasonable and asking him to change too much? I really don't want it to be the end, we've been through so much together.