Why doesn’t he care?

[LittleNapRefuser]

Married for 5 years, together for 9 and we have an almost one year old together.

Since I went on maternity leave, DH has become progressively more and more lazy with housework/chores. As I am currently at home (going back to work in a month), I am happy to take on a much larger share despite it not always being the easiest to get things done with a little one who gets into everything. My husband has two basic chores that are his responsibility. Every week, he just doesn’t do them. Or anything else really. He will throw our daughters dirty clothes into a pile in the corner of her room, never make the bed, leave rubbish on the floor and if he used my car he leaves his stuff all over it too. He never cleans anything really at all unless I explicitly ask and it’s just so wearing. Everything is always, I’ll do that later or I’ve planned to do it tomorrow...

We have had so many conversations about this. I have spoken calmly, nagged, said nothing, cried and shouted and everytime he has some sort of excuse. Usually that he’s ‘forgetful’ even though I’ve explained that if I was that forgetful he would never have clean clothes, food or come home to a tidy house. In the past I’ve tried giving him a list (which he asked for) but that made me feel like his mother, backed off to see if he did things on his own etc. Nothing ever works. He will make an effort for a couple of days and then it’s right back to how it was before.

It’s now become deeper to me than just him not ever cleaning or tidying. I feel as if he doesn’t value or care about the things that are important to me. He knows it upsets me and makes me feel like the unpaid help and yet he chooses not to change. I am genuinely now at a loss as to what to do.

He is a hard worker at his job and has recently been promoted and he does do thoughtful things but ultimately, at his pleasure and not th things that actually mean something to me.

I should add that I don’t have obsessively high cleaning standards at all but we do have a toddler on the move, who puts everything in her mouth and two dogs, so cleaning/tidying is important.

It sounds so silly in my head sometimes but I honestly feel completely run down by it all. Am I being unreasonable?

YANBU - housework is soul destroying at the best of times and as you also have a little one, it is completely understandable that doing it all single handedly is getting you down. Obviously I don't know the state of your finances, but maybe you have another conversation with him, and say that if he doesn't feel able to contribute fairly to the chores, that you need to have a cleaner for a few hours a week to do the heavy work? I speak as someone who has just got in a foul mood hoovering a carpet with pet hair, bits of coal and dust from the woodburner and residual pine-needles from the Christmas tree.!

You have tried talking and it is not working, so tell him you are interviewing cleaners over the next couple of weeks, for x hours, so that you have something in place once you return to work.

If he tries to convince you otherwise draw up a list of your and his chores as if you were at work give it a month then (tick off what has been done)

If all is done give it another month and repeat. Once he fails to keep up with his end of the chores go ahead and get a cleaner.

This is not the 1950 and YANBU

Get a cleaner if you can afford it. If he is not willing to help out he really can't complain.

I'd be suspicious that he used to do more and now you have a baby he's leaving it to you..... sounds like he's trying to turn you into little wifey at home to me. It'll get worse with more dc. Keep fighting it, don't let it become the norm, which is what he wants.

My ex pulled his weight until I had a baby and then child and home became my responsibility and continued even when I was at full time work. I was a sahm and now working from home and all child and housework is my responsibility too. I don't get these men.

Stop washing his clothes and making his dinner.
Also agree to getting a cleaner, finances permitting.

if I was that forgetful he would never have clean clothes, food or come home to a tidy house

Perhaps it's time to become as forgetful as he is?

He doesn't care because it is easier for him not to and you haven't created any serious consequences. I think you have to calmly and coldly and this is the important bit really meaning it tell him that it means the end of the relationship if he doesn't actually do his equal share of work and mental load. If he doesn't, end the relationship.

You're not alone i know loads of women in this situation. I would try not to take it personally i think this is just a 'man' thing to do tbh. Also too on maternity and my boyfriends exactly the same, not even realising he's making mess half of the time xx

YANBU.
I have been in the exact same position but returned to work 6 months ago. This same issue has caused resentment on my part and on top of other problems in our relationship but it is soul destroying and so disrespectful I feel.

My friends say about their partners "oh well they just don't see things the same way" or "what do you expect he's a man..." well I expect him to pull his fucking weight that's what! Why do we allow men to do less than their fair share and justify it away like it's nothing? Why do I have to continually nag to get something done then I'm the nagging woman always moaning and he gets away with doing little to nothing?

I saw this on MN recently and it really resonated with me, I have kept it on my phone and keep reading.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

Sorry for the rant, this is something I am dealing with at the moment as mentioned. Since returning to work I continue to do majority of housework and now the excuse is well you just sit at a desk all day rather than your at home all day, they really have no clue! We have talked about it and things seem to be different for a little bit but it seems halfhearted and I expect them to go back to 'normal' soon enough. I just have to decide how long I'm willing to put up with it. I want a man not a man child.

No useful advice I'm afraid but all I will say is no it isn't acceptable if you don't want it to be.

Men are just as capable as women of 'seeing' the wifework and just as capable of dealing with it.

The usual reason why (some of them) don't is because they've been socialised to believe that they are more important than women and that their time is more valuable. Therefore, they think it's reasonable to treat their partner like a domestic servant, particularly once she's been tied down with a baby and is likely to think twice about throwing them out.

There are basically 2 responses to this: 1) suck it up or 2) give them a shock that reminds them that you are an autonomous human being with all the same rights and needs and expectations as them. This is likely to mean either a serious ultimatum as pp suggested, or going on strike in a major way.

If you do decide to do something about it op, I'd aim to get it sorted before you go back to work.