Dp lacking emotional intelligence - wrong joke

[SchoolGateBeta]

Dp and me were (I thought) joking around and I asked for an example of something that isn't true about me, thinking something jokey like 'you've pink hair' and he said 'it's all your fault you're not in touch with X family member'

This is right before I went to work, I burst into tears. I grew up being bullied/abused in a family which also told me that everything was my fault. Now X isn't in touch after years of me trying hard because I always felt like my family situation was my fault somehow. Dp said it was such a stupid thing to say that it is obviously untrue and a joke.

Why do some men not have no go areas with so-called joking? Why is it ok to say mean words and then say you mean the opposite? I don't know what to do about dp's emotional intelligence or lackof.

I don’t understand: was he saying the situation WAS your fault, or using it as an example as something that was NOT true.

If the former that was very unkind and a huge deal IMO. If the latter it was a very ill judged “joke”.

Ah OK, have read again and it’s the latter. So very ill judged and insensitive but not too terrible.

You say he has poor “emotional intelligence” with you: is he like that with others too?

It's not such a clear post is it, apologies.

It just felt terrible somehow - to me. I think because I avoid this suject of X dropping contact with me and maybe feel responsible even though I'm not sure what I could've done differently.

Dp watches himself closely with others and is guarded so this sort of stuff just gets said around me. He likes to look good, thoughtful and kind but at home.......... different matter.

I can understand why it touched a nerve with you, but I think he (clumsily) meant it in a way that 'it is so NOT true it is ludicrous' kind of way?

It was probably unwise to mention a topic which you avoid, but it may have just popped into his head as the thing that is most obviously untrue. If he was sorry and clearly felt bad at upsetting you then I'd accept that he didn't do it on purpose and try and forget about it.

I can empathise, I have dated guys in the past who put their feet right in it due to a lack of EI. I think he didn't mean to purposely upset you and so long as his other actions and behaviours don't reflect that he is mean natured then I would give him the benefit of the doubt here.

Or any intelligence

I think how he responded to your upset is more important than the orginial comment.

Its fair for him to not know how sensitive a subject is but once he knows (and sees your distress) how he responded shows if he has empathy and compassion.

If he was defensive, stonewalled or blamed you then that's a red flag.
If he was apologetic and comforting then he likely to learn your sensitive areas and be more mindful in the future.

He likes to look good, thoughtful and kind but at home.......... different matter
My ex was like this, super nice to people outside but to my feelings he was superficial at best but mostly brutual.

I can understand why it touched a nerve with you, but I think he (clumsily) meant it in a way that 'it is so NOT true it is ludicrous' kind of way?

Maybe you do need to get some help with your feelings about this situation, if it is such a raw nerve.

I had an uncle who stopped talking to me after me mother died on the flimsiest of excuses and I know how much it hurts. But it really wasn't my fault.