If you had an acrimonious post divorce relationship with your ExH; how did your DC turn out as teenagers, adults?

[splitbanana1]

NC'd, posting here for traffic

Will try not to drip feed but also do not want to out myself.
Split from Ex, who is now in a relationship with OW (who I knew)
DS is under 10 and is in shared custody - not my choice but endless legal battles and lying & manipulation of system & DS on Ex & OW's part

We are trying to sort out house. Also going through the courts for this. Ex is hiding true financial situation, and wants much more of house than he is entitled too.
I feel like I have to give in financially for a quiet life (for me) but mainly for DS. DS does not discuss his time with Ex; I don't ask and have zero contact with DS or news from Ex whilst he is there.
This is a combination of Intervention by OW and bitterness by Ex (even though he left.)
Background Ex was weak but controlling; passive aggressive and not happy that I have not crumbled since we split, despite his best efforts.

Anyway, back to main point of post. There are some things I can do to expose Ex's true financial situation. Obviously I do not give a monkey's if Ex hates me. However DS is still young, and for up to a decade, I will have to have dealings with Ex over DS, school etc.

Professional advice (therapist / social worker type thing) has suggested that it will be very bad for DS (emotionally / psychologically) If Ex & I have what will effectively be a cold war till DS is 18. Ex also has form for casting me in a bad light and twisting anything I do or say. DS and I are very close. I was a full time sahm till I split from Ex. He is also close to his Dad. I don't badmouth Ex at all, but It is hard to hide my feelings towards him, during the rare times we meet.

So has anyone had this experience of shit relationship with their Ex, and DCs turned out ok, or they got to 18 and refused to speak to either of you again...

Advice / Experiences gratefully received

i* have always said divorce doesn't damage children it's the way that divorce is handled that does the damage if done badly.

YY to this.

I am separated with my H at the moment but very very amicably. It is a different story.

Mrssaphire what a fab story.

My parents did not speak for 10 years and my dad was the bitter one. But on my marriage they both came and enjoyed and that was nice. (Although it didn't last.) still a nice memory.

Bottom line is that YOU can behave as reasonable and sensibly as you like, you cant make him do similar. My ex is a complete tosser, bad mouths me to the kids the whole time. Hes a waste of space. I say nothing about him and wait for them to see. Eldest DS (now 19) sees exactly what his father is. The younger two will eventually. Its sad but there it is. My advice , get what you are entitled to for your kids...

It is really hard to hear your child come out with stuff they have heard from the other parent. From dd(10) - "But why does daddy have to give you money for me? It's not fair as he doesn't get to see me as much as he wants."

The court reduced contact because of ex's behaviour to dd, and he pays (after a long struggle and first CSA then CMS involvement) £30 a month, not enough to cover her school lunches. So I do nearly all the parenting and cover nearly all the financial side, and I'm still somehow the bad guy.

I'm not sure I've got all the right answers. I do try to say to dd that everyone has their own perspective, that her dad sees things one way and I see things another way, and that she doesn't have to pick a side. I think it's a very uncomfortable position for her to be in, and I wish I could make it better for her, but I don't think it's helpful to let all her father's manipulations go unchallenged. Time will tell if I've got it right or not.

My sister and I were children of an extremely acrimonious divorce. Our parents split when we were 4 and 2. (No adultery involved, they just realised they hated each other). They fought out a messy divorce and still loathe each other.

We grew up knowing never ever to mention DM when with DF, and vice versa, as this would start them off talking about how awful the other one was. Because of the ongoing nastiness and other events, we actually spent most of our childhood living with our maternal DGM and DGF, which as it turned out was great for us. We had two stable people who parented us and gave us security, and that meant that even though we still regularly heard DM badmouthing DF and vice versa, we could cope with that because we had the stability and love from our GPs.

Eventually DF moved away and remarried, which meant we hardly ever saw him but also meant DM mostly stopped talking about him, so that was good.

My DSis and I always reckon we have grown up surprisingly well-adjusted considering our parents. But she has never been in a long term relationship and says she has steered clear because of seeing our parents' toxic relationship. I have been happily married for 20 years and I know this really annoys my mother as I have achieved something she hasn't. (My mother has a lot of issues!)

My DSis and I are really close but neither of us are very close to our DM but that''s because she''s not really interested in us. She's never shown much interest in my DDs either but they have my DH''s family who are warm and loving and adopted me as soon as DH first took me to meet them!

Neither me or DSis are close to our DF too. There's no hard feelings but we just do birthday and Christmas cards and never see him. He's been married 3 more times since divorcing from DM.

I gave up the financial battle and pretty much lost everything. I didn't apply for cm either. Partly because I couldn't cope and also because I knew my dcs would pay for it by him badmouthing me. It was a huge mistake and one I bitterly regret. I'm also estranged from one of my oldest dcs.