Setting boundaries with ex.

[Tumbleweed101]

I’ve been split with my ex for nearly 7 years. We’ve managed to stay amicable for the children’s sake. We split because he was seeing someone else and then moved in with her. He lives about 10miles away.

We’ve always had informal contact. He doesn’t pay maintainance regularly (always a reason he has no money) but will do so for a while if I make a fuss then it dwindles away again. He comes up to see the children after school a few times a week and all day on weekends he’s off. For whatever reason he no longer takes them to his house and the children don’t like his new partner or going to the house.

I’ve remained single since the split.

Anyway I’ve noticed that recently he just seems to be over more, staying from when the kids and I get home til about 8pm when they go to bed. I’ve realised that he eats here on those occasions as he will cook ‘to help out’. He’s also seeming to be here more weekends to the point I’m starting to feel I’m not getting much time with the kids or time to myself. When he was taking them to his I was getting a bit of ‘me’ time but now I just seem to have more people around!

I have two older teenagers (my son pays more towards the house then ex does!) and two younger - 8 &12.

It’s been bugging me for a while but I don’t want to upset the kids as they enjoy seeing their dad. The final straw though was the other day when my teen daughter washed a whole load of clothes for him! at my house using my stuff.

I can only guess his relationship isn’t going well and he is looking for ways to spend less time there. Me and him getting back together is a very definite no btw.

Sooo just after ideas how to approach this.
I’m thinking of limiting the number of after school days, and most specifically my day off day so I know I have my house to myself without a visitor.
Limiting to only one weekend day.
Making sure all his personal items are not in my house - ie washing .
Insisting on money towards everything. (However that has been tried millions of times).
Setting a time for him to leave - maybe 7 - so I have a proper evening to chill out.

Anyone else got any ideas - it’s hard to see the obvious when in the middle of a situation.

The benefits to me in this are that I don’t cook when he visits (although he is a messy cook so feel like me kitchen is invaded).
I get to go out with friends more easily (although my teen babysits if I need him to).
I get help with the heavier jobs around the house and garden.

Crikey, what a situation you are in! He's getting the best of all worlds tbh, in ways that are good (seeing the children) and bad (not paying his due, encroaching on your space) how would he react if you had a full and Frank discussion with him? Explain to him how you feel and how you see it working in the future, keeping it light but firm in terms of boundaries. Could you also mention the financial side if it, and suggest it might be easier if you got CMS involved. Start standing up to him before real resentment seeps in and you blow your top...

sounds like he has almost moved back in. that he sees the home as his. it's your space and he is being a CF.
you are right to set boundaries. but if it's difficult to address them bluntly, how about just saying we have plans on this or that day but you can come over on X day. then at 7pm say it's time for him to go home.

1. Takeaway only when he comes over, and he pays. Or he leaves before dinner.
2. None of his laundry done at yours.
3. Make plans and take the dcs out of the house a couple days a week,so you're not going to be home immediately after school- even if it's just a short errand.
4. Tell him this is too much and he needs to stick to a more regular schedule, including taking the dcs out when he is visiting with them.

What about saying that it is positive he is spending pleasant time with the kids, and you would like that to continue. However, you'd prefer just Saturdays [or just Sundays] and for 4 hours [or whatever you feel comfortable with]. Alternatively, if he wants some flexibility on the day, you'd like him to give you a bit of notice (e.g. let me know by Wednesday).

Explain it to him on the basis that the kids' home is also your home, and complete spontaneity is feeling too much an encroachment on your personal time and space. You need time without visitors in the house.

You could also say the same to the kids - so they don't invite him over, or always agree whenever he suggests dropping by. Remind them that it's your house as well as your kids' house, and there are personal reasons why it is uncomfortable for you for him to be around a lot, even though you are friendly. Might also be worth suggesting to them that if/when they want to see him, it's possible to spend time with him out of the house. He doesn't have to take them to his partner's home to spend 3-4 hours with them on a Saturday or Sunday. There are things they could do together, whatever the weather for that length of time.

And g9 through CMS to get proper maintenance. Bloody hell, he’s a cf and totally taking the piss out of you!

Yes, I agree to everything everyone has said. I'm currently building myself up to have this conversation with him so just knowing what I thinking and feeling is reasonable is helpful :). One of those things that you know you are but you are also scared to rock the boat for the kids sake.

He will take them out at weekends... but just not long enough (couple hours) and then he is here too for the rest of the day. When we first split he did take them overnight to his place this has gradually faded out over the last year or so.

Money wise he's been hopeless the whole time ive known him and we got into debt - stupidly I took out cc and loans in my name as he couldn't get credit (never dreaming we'd split up) and i got stuck with the repayments when he left. I've cleared them all now and far better off financially than when we were together even though i have less income into the house! But yes, unless I get annoyed the money isn't forthcoming, when i do get annoyed it arrives for a couple of weeks before fading out again. Has been on and off like that from about a year after our split. My 19yo son helps out more and gives keep to me on same day each month - he's drawing his own conclusions about his dad and finances these days!

He isn't a horrible person (although I agree on the CF) and the kids love spending time with him... BUT he is a visitor to the house and I have no feelings for him that I wouldn't have for any long term friend/acquaintance. And to be fair, i even need space from my best friend even though i love her company.

I think i know what has to be done, just hopeless at confrontation lol.

good luck OP

Wow...he’s using your house whenever he wants and not paying any money!! Can I come over too? Seriously though, it’s not acceptable. Write down what you want the arrangement to be. You need space and a life. You could say you’re starting to date so you want notice before he comes over. You’re not a hotel and you’re not obliged to him. He’s obliged to give you maintenance! He really takes the biscuit. Your kids are now old enough to understand. Sit them down and explain house rules. No washing! Teach your daughter that’s not acceptable or he will take advantage of her! Ask him why he’s stopped having the kids overnight? He really should have somewhere the kids can go. He’s taking the absolute piss!

You sound like a lovely woman and he's completely taking advantage of your kindness.

Please please follow the good advice you've been given upthread especially the bit about CMS.

Good luck

This may not be an issue for you but do you want a relationship with anyone in the future? As if this set up continues it’ll be quite tricky if you did meet someone else and you don’t want the new person being blamed for things changing.
It sounds like your ex is getting the best of both worlds; he isn’t paying anything yet he sees the children when he wants and can go home whenever he wants.
I’d start by talking to your kids about it explaining that he can’t come over so much and come up with a set of days they want to see him and then put it to him that’s what is happening with boundaries like going home at a certain time etc.

You say you don't want to rock the boat - what boat?

He gives you nothing, so annoying him will make no difference at all - in fact you would be better off without him sponging food and washing.

And if he is enough of a twat to take out any annoyance or offendedness on the kids, by no longer seeing them, then a. he isn't a great dad setting much of an example anyway and b. you say your older children are already noticing his sponging ways - for THEIR sakes it would actually be good to show them that taking people for a ride financially is not ok and won't be tolerated.

Bloody hell. No way. He moved out and doesn't pay his share of the kids costs. He can take them to his house on agreed days and your home isn't his home

Thank you everyone. I needed this bit of moral support to prove to myself that I’m not being unreasonable to be feeling irritated.

Yes, I will want another relationship at some point. My younger kids are older and I’m ready to meet someone and start something new if it happens. So yes, it is probably a good idea to put those boundaries in place now.

And no I don’t think he’d stop seeing the kids - I’m just not so sure if he’d make it slightly harder for me if i need another pair of hands but that is my issue too about managing life as a single person. I’m sure I can find alternatives if I have to.