Partner moving in

[bellissimiaow]

Just looking for some advice about cohabiting.

I've asked my partner of 4 years to move in with me and my 2 children (15 & 11). I'm happy it's the right time and am looking forward to it. I just want to ask what I need to think about - e.g. money, chores, mortgage, personal space etc. I want it to work so I want to have everything covered.

We're both in our 40s. I was married and divorced 5yrs ago, he's never been married and lives alone. He spends every weekend at mine now and we've been on holiday twice with the children.

We could have lived together sooner but i wanted to be sure the kids were happy with it so have waited. I've spoken to them both, they get on great with him and are completely fine for him being here full time.

Things that are bothering me are:

I've been living on my own with the kids now for nearly 5 years after 20 years living with my exh and have loved the independence of not having anyone to consult regarding the house and money. Is it going to be strange having to run things by someone else again?

I still live in the same house I shared with exh. Ideally I would have preferred to move into a new place with dp which would then be 'ours' rather than him moving into mine. I stayed initially to keep continuity for the dcs and dd15 in particular is very attached to the house so I've agreed to stay for a few years at least. Exh still regularly calls to collect dcs, and has so far not actually met dp - not sure how to feel about this, haven't told exh that dp is moving in properly yet although he knows it's on the cards. Exh lives in a small appt and seems to think he's got the rough end of the divorce deal (another story) so presumably won't like seeing another man living in 'his' old house. This bothers me as he can be unpredictable and has been mentally unstable in the past so he makes me anxious.

Money-wise - I have a mortgage in my sole name and work full time on a reasonable salary. Dp also works full time and we'd like to borrow some more to extend the house. How will this work? Does he need to be added to the mortgage and house deeds? Does he become entitled to a share of the house and do I need to change my will. (Sorry that part may need answering on the money forum)

Thanks for any advice.

Don't go ahead with the move until you have agreed finances.

There is no need to rush anything such as formalities of your house until you have lived together for a considerable period of time.Step parenting is very tough and it changes when your partner lives there permanently.
Holidays and weekends are not the same as fulltime living together..If your partner is pushing for his name on the deeds then its a big red flag.

Does your partner own his house?

I would suggest your partner pays rent and bills so has no claim.For your security I would be very cautious about changing house deeds or mortgage...should you separate you might have to sell the house to pay him back.I trusted my ex, but he completely changed once our finances were linked..sad but its true that some people are highly manipulative.

You seem to have a good setup..don't do anything that risks your security.

Thanks, no he's not pushing to be on the deeds but I've been told that if we want to borrow extra it would need to be added to the existing mortgage. Is it possible for us to borrow just the extra jointly and keep the main mortgage mine?

Why do you want to extend? Is it to make more room for DP?

I can't quite put my finger on it but there is something that makes me think you shouldn't be doing this...................

If you are dead set on him moving in then I agree with PP he should pay rent and bills but don't put him on the deeds or the mortgage.

Yes the house is small but with a biggish garden so I thought it might be an idea to make more room. But if that involves making big changes to the mortgage & deeds I might rethink. I want to be sure the dcs are fully protected if anything should happen to me and currently my will states that they get everything. Presumably if dp just pays rent and the will stays the same he wouldn't be able to claim a share if we separated?

Similar here, but I have just been told -which makes absolute common sense..what hadn't I worked that out- that my DP can't get a mortgage on 'my' house because he doesn't own it. And of course if he defaults on the mortgage the BS wouldn't be able to repossess a house he doesn't own. He woukd need to be on the deeds.
We have decided against it. My house is my house. I don't ever want to be in a position again where my OH can make decisions -which don't include you-which affect your future.

I honestly think you should carry on the way you are. It's working, isn't it? Teenage time is difficult so I think if it's ok now then why change it and risk it all going wrong?

You both get your own space, him without the kids and you to parent your kids how you want without having to be piggy in the middle. You get all the excitement of being in a couple with none of the bad.

At no time of our marriage my exH and I had so many arguments as when we were refurbishing a house.

Honestly, forget about the extension for a couple of years, before making things more complicated, You don’t even now yet if you are going to like living together.

Do a trial year or two before improving the house, this will also allow him to let him go without remorse/debts if you break up as he has not invested anything in the house.

Does your partner have a house atm?

If not then you are in an attractive position and need to do everything you can to protect your independence.Just charge rent and bills.Be hardnosed about this as you risk your children's security.

You have good advice.

Your arrangement at the moment works perfectly and you haven't moved him in.

What are your domestic arrangements re: cleaning, cooking, laundry etc?

I would never jeopardise my dc's home for a man who is not their father.

Get him to pay you rent and bills and help out domestically and always always keep the upper hand financially and emotionally when you have dc involved as their peace, safety and security and happiness must come first and yours second.

I would definitely leave the extension for some time and changing the mortgage/deeds especially as you say you would ideally like a house together of your own. Maybe aim for that when the children are older?