MIL and daughter

[Rob1981]

Hi. I joined recently to answer a thread about Suffolk, started to read a few forums and then realised that this would be the ideal place for us (my wife and I) to get the perspective of others.

My daughter is nearly 5 yrs old and our only child. From day one, her maternal grandmother has been quite difficult. She has occasional contact, has made lots of confrontational comments (often quite hurtful and insulting of my daughter) and is very critical of some of the ways we choose to parent. Her relationship with my wife is difficult - she a strange mix of rude/offensive and easily offended. We have never let our daughter stay with her because of the way she defends the use of corporal punishment as a way of administering discipline. I also doubt she's able to meet our daughters emotional needs.

Over the last few months, she has developed a strange routine when greeting my daughter - it's a slightly twee handshake and rhyme. I find it incredibly uncomfortable to watch - I believe it is a cynical attempt to give the impression of a closeness that doesn't exist between her and my daughter (she has a track record for this - she invented her own nickname and insists the grandchildren call her by it and often seems to be more bothered about posing for photos with the grandchildren than interacting with them). The greeting really bothers me. It seems to be so manipulative and makes my daughter a bit confused. It's her birthday party soon and I am dreading it in case she makes a big thing out of the greeting. Because of her quickness to take offence, my wife and I feel unable to directly ask her to stop the greeting.

Can anybody offer any advice or share any similar dilemmas? I know the easiest thing would be to ignore it but I don't think I can!
Thanks in advance

Seems an odd thing to be worried about.
So, the Grandmother is making herself look a bit daft by reciting a little rhyme when she greets her Granddaughter?
It sounds like a 'so what?' situation to me. I can't picture why this is worth getting worked up about.

If you want to stop it then you have to tell MIL firmly to stop, if she takes offence so be it - your daughters mental & emotional wellbeing is more important than your MILs feelings.

what stripey said. It's murder walking on eggshells with an offensive/quick to take offense person. It's also a good way for them to control the environment.

You need to present a united front with your wife here; you need to agree on the way forward and to communicate very, very clearly with each other. If you stand up to your MIL, the backlash will probably fall heaviest on your wife's shoulders.

If you can stand up to her (and your daughter is worth the battle!) then MIL will probably throw almighty tantrums like a toddler. But if you persevere and stay calm then they will probably diminish. Very occasionally someone will throw their toys totally out of the pram or the opposite, will say 'oh god, SORRY' and change, but usually people protest and screech and then adapt.

If your MIL is like this, then your wife probably has some mental tender areas (it's hell dealing at close quarters with someone like this, as I say). It might be very well worth reading "toxic Parents" by Susan Forward to give you an insight of what she is up against.

It's not a strange mix - it's an all too common perfectly deliberate mix!

You haven't said what your 5yo thinks of this handshake / rhyme. If she enjoys it, and it's not offensive in itself, let it go. Pick your battles.

TBH, I'm amazed that you're posting about how to see her without the rhyme, instead of how to not see her at all because of the insulting comments!

Stop letting her insult your child.

'Are the words in the rhyme not nice?