What should I do? Try? Separate?

[hereisntanywhere]

I guess this is prompted by the new year and the thread about marrying your DH again.

I'm so unhappy and lonely - we just have no connection anymore. We sit on the same sofa and parent the kids (age 8 and 6). He is not abusive in any way, but he's like a cardboard cut out. No love, no affection, never has my back, never notices me.

On new years day I tried to start a conversation about us improving this, about how neglected I felt. He just replied 'how do you think it feels for me?' I haven't got the strength to argue this one. I don't want to have to plead and make my case. I just want to feel loved and wanted. I resent him because he does not give me this.

We're living abroad for his job, I work, juggle kids and homemaking whilst he does the long hours and trips away. I'm trying to throw myself into my job more to get away from him and the domestic chores and kids. I'm desperately trying to fill the 'love and affection' void with other things.

I'm so stuck and so alone. Do I need to leave him? What about the kids? I don't want to lose my job. It's such a mess and I'm so so low. What should I do?

Some people will flame me for saying this...but if I was you, I'd re-frame the situation. Think about what is good in your life and work on what's positive rather than what is negative. You appear to be apportioning blame for feeling the way you do on your husband. Its all his fault. But in my experience, it takes two to tango and just maybe, just maybe, you have to shoulder some of the blame for the relationship entering this stale phase as much as he does.
January is notorious for couples falling out of love with each other. But it doesn't have to be terminal if you don't want it to be.

nobody can make the decision for you but I would start with initiating a proper make or break conversation with your DH, while DC are elsewhere and you both purposefully sit down and discuss your relationship and where it is going.

Doesn’t really matter who is at fault though does it? How do you think he would feel about splitting up?

He’s got a point, he’s not happy either. Can you imagine how frustrating it would be if he didn’t think there was a problem!

So now you’re at the point where you can both question how different things need to be for your marriage to be happy and satisfyingly? How can you both make changes to work towards that? Do you both really think it’s worth trying and if so are you both willing to put the effort in?

There’s no point in continuing if both of you aren’t willing.

Thanks, these are helpful pointers. I do think that falling out of love is a cycle where one thing feeds of another and one partners behaviour pushes the other to repeal which pushes the other further away etc.

I'll try again to point out that when I suffer bereavement I'd like to be comforted without having to ask (that happened) that I'd like more appreciation for what I do and more help - should I say I want you to look at me, notice me and find me attractive? I just resent his ignorance so much I'm not sure I want to try anymore. I guess i can say it and see what happens...

*repel not repeal

it sounds like the death by a thousand cuts that is often bandied about on MN. you deserve to be happy and loved and appreciated OP. you cannot force him to feel or behave in any particular way. he sounds like he has checked out of the marriage already. So sorry for you. as my STBXH said to me, stop trying to flog a dead horse.

start looking at your options: local housing (for you or him), coming back to UK, what benefits and childcare you may be entitled to claim, etc. Perhaps you can find a local expat forum to give advice on separating in that country. information is power and fear of the unknown can paralyze you into making poor decisions. So you need to weigh up all the options once armed with information. and whatever you do, don't undervalue the importance of you being happy and your needs being met. we too often subjugate these and end up at the bottom of the pile. kids are adaptable and deserve a happy household (or two) to grow up in, and good model relationships to learn from.