Long distance - am i expecting too much/do I need to relax expectations?

[KatDubs261]

Partner and I have been long distance for 4 months & we are a 2hr 40 min plane ride away. Each month we've taken turns visiting the other, with múltiple daily messages & 2 skypes per week in between. It is now boyfriends turn to visit.

At Christmas we spent 1 week together which was lovely, but now there are no plans to see each other next. Partially, this is because he's been applying for new jobs & waiting to see when he might need to go in for follow Up interviews. He says he doesnt know when he will see me next but Will have a better idea after he gets a response from the latest job application.

Its been a week since I Saw him & i'm starting to feel fed up. We have another Skype this weekend but I am feeling reluctant to bother for the first time...its hard for me when future plans are non existent.

Do I need to chill or am I right to want a plan from him sooner rather than later?

How long realistically do you think you could keep this distance up , emotionally , mentally and financially ? It seems a bit of a non starter for me personally especially if it's already causing problems after a week .

I think it will fizzle out or one of you will jump in too soon moving to live with the other to make it work.

I guess though only you know how long you can see it working ...

We are meant to have 5 more months of long distance. Christmas was great - after spending time with my family, I spent the rest of of the hols with his. I do feel he loves me and makes a Big effort in person.

But now that there is no future event to look forward to, i feel a bit hopeless.

I had ldr for over 3 years. My biggest regret was not having enough patience! And we didn't have tech back then! We wrote weekly, spoke weekly and saw each other about 4-6 weeks !!
Don't play mind games, just ring him!!

I'd say chill a bit. it's only been 4 months, so how many times have you actually seen each other? Finding a new job is really stressful and while it must be frustrating for you, he is being honest and realistic - instead of making plans that he might then have to break.

If you're losing interest after a week, I don't think this relationship will last to be honest.

I know he is stressed with work so I am reluctant to raise it. But I am also stressed with not knowing when we will see each other.

I am not losing interest in him, but in the situation. I feel we can make it work as long as regular visits are planned.

Did it only start 4 months ago, already long distance?

Or do you have some history?

we've been together for 1 1/2 years. Our relationship was in personas until 4 months ago.

Youre practically half way through it!

I know - and I feel like we've both put our all into it so far. Just hearing him say 'when we'll next see each other, although I don't know exactly when that will be...' is difficult

Maybe I do need to suck it up but at the same time I need something to look forward to in terms of the relationship! Before we were always making plans to having the countdown, but for now there's nothing.

It sucks but at least it's doable to see each other semi regularly.
Df and I havnt seen each other since June. Though he is flying down March We speak daily on the phone, send random funny things to each other and play games together on the phone /Xbox at times it can be emotionally draining but it's always worth it.

What's the end game for you guys?Are you moving there? Imo it's all pointless if there isn't and end to it.

Sorry, didn't realise you'd actually been together for 18 months.

In that case, I would definitely chill and make a plan for when you can see each other again? Maybe plan a special date night at a restaurant? You don't need to book anything now but just create 'something' to look forward to?

Well this is the thing thesmallthings.

Before I moved, I lived with him for 1 1/2 months. Then just before I left he said he had loved living together & would love for me to move back in with him when I return.

But over xmas when I broached the subject again he froze up & started going on about stressed he was with work/went totally off topic. Eventually he said he wants us to have our own home that we build together, but I felt I was having to coax him into saying it.

He's just found out he didn't get an interview for a job he really wanted so now he's feeling miserable! I understand he's slightly in limbo just now but I do still feel we need to be making some kind of plan as a couple. It's becoming a source of stress for me because my contract in this country and job ends in less than 6 months.

But over xmas when I broached the subject again he froze up & started going on about stressed he was with work/went totally off topic.

And what does that tell you about the future of your relationship?

What on earth does this mean? Our relationship was in personas until 4 months ago

Do you mean you had an online relationship with made-up personas? How is that real? Or is this a typo and it should just be person?

Any statement that includes I feel we can make this work feels like hard work to me already.

I don't think this is sustainable tbh.

In person I assume, twitter, based on the context of her posts. Unless you're being funny?

OP I couldn't be doing with this either. In any relationship if you're both excited about it and into each other it should be normal to have plans to next see one another, even if they're a while away! If I really love someone I want to have our next meet up to look forward to. And if the guy wasn't the same it'd turn me off like a cold fish and I doubt I'd be into it, wondering why he wasn't fussed about seeing me.

Even if he has interviews coming up there's no reason you can't visit him, he's there for the interview and you can spend time together.

However I'm sad to say i think based on what you've written I don't think he's as interested in you as you are him anymore :( given you were living together and had plans to resume, and you need to know what plans to make when you return, I think his response of clamming up then deflecting to a muddy answer when you asked about moving back in with him shows he doesn't want it anymore. Easier to waffle and say he wants a whole new place together than say he doesn't want you living with him

Maybe he's unsure and just seeing how it goes but clearly you want more. I'd hate to be with someone I felt was noncommittal like that. If I moved away from my OH there'd be no question I was moving back in with him, why wouldn't we when we share a life together and want a future together? A guy who was in love with you and ready for that commitment would respond with 'of course I can't wait to have you here with me again' and would be bringing it up and counting down with you. He sounds like a bit of a wet fish and not as into you as you are him, but afraid to admit it. Maybe he doesn't want to argue or split while you're away from each other or maybe he's just having a few doubts but it's usually too painful on the committed partner to handle this so the relationship may take some damage or be doomed.

Ha ha Twitterqueen I live in Spain right now and persons = personas. Spellcheck, sorry! I can deal with the LDR ok - it's not terrible. But planning ahead is 100% essential to me.

I don't know what it tells me *NotTheFordType. I did bring up the topic right before bed (which was stupid and unfair of me) and he was already knackered. He said it would've been better if I wanted to talk earlier in the evening, which I'm sure was true and was my mistake. But I was still disappointed that he wasn't more enthusiastic.

LemonShark - thanks for this great reply!

I'm confused because just last November he said he's in this for the 'long run'. In the last few months he has also switched from calling me his 'girlfriend' to his partner, and at Christmas, he flew me out to spend it with his family. So in my mind I'm thinking things are getting more serious.

Before every trip, he always gets really excited. At Christmas he counted down the days until we saw each other. It's just lately he's been off, although he says ' I miss you so much' on each call.

Hmm, if it's very recent I'd try chill out a bit in that case and assume it's work stress causing him to be a bit distant. I have depression and although I can't imagine it'd make me not want to see my OH it does make me less enthusiastic and more distant, and I know stress can do the same. Perhaps try and steel yourself for the worst and give it a few weeks/couple months then bring it up again in the context of needing to make plans for your accommodation when you return?

I know it's cliche but if he's pulling back a bit I'd do the same, it's only gonna make things worse if he's needing space and you're coming closer to him making (fair) demands. Try focus on your own life and friendships and hobbies for a while to get some balance back and remind yourself as much as you want him, he's just one man and whether it works out with him or not you'll be okay and happy :)

Lemonshark he calls me every day & wants to know how my day is going. In fact he contacts me more now than he did before - so maybe he really does miss me.

This weekend I'm not keen to sit through another long Skype with no future plan. So, I think I want to postpone our next call until he's ready to make a plan with me. Does that sound harsh?

I have made multiple plans with friends this weekend, so at least that might take my mind off it!

No not harsh, but it may come across as manipulative if he knows that's why you're postponing. And if he doesn't know it'll achieve nothing!

I'd set up the call but have plans shortly after so you can have a quick catch up then have to dash to see your friends tbh. Give him chance to miss you and see you have your own life, and that if he wants to see you he has to put some effort in. I know it's a game I suppose but I think the best thing you can do is that, given you've already spoken openly to him about how you feel and it hasn't really made it any better for you.

This way you're not sticking a spanner in the relationship or making him feel you don't care unless you have a date to meet, but neither are you putting yourself through a long call that might upset you reminding you what you're missing/wondering if or when he's gonna take the initiative to meet. Plus it'll take your mind off it to go have fun with friends!

Basically don't make someone a priority if you feel a bit like he's seeing you as an option and isn't as keen to see you as you are him. Whatcha think?

Ha, well the only thing I will actually have to do is lesson plans (I'm a teacher!). I'll be with friends all afternoon beforehand though.

He knows I have a life here...and that other people are coming to visit - which is why he needs to plan a little more ahead.

The problem is I know what I'm like - if I sit through another Skype without any reassurance RE future plans, I'll have to say something! I am also going to reapply to my current job for another year in this country...and tell him as much. Not because that is what I am going to do, but because I think I should give myself every opportunity right now.

Why don't you just say we need to plan our next date... it doesn't have to be him.
Ldr esp need good communication.. including when you feel insecure.. not mind games or mind reading.

Wasn't being rude or funny. Personas is common terminology in a) my line of work (marketing) and b) online too I think, when people pretend to be someone they're not?

I was just checking that this wasn't some weird relationship based on false representation!

Hi OP - first up let me say i know where you are coming from, although y situation was a little more complicated (we were in different continents, +8 hours time difference etc) We did this for 2 years. It was tough - we had to plan way in advance for calls and meets and it was sometimes the only thing keeping me going - the knowledge i would see him in X months etc. Communication is key here - as him when he is going over next, dont wait for him, ask him. Yes he has a lot on his mind re jobs, but that is separate to his relationships.

From what you've said - it does sound (im sorry) that he's lost a little interest in you for whatever reason, it could be the distance, it could be the stress. I hope it works out for you - ldr are super tough - but if its any consolation, i moved and me and my long distant bf eventually got married , we now have two beautiful children. It can work if both parties want the same.