BIL upsetting DH

[redcocker]

DH birthday yesterday. No card or present from BIL. DH was a bit hurt - he always gets good presents for BIL and family. Last night BIL rang up, said a card was in the post, and btw could me and DH please babysit their kids while they have a weekend away? To do this we would have to take a day off work (!!!), travel 300+ miles, lose our entire weekend. They didnt offer to pay any money.

I am having none of it but DH hasnt written off the idea altogether. I wish he would though. BIL and SIL would never in a million years do anything like that for us.

I dont know how to help DH. He always used to think he had a really good relationship with BIL but this is the latest in a long line of things and its really getting him down. He hasnt got much family and BIL has always been important to him, but not the other way round, I guess.

Any advice? DH would be furious if I talked to BIL about him but BIL doesnt have a clue how DH feels. at least I dont think he does.

Stay out of it.

Let the menfolk manage their own relationships. If BIL is a user then better your DH realises that sooner rather than later (if you decide to somehow try to shield him from the reality of it). I get that you don't want to see your DH hurt; that's natural on your behalf.

Of course, you are captain of your own ship and you can say no to babysitting for the weekend because you don't want to/can't afford to take a day off/don't want to travel 300 miles/think BIL is a user/whatever.

And then your DH can either babysit alone or say that nah, he doesn't fancy it either.

get them to have a weekend away nearer to you then they can bring the kids to you, don't see why you need to do the travelling!! I also wouldn't take a day off for it.

I would not talk to BIL because you won't get anywhere by doing so, it will be a complete waste of time and he will regard you as beneath contempt. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. He does not care either for your H or for you people for that matter.

It seems like your DH is still trying to gain approval from his brother even now; this dynamic likely was started by their parents and certainly predates you. People from such dysfunctional families end up playing roles. Your DH is likely to be the scapegoat within his family of origin with his brother likely being more favoured overall.

What are his parents like?.

Who answered the phone to your BIL, you or DH?.

Will your DH be willing to speak to a therapist or at least read about dysfunctional and or otherwise toxic families?. His own boundaries are way too low and he is also allowing himself to be taken advantage of. He needs to deal properly with his own fear, obligation and guilt regarding his brother and his family of origin because you're also being caught up in the fallout from all this. His inertia when it comes to his brother simply hurts him as well as you. He at the very least needs to stop with the present buying for his brother's family as it is not reciprocated. I would also now consider blocking his brother's number from your phones, you do not warrant being treated like serfs.

Stay out of it but refuse to be part of the baby sitting shenanigans.

My BIL is one of life's takers. My favourite moment was asking for money 3 days after DD was born and we were hanging out in the NICU .
Anyway, I make my points to DP, he goes back for more and there's not a lot you can do about it. I don't have much to do with the BIL and make it clear he's not welcome in my home etc but aside from that if DP wants to chuck money at him to spend on booze that's his lookout. Definitely don't assist with the babysitting!

Surely your DP can babysit if he wants to and you can do your own thing?

I agree with Attila's post. You/DH can't change BIL's behaviour and it would be a soul-destroying waste of time to try. You can only change your own responses to it, not just in practical terms but in how much it affects you emotionally - and it sounds like DH will need your support to do that.

"We" would have to? Nope, there is no "we". If HE wants to spend his weekend running about then let him get on with it.

There’s another way to just refusing and do doing the weekend by himself, you can suggest that he says that he was going to ask them to do the same for him but wasn’t sure if it was too much of an ask. So he can say to BIL it’s a yes if they can do a weekend which falls before theirs. That way when they don’t do it, you do do theirs either.

Holding a mirror up to a situation so the other person has their behaviour reflected is a great way to work out what’s reasonable and whether a relationship is one sided.

Good call, Joysmum

That's really sound advice, joysmum!

Thanks everyone

I will definitely not be babysitting and wouldn't mind explaining why to BIL (DH probably wont let me have that conversation though, im not always very tactful).

I guess this is one of those "accept the things I cannot change" situations.

Attila You are right about the ancient family dynamic! DH's parents both died before DH turned 20, so I never met them. It might not come as a massive shock to you that BIL is the oldest and DH the youngest of the sibs. I cant see DH cutting them off, at all. He has little family besides me. Also, because BIL and SIL live so far away from us, their behaviour bullshit only really gets to us a couple of times a year.

I dont think DH is ready for therapy - yet. He is very emotionally contained. I had some therapy a couple of years ago about my own family stuff and discussed it with him quite a lot. I think all of that - a lot of analysing what went on when I was growing up - is starting to make him think about his family differently now though, idealise them less.

Pp are so right about him needing boundaries. With other people, with me (I think) hes fine, but with sibs he reverts back to a reliant/submissive kid type role, which is weird to see because hes so switched on normally.

I laughed in a shocked way when he told me about BIL asking, said I wouldnt do it. He said he still might. I think he knows its a piss-take (if we took the train it would cost us £400+ for the privilege of caring for their kids all weekend. We aren't loaded) but doesnt want to acknowledge that his esteemed DB is a tosser inconsiderate.

@joysmum

We cant ask for the exact same favour back because we dont have kids yet. In principle is a good idea though. I will have a think...

I did say to DH that they would never do the same for us. The look on his face was like a) upset because he knows its true b) angry that I'd criticised his DB c) resigned because he couldn't argue against it.

(I know that sounds like a lot to get from a facial expression, but I know him well)

Could you get DH to say it would cost you £400+ so you can’t do it unless BIL pays? Or suggest they drive the kids down to you?
I’d definitely not do it though

The ONLY way I would consider it under the circumstances is if they agree to deliver and pick up their own children from your house. You're giving up a personal day for them plus a weekend; they can at least do that much. Their long weekend away can be closer to you if it's truly about time together, not an exotic far flung holiday.

I wont suggest they drive the kids to us in case they agree

I think DH would be insane to do it for free and I will tell him so...

Aaaand name change fail. When will I learn to preview properly???

The thing is, he wouldn't be doing it for free. He'd be in the 'red', essentially, well out of pocket so they can have a child free jolly! And he'd be down a personal day at work, too.