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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OH cheating

25 replies

MMar0204 · 12/01/2018 12:04

So after years of thinking that he'd been cheating (found a phone bill 2 years ago when children were really small 1 and a half and six months old) that has numerous calls to escorts on it. I confronted him at the time and he said he had never gone through with it. Then a year ago I found a mail from a woman he know who had sent him a photo of her pool in holiday- he had responded to say 'where are the naked photos of you'. Again I confronted him and he said it was just harmless banter. Finally a week ago I found texts from a woman who he has been sleeping with- this time he couldn't deny it. Anyway after being a bit quiet for a while he says he has nothing to be sorry for- it is all my fault for not giving him enough attention and for being mentally not right (there is no grounding for this, apart from a short bout of depression after my second child- I have a full time job and have full responsibility for the children while he is away at work during the week). He also says I can get out, but if I try to take the children with me he will have them back. I moved when I had my first child, so have a limited network and no family here. His family are all here and he tells me regularly that they can't stand me. Confusing time as ideally I would like to move back to my own support network- but I'm trying not to disrupt the children. Not sure how best to proceed.

OP posts:

Wetwashing00 · 12/01/2018 12:20

Get your ducks in a row... move out, take the kids, get a residence order to say the children legally live with you. Then move back to where your support network is.

It will probably be lengthy, if he’s saying this now. But a lot of men say this to scare you into staying so they get an easy life, he probably wouldn’t go through with trying to fight you for the children.
Generally children are not removed from their mother unless they are deemed a danger by social services.

Or you could take a risk if he is no danger to your children.... my friend left her Husband, he said she couldn’t take the children, so she left the children with him but informed him she would legally get them back. She got her own place eventually with the help of her husband as he couldn’t cope with looking after 3 children,a house and a full time job on his own (despite help from his parents with childcare)

hellsbellsmelons · 12/01/2018 12:22

The children will be disrupted anyway and they will cope.
Get away and get back to your family.
This vile creature isn't even sorry he cheated on you.
And, as with all cheaters, it's your fault.
Blimey, they really all do follow 'the script'
It's boring and it's predictable.
Get away and take the kids with you.
He's using the kids as a way to get at you.
No way does he want them full time.
Do what is best for you. Put yourself first.
This 'man' is a asshole and a lying cheating scumbag.
Get out of there.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 12/01/2018 12:26

Whats your housing situation? I really hope you're not living in a house that he alone owns :(

Original poster

MMar0204 · 12/01/2018 12:30

Yes - the mortgage is in his name. I have given him significant financial support though- he was out of work for a year before DC1 was born (he had been in an out of work for some time before that) and I made lots of the mortgage payments for him (as well as utilities etc. etc.) However it is his house unfortunately.

OP posts:

Wetwashing00 · 12/01/2018 12:30

I agree that the children will be Disrupted anyway, you won’t be able to shield them from the fact that your relationship is ending.
It’s trying to keep everything civil that will be your issue if he’s saying this to you.

Wetwashing00 · 12/01/2018 12:31

If you have proof that you’ve made payments towards the mortgage (bank statements) I’m sure you can bring this up in divorce court

GaraMedouar · 12/01/2018 12:32

I wouldn’t leave your kids with him because it could set up a new status quo where they are seen as resident with him. Who owns the house ? You, Joint or him or are you renting? He will probably try and go for 50/50 residence.

It’s a good time to move as the children are not yet at school.
Probably best to take some legal advice, whilst you get things in order.

Karigan1 · 12/01/2018 12:41

Your support network is only a phone call away. Get planning and get out if there. Go stay with a friend. Take the kids. Then sort it out through the courts.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 12/01/2018 12:42

Just make plans to leave his sorry arse and take the kids with you. He'll have to pay maintenance, how old are they?

Original poster

MMar0204 · 12/01/2018 12:45

They're 2 and 3 now

OP posts:

purplebat · 12/01/2018 13:26

sorry you are going through this. he sounds like an absolute twunt. he is a grown man who made the conscious decision to cheat each time. this is NOT your fault. prepare for his speech to do a 360 and become all apologetic and crocodile tears and be sure to tell him to fuck off when it does.

Longdistance · 12/01/2018 13:32

Are you married?

The children are young and will adapt better to change than say a teenager.

He really is following the script isn’t he?

Make your plans to move back to your family to get that supports network you will need.

thethoughtfox · 12/01/2018 13:45

He is a dick. However, if he works a lot and wants to spend his time with new women and escorts, he won't want your children full time. He is just bluffing to stop you from leaving and frighten you.

Mix56 · 12/01/2018 13:46

Go to CAB, get informed. look at the rental house market in the area you want to live in, (your work area?)
Move out with your children asap.

thethoughtfox · 12/01/2018 13:46

I'm so sorry

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 12/01/2018 13:49

DO NOT LEAVE WITHOUT YOUR DC - they won't care about moving /leaving nursery /lovely house etc. THEY DO NEED A HAPPY DM!
Don't be too proud /ashamed to ring a relative and tell them you need help to get away from him!!
Collect relevant paperwork etc and pack some stuff. .
Make the call.

Dadaist · 12/01/2018 14:17

If you are married then it doesn’t matter whose name the house is in - it’s a joint asset!

ChickenMom · 12/01/2018 14:45

Move back to where your support is ASAP and definitely before you have to start applying for your eldest child’s school place. Once they start school it’s going to be very difficult for you to move so best to get it done now

CardinalCat · 12/01/2018 14:54

See a lawyer asap. But before that, call your mum/ sister/ whoever is in your support network and tell them what you've told us, don't do any more of this alone

Cambionome · 12/01/2018 15:43

The really key thing here is whether you are married or not, op?
If you are, it doesn't matter who's name the house is in.

Original poster

MMar0204 · 12/01/2018 15:50

We're not married- we were engaged. I was going to jointly take on the mortgage with him a few years back- but he had missed multiple mortgage repayments, so I was reluctant to have that mortgage on my credit file.

OP posts:

Cambionome · 12/01/2018 18:49

You have far less financial security if you are not married. Sorry.
If I were you, I would see a good solicitor asap.
Do that before you move out of the house, as moving out may well not be a very good idea...
(Many solicitors will give you a free half hour so shouldn't be too expensive to get some idea of where you stand.)

Twogoround · 12/01/2018 19:12

If you are not married move out

Softkitty2 · 12/01/2018 21:06

Move. He cannot look after the children in his own and is using them to control you

MrsSk · 13/01/2018 20:51

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Please go and get some advise. As for him keeping the DC like you said he works away during the week and you take care of them. It is unlikely he would even be able to take care of them nevermind keep them. That is just a threat to intimidate you. Please call a friend or a relative I am sure they would be devastated if they thought you were doing this alone.
Do not listen to mindless threats even though your name is not on the mortgage you cannot be put out on the street.
I really wish you well. Take care

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