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Original poster

Do open relationships work

32 replies

Skateboard · 12/01/2018 10:54

My wife thinks we should have an open marriage because she thinks I then could find somebody that I can have lots of sex with and would love hearing me talk about how I know best, my wife would then be able to find somebody that does not criticise everything she does and appreciates her, she also tells me I am nothing special and she could do better. We do have 2 great children and she constantly tells me they are the only reason she is still with me.

Thoughts please

OP posts:
BatFaceGal · 12/01/2018 10:58

What thoughts do you want? Salacious ones? Grin

BigBrownBoogyinBear · 12/01/2018 11:02

They can ( I'm in one) but in your case I think, no. I'm unsure as to whether the bit about you criticising everything she does is your viewpoint or your wife's, but it sounds like she resents you and wants to fuck someone else just for the hell of it. That's not an open relationship.
Staying together "for the kids" never works. Find a way to split, co-parent effectively.

c3pu · 12/01/2018 11:09

Thoughts please

LTB.

asomodai · 12/01/2018 11:16

Open marriages only really work for people who are very much in love with eachother and are genuinely open minded and comfortable.

Yours does not seem to follow this mold.

lottieandmia22 · 12/01/2018 11:25

Generally open relationships never work and someone always gets hurt.

And what about the other people you are potentially going to invite into your marriage? They will have their own thoughts and desires and don't just go back in a box at the end of a sex session.

Redguitar2 · 12/01/2018 11:27

In your case no! Your marriage sounds incredibly flawed. It sounds like you need to be going your separate ways. TBH your wife sounds emotionally abusive.

Original poster
Skateboard · 12/01/2018 11:29

BigBrownBoogyinBear - all the reasons stated are from my wife's point of view, she believes because I have an opinion on something she has/is doing then I am criticising her and I am arrogant and just like the sound of my own voice.

Example - Love do us a favour when you load the dishwasher can you do it how the instructions say is best to do it, because the way your doing it does not clean the dishes and we then have to re wash them.

My wife then does not do as I have asked, I then show her examples of what happens when she does not load the dishwasher as per the recommended way, I am then told I'm a condescending control freak and it's actually ok if she loads the dishwasher the way she wants to, it's not like she's killed a kid, the worlds not going to fall apart.

My intentions are to have an easy life and not to create extra work, do we all not learn by our mistakes through trial and error but eventually find the best way to do things.

You could say the easy way is to say nothing just watch things go wrong and then sort it out when the wife's not looking, is that what makes a happy marriage because my wife believes that is actually what makes a happy marriage, for her maybe with no consequences of her actions.

I don't want an open Marriage, I don't want to split up, what to do, what to do???

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 12/01/2018 11:36

Why dont you load the dishwasher instead?
If you dont like the way she does things then you do them. Theres nothing worse than someone giving their orders and instructions.
She sounds fed up of you.If I were you I'd split and then you can both find people you are more suited to.

Original poster
Skateboard · 12/01/2018 11:41

Rudgie47 - I do and so does she but I then have to re-do the ones she's done, so just asked for a bit of consideration

Does not make sense to me, its just as easy to load it the recommended way as it is to do it a different way.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/01/2018 11:46

Oh dear.
What other things do you 'recommend' she do differently?
How often do you suggest she isn't doing something correctly?
From your last post, I'm started to side with your DW!
Although she doesn't actually want an open relationship.
She wants you to leave so she can find happiness with someone else.
And she wants you to suggest and recommend stuff to someone else.

Abitlost2015 · 12/01/2018 11:49

What your wife is saying is that she is fed up of being nagged for sex and advised from the couch on how to do housework. Hardly surprising.

DelphiniumBlue · 12/01/2018 12:02

She's telling you that she finds your constant criticism of her a deal breaker.
Listen to her, and decide whether an imperfectly loaded dishwasher is more important than the happiness of the woman you profess to love.

fantasmasgoria1 · 12/01/2018 12:16

You sound controlling to me and like you think you are always right. I think you and your wife would be better off apart

HoHoHoHo · 12/01/2018 12:21

It doesn't sound like you like each other very much.

Thinkingofausername1 · 12/01/2018 12:30

If she says that to you. You are better finding someone else who appreciates you in all aspects of the relationship.
It will only make the problems you have worse, having an open marriage.

Thinkingofausername1 · 12/01/2018 12:40

And you need to ask yourself why you are constantly criticising Wink

AlonsosLeftPinky · 12/01/2018 12:54

Yes, I've been in one for a long time. But it was never to fix a problem. We've always been very much in love and happy.

juneisthemonth · 12/01/2018 13:15

I'm not going to lie if my partner so much as tried to tell me I was loading the dishwasher wrong I would seriously look at wanting to punch him! Lol that seriously is condescending, if I was her I'd be telling you to do it yourself from now on. There are things my partner does that doesn't do as well as me, but I would never criticise due to the fact he's doing it! When really he could be making no effort to do it. Plus we are all adults, who wants to be patented by their other half?

Greensleeves · 12/01/2018 13:27

I can see your point of view. There are certain household tasks my dh does a really weird version of and I am guilty of moaning at him about it. For example, if he is tidying a really messy room he will fixate on one small task (alphabetising the DVD collection when there is dirty crockery everywhere and the kids have strewn their pyjamas on the floor, and we have guests arriving, grrr). We share the housework and childcare 50/50, I adore him and have masses of respect for him and vice versa, but living and sharing a home with someone means that some of their habits drive you bonkers.

It sounds like you have got the balance wrong though, if your wife feels that you are constantly criticising her and not appreciating her. Do you usually show love and respect? Do you share the load equally? Are there things you do differently that irritate her, and are you receptive and understanding if she says so? Is the balance of power in your relationship equal?

I don't think you need an open relationship. Even if your wife hasn't already checked out and is suggesting it seriously, all it would do is drive you further apart. Open relationships only work where there is total respect and security and both partners are comfortable with it.

How far are you prepared to go in listening, adapting your own behaviour and possibly apologising to your wife? Because the dishwasher doesn't matter, does it? If you don't sort this out, you'll be living alone and then you can load the dishwasher however you like because your wife won't be there to do it wrong.

flashpoint51 · 12/01/2018 13:29

Talk to someone about your OCD?? but seriously, if this sort of stuff is leading to discussions of an open relationshio, I'd say there are deeper issues here. Sit down and get her to open up about the things you do that irritate her. It's all about compromise and finding a middle ground.

My wife loads the dishwasher completely wrong, fwiw. Really not worth breaking my marriage over (which is how an open relationship founded on that basis will end up). And neither is me (I hope) leaving the toilet seat up.

Original poster
Skateboard · 12/01/2018 14:12

Thanks for the comments all really good stuff, to pick up on some of the comments, I do my fair share of the housework if not more, I constantly tell my wife I love her, I compliment her, I cuddle her but sadly none of my affection is reciprocated, I also accept and welcome criticism, (how else do we learn) if I am wrong then I own it and say sorry and yes you were right, my wife never admits she is wrong.
,

OP posts:
tsonlyme · 12/01/2018 14:15

Fuck me if you were my husband I’d start the dishwasher with just two plates and a spoon just to piss you off.

Greensleeves · 12/01/2018 16:24

Reading your latest post, you sound quite unhappy and aggrieved too. I wonder whether your wife would say similar things? Whatever the rights and wrongs, it seems that communication between you has broken down. The everyday affection and companionship isn't there. If you want to stay married to her (are you sure you do? You need to be certain one way or the other) then I think a cards-on-the-table, blame-free conversation is the place to start. She needs to know that you understand her feelings and are willing to meet her half way, and you need the same from her.

joystir59 · 12/01/2018 16:29

Who has got the energy to manage multiple Sexual and emotional connections. I have tried it and just found it boring. I wanted to feel settled aNd get on with other things that weren't about managing relationships

Branleuse · 12/01/2018 16:38

I think your wife sounds ace

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