investing too much in friendship

[oldfool3]

Good morning, I would appreciate your opinions and your advice please.I have an intense and a very emotionally heavy friendship with a male friend. To date, it has been mutual. I would be his confidante regarding any personal issues.He would also be minein any issues, besides my marriage. There is attraction there on his part but I am married and also i am not attracted to him.I am really hurting at the moment and im finding it hard to make sense of it. In fact, It sounds juvenile to me when i think about why Im uoset but yet have tears in my eyes at times. As i said I support and advise him but lately I feel he has become self absorbed and the friendship has become unbalanced. Whats resally upsetting me is that i had a very important personal celebration recently. He knew of its importance to me, has always acknowledged important celebrations in my life but on this occasion, He didnt remember, made no effort to contact me about it and then when I met him, made little of it.It hurt me.He graduated last year from an important post grad. He was excited and I wrote the card and got a thoughtful gift for him. That would have been normal behaviour in our friendship. we always celebrate important occasions..up to now. I think I am sad because I might be overinvesting in this and the friendship just isnt mutual. Maybe, the friendship is slipping away? I am not attracted to this man but I do love him, as I do my closest female friends. Any advice or thoughts please?

You're having an emotional affair OP.

Stop it now. It's unfair on your husband.

Hello again
Can I ask why you say that? Is it because i feel so sad that its clearly one sided or that Ill never have that emotional connection with him again or could you steer me through the fog please? thanks

The definition of an emotional affair is

A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that affects the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage."

Your comments are very clear.

I have an intense and a very emotionally heavy friendship with a male friend...

heavy emotions aren't meant for male friends...or really for female friends...but for your husband.

I would be his confidante regarding any personal issues.He would also be mine

Again...your husband should be your confidante.

There is attraction there on his part

You know he is attracted to you...a normal reaction for a married person would be to end the friendship then...not to continue it KNOWING he is attracted to you...you get some form of satisfation or thrill from knowing he's attracted.

He didnt remember, made no effort to contact me about it and then when I met him, made little of it.It hurt me

You're hurt because you fear him losing interest.

I think I am sad because I might be overinvesting in this

Yup

I do love him, as I do my closest female friends.

There you go....you love him. He's not a female friend though. He's a man.

Not ok

Thank you cheapsausages for taking the time to respond and clarify. You have made alot of sense to me .This has hit me like a barrel of bricks. I can see from this that i was filling an emotional void in my marriage.I am grateful for you taking the time to help me.

I have to say that if one forgotten birthday (?) by one friend leaves you in tears then you are overreacting. Maybe he’s having some difficulties in his own life that mean he’s not able to think about yours. Have you asked him?

I don’t really believe that you can’t have deep friendships if you’re married as a Pp has suggested, but you do certainly seem overly dependent upon/invested in his behaviour. Are you sure you’re not attracted to him?

I agree with everyone else. I would like to add that he probably should be pulling away if he has expressed an attraction to a married woman and it's not reciprocated for his own sake as well as yours.

Have you told him how you feel?