Treading on eggshells with friend. What shall I do?

[goldfinch4321]

I have a close friend that I have known for a long time and she does mean a lot to me. However, at certain times she will 'flare up' and I feel that nothing I can say or do is 'right'. She recently had some training, and messaged me afterwards to say she feels the course highlighted the problems she has processing information. I was also told not to lecture her or dismiss her. I don't feel like I've ever lectured or dismissed what she is saying - so I texted back asking if the course helped, or made her feel worse. And then I suggested that she feeds back to work about the areas she found challenging - and ask if they can help support. I've had no reply from her - and I feel like I've just upset her further. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong?

She often wants to speak with me on the phone, and the conversations can last longer than an hour. I have a family and am usually quite exhausted in the evening and fall asleep early missing her phone calls. Although I must admit - I sometimes ignore them as they tend to be very one sided - and again I'm constantly worried about saying the wrong thing. I'm wondering if it's best if I start to distance myself from this friendship.

Did she attend an anger management course?. Presumably she was the one who told you not to lecture or dismiss her.

She may indeed mean a lot but you really cannot and must not act as either a rescuer or saviour in a friendship or any other relationship because neither approach works. Look at your own motives in this.

Its not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way. I would not contact her at all further because she does not want your help or support, nor perhaps theirs for that matter. Some people just simply do not want to be helped.

Presumably as well she calls you because you're the last one left who actually bothers with her and her associated crises. I would certainly distance yourself a lot further from this so called friendship because it is distinctly unhealthy for you.

I think this is the thing that upset me - I was told not to lecture her or dismiss her, yet I'd said nothing! I do try and offer helpful suggestions but everything is shut down. I also know she suffers from PMT and these difficult conversations are always around that time.

Next to me she calls say you’re happy to listen to her problems, but first she needs to listen to yours for 30 mins. Her response to that will tell you everything.

So yes, just be less available. Don’t answer her calls or texts if you’re busy. (Watching TV with your feet up is busy). Take your time before calling back. If she says something you don’t agree with, tell her. Ask her for her time and energy. Ask for favours. Either she’ll respond positively to the relationship becoming more equal, or she’ll self-select out and go and find someone else to leech off.

Thanks Attila for your helpful replies!

Also don’t offer helpful suggestions, say, “That’s interesting. What are you going to do about it?”

Does she ever apologise for being shitty? Or are you expected to take it coz PMT.

Agree string, and thank you. It is about give and take. I just wondered if I HAD been dismissive in my response - or if I am doing something wrong. Your replies are helping me see sense!

Detach. What exactly do you get out of this friendship? She doesn't seem to consider you at all

She does consider me, however my life is quite steady, calm and settled. I'm very happy. She has a lot of instability and issues. She is a beautiful person, and very talented. I don't like to see her upset - I do want her to be happy.