I don't want to split up with my partner

[Confusedandhurtin]

I have a 4 year old with my partner and a 12yr old who lives with us half of the time from my previous relationship. My partner is always ignoring me and looks depressed all the time, he is hardly talking to any one but will never tell me what's wrong. He turns everything round on me, blaming me for everything. If I say I am unhappy about anything he tells me to f* off then. I feel like he hates me. He does not go to bed until 2 and never talks to me unless he wants something. My son says he doesn't like him but got really upset the other day and said why does he have to go through all this again-made me feel really guilty. I thought it would be better for him if I did split up but also my partner will want to stay in the house with our youngest son because he has always looked after him while I've been at work. I just want him to love me again but don't think he will.

That sounds incredibly hard. I’m really sorry but I can’t help ... but I didn’t want you to think you’d gone unread. I really hope someone comes along with good advice. All I can say is spend some quality time with your babies x x

you have my deepest sympathy.

What are you getting from this relationship? Does you support each other, are you a partnership? It doesn't sound like it. Your poor DS1, doesn't sound as if he's happy either. DS2: where does he fit in all this? He's more than a baby-sitting duty but you don't say.
You can't go on like this. Do you think DP can change? Doesn't sound like it. Have you thought about how you could move on and out and manage without DP?

If my dh said that to me. And behaved that way, I would definitely fuck right off.
It must be such a horrible atmosphere to live in. I think, you would be much better having some time on your own if he isn't admitting any problems or changing.

I confess I am lie that with DJ. I actually tried to leave a number of times over the years but he has found manipulative ways of keeping me including getting my child, family and church involved. He is so charming that everyone loves him and believes everything he says. Consequently I trust no one hence I talk to no one. But i spare no hostility in him as I hope that he will either leave or let him go... I don't know if that gives you any insight as he keeps telling me he loves me and does all this in my best interest.....

He has managed to isolate you socially so that you trust no-one and talk to no-one. However, you know this treatment of you is wrong because you have posted here so he has not completely succeeded in isolating you. He does not love you (he does not know the meaning of the word) and is certainly not acting in your best interests. He instead wants to keep you in a gilded cage of his own paranoid making.

You need to leave this man, there is no other way forward for you even though such men do not let go of their victims easily. He will not leave you because he will then have to put the work into find some other woman (men like this hate women, all of them) to control. He has you for that and does not see you at all as an equal.
Abusive men can be quite plausible to those in the outside world but I would think that one or two people that you know have their own suspicions about him. Its not your fault that he has actively decided to engage in his own private war against you. He is not depressed in the usual sense of the word and blames you for all his inherent ills. He is out and out abusive and is a very poor role model for any children who are also unfortunate enough to be seeing their mother being abused by him.

Womens Aid can and will help you here on 0808 2000 247 as will the Rights of Women organisations. Please call them, what you describe is no life for you or these kids.

Thanks for your messages, for making me feel less alone.

He seems angry - does he treat others how he treats you? If he's depressed/unhappy he should not be taking it out on you. He should go to the doctor. What if you said "don't talk to me like that" - what would he do or say. It's a miserable way to live.
Does he do anything with the 4 year old. Why doesn't he work? Is the 4 year old not in school yet or having 15 hours free childcare?
It will be worth calling women's aid for some input.
Do you have friends or family you can confide in or do you ever go out with friends.
Does he smoke cannabis or use drugs as these can affect your mood.
You don't need to answer the questions but I want you to look at the overall picture.

Yes he is at school now, so he does do some work. He was OK for about a week (after accusing me of having an affair in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago) but has now gone back to sitting in his chair looking angry and depressed. I just asked him why he was like it, he said I'm not arguing with you, so I came back to bed. He may come up in an hour or so and then probably get up early and I 'll probably avoid him for the day, feel guilty if I do anything without him or if I don't do anything, can't plan anything and then waste another weekend.

this is no life for anyone. please take up his offer and leave. what are your support options like?