My daughter told me was abused by her boyfriend .... wwyd

[crackalacking]

This is a long post so please bare with me

My daughter who is nearly 17 dated a boy the same age from ages 14 -16 sometimes on and off .
To be honest they had a intense relationship ....arguing alot and then making up ....they were just silly kids really. My daughter is very sensitive and struggles with self confidence and anxiety at times.
She recently told me that when they were together at his house he had forced her hand down his jeans and made her masterbate him ....she did not sant to do it and he made her do it and wouldnt let go of her hand until he had finished ....he is alot taller than her and heavier and they were in his basement as there is a cinema ( the family is well off ) she said she felt really scared as even if she wanted to call out no one would hear her . This happened when she was about 15 .... then last summer a similar thing happened again when they were in the basement ....he did it to her this time and tried as she might he overpowered her and wouldnt remove his hand . She clearly said no and tried to stop him ....she told me after an assembly at sixth form about consent and what constitutes rape . She is not wanting to tell authorities or schokl and doesnt want to get him in to trouble but she knows what he did was wrong and its affected her badly and now she doesnt want another relationship.
They did have consensual sex a few times when they were both 16 and it was ok as she put it .
What do i do ? What can she do to make sure he knows that was wrong( she has told him but he didnt seem to think it was wrong ) . What would you do ?

when I was just married to mr lalimerente there were a couple of times when we had to pay a visit to young men who had Been abusive towards my much younger cousins and the parents had done nothing. Crazy what the threat of scrotum damage does to a cowardly nasty young man....

I forgot. Take a pair of Pliers

She was sexually abused/assaulted :( he was forceful and threatening and at such a young age. My son is nearly that age. If it was my son, I'd want to know and I would deal with it. If he can force his girlfriend to do that when just 15 years old, imagine what he could go on to doing.

I think you need to talk to someone and get some advice for your daughter and how best to proceed. She's a victim of abuse and traumatised and may even have been forced in a way, to have sex.

But who do i talk to ..
Him ? His parents .....she doesnt want me too as she thinks his parents wont believe it ....they think he is a golden child . They have never given him the talk about yhe birds and the bees.

Have they broken up for good now? I think that is the first thing -- to make sure he is well out of her life.

Is it possible for her to speak to a counselor, someone from women's aid, something like that?

I wouldn't force her to tell anyone. She didn't have any control over what happened, and she should have control about what is said and to whom. If her gut is that his parents won't believe it, she is most likely right. I don't think it is her or your job to confront him or his parents. Only to stay from away from him.

There is an excellent chapter in "Why does he do that" that talks about how abuse starts and what the red flags are. I went through the chapter with my 19 year old DD. I think it is some of the most important parenting we can do -- to help them know what to look out for, to let them know that they have power to leave a relationship.

It's fine for her to not want a relationship -- most people who get out of a crappy relationship don't want another right away. Eventually, she'll most likely feel differently. There's no hurry.

Sounds like you have an amazing relationship with your daughter.

Be led by her, she's not a young child . There are independent services available that she could speak to if she wishes but she may prefer to have just got it off her chest to you. Tell her he was wrong, she's been so brave to talk to you and if she ever wants to do anything about it to come back to you. Definitely don't tell anyone she doesn't want you to. It's her story, not yours, and she's practically an adult.

Tell her you believe and support her, but that you also trust that she's sensible enough to know the right course of action for her. Yes you want him punished, but the important thing here is to listen to what she wants. By taking action against her express wishes not to, you will do far more harm than good here - you'll further damage her ability to trust those close to her, and also her confidence in handling difficult situations.

Rape crisis are a good source of information and also have a phone line she can call if talking to someone impartial would help her.

Yes we have a fantastic relationship but that wasnt always the case....her early teens where hellish ....but im so proud of her coming through it all she is doing her A levels and has a little job too ....she is kind and independant . Yes they are very finsihed with however he is in her sixth form and she has to see him everyday so its not like she can just forget about it / him ....they are a small group of sixth formers and are all friends . Im so happy they are over they werent good for each other . I havent told anyone not even my partner as she asked me not to . She has had a counsellor in the past but as she didnt want to get authorities involved she didnt tell her . I explained to her what he did was wrong and she said he didnt force her to have sex ...that it was a mutual decision.
I want to talk to him but what good would it do ? She really feels that he has no clue what he did was wrong.

Don't talk to him. Stay out of it.

If she tells a counselor, why would that automatically involve the authorities?

Honestly? If it was me I'd be round there having a serious word with him and his parents.
But as a single parent to a DD I am very mamma bear and have always been hot headed when dealing with anything against my DD.
I've never regretted anything I've done and my DD knows I'm in her corner and will protect her no matter what.
She's 20 now with a lovely BF so she doesn't need me anymore but if anything were to happen I'd still there - with bells on.

What an excellent mother you are to be having such open conversations in the first place, and to have the trust of your daughter. It's very important not to break that trust, which is why you haven't told anyone, and the same goes for not approaching the ex boyfriend yourself aswell.

Absolutely take the lead from your daughter, just let her know you will support her in any scenario.
I can only hope that the boy was also at the assembly and is now learning about consent. It's a crying shame that all young people aren't taught at an earlier age about healthy sex, respect and most importantly, consent.
Good luck and best wishes to your DD.

He was in the assembly and he said to her " what did you think of that stupid assembly " whilst laughing which made her more upset !!

Can you call your local SARC? She can access ISVA support and counselling there (although probably a long wait for the Counselling). They will absolutely not report to police without her consent in a situation like this (it would be different if he was an adult and in a position of power eg her swimming coach of course).