hi,
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post, so apologies if this would be better elsewhere.
Basically, my grown sister and our mum are at odds at the moment. The issue is over care of my sister's 15 month old son, as well as her impending move to another city.
My mum feels upset and annoyed that my sister would prefer to let her in-laws look after my nephew for an extended period. My sister's reasoning is that she feels my mum is a bit scatty, and though she would never intentionally hurt her grandchild, there's greater potential for something negative to happen than with her in-law who watches him like a hawk. I feel my sister is overreacting a bit, but she's a first-time mum and I totally respect and support her decision to parent her son in the way she chooses. I think there's also more to it really, because my mum can sometimes lash out and be quite hurtful when she feels abandoned, harshly criticised, or sad and insecure about something.
Still, they came to blows over the issue the other day - my sister admitted how she felt about care of her son after being confronted by our mum over the separate issue of her moving. Our mum is understandably hurt. They live in the same city and my mum is single, and has been for a long time. I think my sister sometimes finds their relationship overwhelming because while loveable, our mum can be tough to deal with. I have often wondered whether my mum struggles with a mild case of borderline personality disorder, if such a thing exists, or indeed if she has 'borrowed' such traits from her mum. We are actually a pretty close knit family but it's never enough for my mum who always seems to crave more input or control, possibly because she has no other close family or support system. My sister has also had issues with control throughout her life. It's hard sometimes to create normal boundaries within our family unit, so my sister feels she cannot rely on my mum to simply support her decisions without my mum criticising or placing herself at the centre of an issue that affects her, but isn't about her.
I live in a different city, but am close with my mum and sister, and I adore my nephew and brother-in-law. How can I support both my mum and sister, without taking sides, or making things worse between them? I see both perspectives, but it's honestly difficult to talk to either of them sometimes, and yet I don't want to be a person they don't feel they can come to because it's 'not my problem.' 