At a loss for words

[Lostforword]

I’m normally one for face to face discussions but I’m really struggling here so thought to ask outside my comfort zone...

I’ve been in a relationship for a few years and recently got married
My other half has a teenage son (15) who infrequently sees his Dad so spends 99% time with us
He’s always been difficult (understatement) but over the past 2 years he became aggressive, unruly, almost intolerable.
I’m talking hundreds of events where he’s caused damage or injury along with several with police involvement

This culminated last month when after me and his mum had an argument (seperate issue, but he was not involved or aware what about), he snuck out (whilst grounded), drunk in the middle of the night.
We found this out and tried to convince him to come back to no avail, so locked the doors and windows so he’d have to knock the door to come back in.
Around 2 hours later, my other half heard a noise and asked where my (new) car was.
I jumped out of bed and lo and behold, it was gone.
It’s not easy to steal and a quick check found he had clearly taken the keys when he left hours earlier, returned to the house and drove off, drunk.

I tracked it on an app and was on the phone to the police for an hour (another seperate issue, they were not much use), finally they found the car damaged beyond repair.

He ran off, eventually calling the police hours later to admit his involvement and to come collect him, I feel this was due to him crashing into a field in the middle of nowhere with no way to get home.

My other half and I agreed he flounced the rules one too many times, he could not come back and either had to go to his Dads or look at other options (he very much follows the rules at his Dads, with no issues like at home, and his Dad has space for him)
We both agreed we couldn’t control him and him being around was a danger to us (he’s made severe threats against me and has his mum pinned against a wall before).
Two weeks passed with him being at his Dads, my other half went to see him for a few hours only to call me and say his Dad wouldn’t keep him anymore and he was coming home
I explicitly stated if he walks into our home I will walk out, which I did.

Since then (and I have left out quite a few details, but none which really impact current status), she has gone back on what we discussed and welcomed him home, without me there.

She wants me to forgive and forget
But I can’t forget and I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive

The outcome so far is me and my wife are apart
I won’t go back into the house, not least because of what he has done but also because he has made threats of what he would do to me in my sleep.

She has sought counselling for him (I asked a year ago, and repeated every week for months with no action), and herself (she doesn’t know how to enforce rules), but I feel it’s all too late and I can’t be around them
Is this unreasonable?
She wants me to come to counselling too but I just feel it’s all after the damage has been done
Am just completely at a loss for what to do here

(And thanks to anyone who read this to the end!)

I would not be able to live in that situation. I don't blame your wife for not deserting her son, I think I would do the same but that doesn't make it any easier. Maybe living apart for a while would be good for everyone.

Was he deeply affected by his parents' split or does he have other issues? Does he need support?

FWIW my nephews used to come to blows with their parents at that age. They grew out of it after about 3 years.

You made it a choice between her son and you. She did right as far as I'm concerned. Whatever his problems/behaviour, (and I can imagine it's horrendous to live with), he's her son.

You have made the right decision. You set out your boundaries in a healthy way, and it sounds like your wife may find help professionally with setting her own.

Do you want to reconcile? Could you arrange to meet with her on neutral ground on a regular basis, to support your ongoing relationship?

Her son is clearly troubled, but she is sending him the wrong message in 'rewarding' his bad behaviour by letting him move back in, at the expense of her own relationship.

Some joint counselling (you and her) seems a good idea if you see a future with her. You can maintain your stance of not moving back in with her until her DS leaves.

His parents were never together, but they remained friends

And I get that it’s became a him or me situation, but I couldn’t live in a house with someone capable of what he’s done

The most common thing I’ve heard people say is one of two things

You made her choose, which she should never have to
Or
I couldn’t live with him either, and I don’t know what the answer is

You both made the right decisions for yourselves. Although if he does not get help/sort himself out your wife will continue to suffer whether or not you’re there.
If I was you I’d have left too, sounds an effing nightmare!

And we have counselling coming up, just the two of us
I could still see the future with her, and I’m not saying she couldn’t see him
Just he couldn’t live with us, now

I don't think the wife is right to side with the son in these circumstances. I presume the son has no MH issues and knows full well he is in the wrong with his piss poor behaviour? For your own safety stay away from him. You could end up with a knife between your ribs awake or asleep.

Maybe agree to separate for say 6 months until her ds has sought some therapy /cahms input.
I have been where she is, ds went to his df for a year after trying to hurl me down stairs heavily pregnant. He returned seemingly reformed, committed such a crime I had to put him into the care of Ss. Imo you have done the right thing, she is duty bound to support him but doesn't mean she has put you last if that makes sense. Support her from the sidelines, I wish you all well.

Not sure either are in the wrong, just coming from two different, but equally valid angles that aren't currently compatible.

She's trying to do the best for her son, you are not unreasonable to feel unable to out up with his behaviour.

I know couple who are waiting for one partners kids to move out before living together. Could that work?

He completely knows what he did and that it was wrong
But it’s been the same countless times
I’ll change
I want to be a better person
I know you’ve given me all the chances I need and more
But every incident is followed by a bigger one after a day, week or month

I just want to get it through to her what he is really capable of

Is the house jointly owned OP? I think you have done the right thing although I can see how she is torn. You should not be barred from your own home however. You may just have to wait until he is 18 and can be sent to be housed elsewhere

Where do you suggest he go? It is obviously difficult for your wife and she loves her son and wants to help support him. You made her choose and she has chosen what she feels is best. It’s now your choice whether you can live with it or not.

I bet his absent father has had an impact on his DS but the poor mum bears the brunt. Has DS DF got any counselling for his son? Agreed to go for counselling with him?

OP, you have done exactly what I would do in those circumstances. There aren't any good options here, just options that are "least worst".

In your shoes I would stay away from the house, and separate from/divorce your wife.

Your wife won't desert her Son, that's understandable. She isn't doing him any favours long term, but you can't help that. All you can do is get yourself away from a dangerous situation which could drag on for years. When he reaches 18, would he be in a position to find his own place, or would your wife kick him out? Doubtful...

The house is jointly owned, she put higher portion of deposit but I paid more mortgage, was perfect when we were together but now is a nightmare.

Perfect solution was his Dad to have him, with us working on a way to accept him slowly back into our lives
But that option never got took up and resulted In where we are now

As for him moving out, he says he wants to as soon as old enough, but then again, he’s constantly said he wants to change his life and each time is worse
So I don’t believe or trust a word he says...

But do appreciate all the comments, helping to gain outside perspective

So difficult for you.
In your place, I’d leave.
In her place, my son would always come first. 15 is so young.

Why is he like this
It's pretty unusual to be randomly this bad
Why did his dad not want him?
There are some serious counselling sessions needed

She's his mum, she's going to have a lot more capacity for forgiveness.

But I agree, he needs hardcore therapy and I'm surprised social services aren't involved

You need to be patient even if you aren't living with her.

@Lostforword

'As for him moving out, he says he wants to as soon as old enough, but then again, he’s constantly said he wants to change his life and each time is worse
So I don’t believe or trust a word he says'

He's only 15 so don't write him off. I honestly don't believe happy people act in this way so something is going on in his head. But what?

However, I can understand this situation is awful for you all and I think you did the right thing moving out. Her DS needs an intervention asap. If she has the money, I'd get him some private counselling session. Maybe get his DF to contribute?

The poor kid is 15, something is obviously troubling him. Kids aren't just arseholes for the the fun of it, something is wrong and I'm not sure you are helping (your post has no warmth to him at all)

Never would I abandon my son. Never. And I wouldn't stay with a man who expected it of me.

You've both done the right thing.
You in moving out.
Her in choosing to support her child.

The only thing you've done wrong (in my opinion!) is see living with his father as the perfect solution. He doesn't see his father often - but it does seem from your post that that's the boy's choice, the father is around. I don't think shipping off a troubled teen to another home is the perfect answer. It may be a good answer - but you just seem to come across like you think it'll solve everything. It won't.

I think that going ahead with getting married when he was already behaving badly was naïve.

I think the best solution now is to accept that you can't live together, to admire your wife's stance, to keep going to counselling and keep your marriage going - but from separate homes.

Many people on second marriages delay loving together because of children. I have! I don't think you have to split up because you can't live together for now.

This may seem unsympathetic towards you but it's the 15 year old kid I really feel for. What has happened in his life that results in this destructive behaviour?
Of course his mum can't give up on him. I completely understand why you don't want him living with you but you might just be asking too much of her.

I agree with many posters above who have said that you both have made the right decision individually.

Clearly the boy is going off the rails and needs help and guidance and also the counselling that you have mentioned.

He is 15 and still a child with a mass of hormones and emotions, it can sometimes be a difficult age particularly if there are difficult personal situations to deal with. I am in no way trying to excuse or minimise his behaviour at all. There is no excuse for violent and threatening behaviour and if you feel unsafe then you absolutely made the right decision to move out.

It sounds as if he has a difficult and distant relationship with his father due to the minimal contact he has with him. This leaves your wife with the sole responsibility of being the only stable and loving adult in his life. She is his mum and will always choose and protect him most situations. It is clear and understandable that you (his mums new husband and his stepdad) do not have a close relationship at all so this also adds to the complicated situation.

Can you forgive him if his behaviour improves with counselling and he makes positive progress? If not then I'm afraid you may have to walk away permanently.

He ran off, eventually calling the police hours later to admit his involvement and to come collect him, I feel this was due to him crashing into a field in the middle of nowhere with no way to get home.

Maybe it was due to the fact that when he sobered up a little his reckless behaviour had sunk in and scared some sense into him. Maybe he was a bit frightened to be in trouble with the police and in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night after a serious car crash (even though it was entirely his fault) and If the car was indeed damaged "beyond repair" then he could well of been killed or seriously injured.

I wouldn't live in those conditions, OP, I think you did the right thing for YOU. I can also understand why your wife has done what she has done as she believes it is the right thing to do for her SON.

However, while of course it's right she should support her son, at the same time, she seems very blinkered and sometimes I'm afraid you do have to say "enough" and seek expert help. As you say, you repeatedly asked for counselling over a year and she ignored you. Until you, quite reasonably, left. She doesn't enforce rules and expects you to forgive and forget when this is someone who has, more the once, pinned his own mother to the wall. You must feel hideous and that you can't protect her.

I understand her, but I actually don't think she's possibly doing the right thing by her son.

It's very sad, but I think you have to let her go and I would absolutely divorce because I can't see this situation ever changing.

I'd have done the same as you.
But I also see that she can't just kick out her 15 YO DS.
Could you just date for the next few years?
Unfortunately boys/men don't fully develop their brains until early 20's so you've got a wait on your hands.
Personally I'd be looking to divorce and sort out selling up etc....

I have a DD who was hell from 13-16.
She really turned a corner at 16 and was changed person.
She's absolutely lovely now and I'm so proud of her.
It can work out.

Are the police prosecuting him for the theft of your car?
You made the right decision to move out.