Should I just get over this?

[AnitaInWonderland]

This happened a long time ago, but It keeps bothering me. DH and I don't have the greatest relationship and I struggle a lot with the way he treats and talks to me.
This may be long but don't want to drip feed.
So around 2 years ago I was very ill with mental health issues.
Really bad anxiety and felt like I was having a bit of a breakdown.
I found some flirty messages on DH phone to a mutual friend. He was telling her how pretty and kind she was. She didn't really respond and sort of shut him down. But in my mind I think he was 'fishing' to see if she would respond (if that makes sense).

DH and I had a huge argument. I was so hurt that I was going through a bad time and he was sending messages like that.Also that he wasn't being very supportive to me. He swears it was innocent and to be honest I let it slide as I was more worried about my mental health.

I hadn't been socialising at all during this time but with the help of AD's I started to feel a bit better and went to a party hosted by our friends Jack & Jill.
Had quite a good time and continued with my recovery.

About 9 months ago I bumped into Jack and Jill. They asked how I was and I confided in them that although I was feeling better DH and I were experiencing problems.
They went on to tell me that at the party we all attended ( whilet I was in another room) Jack and my DH had words.

Apparently Jack asked DH how I was (as they knew I had been experiencing MH issues).

DH replied "Oh she's just fucking mad'.
Jack got angry and told my DH how he should be supporting me, how he was lucky to have me and how out of order he was.
As I said I was totally unaware and only found out 9 months ago. Jack & Jill said they told me because 'you can do so much better than DH."

I never brought this up with DH. But it has been playing on my mind. I keep thinking about it. How upsetting that I was going through a terrible time, him texting another woman telling her how lovely she is (to make her feel better as she was struggling) and telling our friend that I was "just mad".

This is starting to effect my MH and I don't know if I should just leave it now or if I would look stupid bringing this up to DH after all this time?

I think the fact that it’s playing on your mind and bothering you after a bit of time is telling you something about your relationship and how you feel about him.
It sounds like when you needed him he wasn’t there for you and maybe you’re worried about that again in the future.

I don't think there's much point 'bringing it up'. But your husband sounds like a disrespectful cunt and Jack and Jill have him sussed. Are you getting support with your MH? Have you considered the impact of your relationship with your H on your MH?

Well I think your friends must have been pretty pissed off to confront your dh in the manner they did. Most friends in my experience would keep out of it.
He sounds like an arse.

bastardkitty
Yes I have thought about that. I have often thought that ice my mental health is ok my marriage would be.
However, I'm now thinking the opposite. That my marriage is causing my mental health issues.

It sounds wise for ypu to consider this. You need a safe and private place to talk this through. I agree with Racmactac - they must have been appalled to challenge him like that.

They were appalled.
They were very worried about me at the time.

He is an unsupportive asshole! And his behaviour and how he treats you is likely a huge cause of your MH issues.
Leave him, not the issue.

This would have me re-thinking the whole thing OP

So should I bring it up?
I know I need to do something about my marriage buy is it silly of me bringing this up after all this time?

What's the point of bringing it up now? Unless you use it as one of the reasons to get out of the relationship.

Bring it up if you feel he is doing it again or cheating. If you bring it up without new things coming to light, he will just accuse of being irrational or nuts.

*accuse you of

I wouldn't bring it up with him. He sounds a self-centred arse so I doubt he'd take your comments on board.

In your position I'd arrange some counselling for myself and assess my life and my marriage. Realistically with a view to leave him.

You will probably find a great relief in getting shot of him

If dh had done something that was still hurting me and that was putting distance between us, then I would bring it up however long ago it was, and he would want me to.

It was incredibly callous and unsupportive of him. I can't see how he can have treated you like that and still be a husband worth having, I'm afraid. I think you've had a revelation about the correlation between your MH and your relationship, and you can't put toothpaste back in the tube - so if you want to save the marriage, or even if you just want to clarify what sort of man he really is and why he did it, then you need to talk to him about it. Just be prepared for it not to go well and for big changes to be afoot

@AnitaInWonderland

However, I'm now thinking the opposite. That my marriage is causing my mental health issues.

I was thinking the same thing!

@Racmactac

Most friends in my experience would keep out of it.

Yep, again I thought the same thing!

Go with you gut OP. I wouldn't approach him, with your evidence just yet. Try and observe (snoop) first!

What’s the point of bringing it up? Do you think he will suddenly realise he’s an arsehole and change over night? It sounds like he has been constantly failing you. Your friends are right, you can do better.

What's your situation? Do you have a mortgage together? Are you/he working? Do you have children?

He sounds incredibly disrespectful, immature and selfish to me.

On the MH/relationship thing.
About 6yrs ago I had dibilitating anxiety - driving 2 miles away was possible, driving 10 miles wasn’t.
Anxiety had been a long term feature for all of our 13 yr relationship.
Eventually something snapped & I ended the relationship. I have been the best I’ve ever been, my confidence rocketed.
A memorable point for me was getting to the beach after 15yrs and paddling in the sea (70 miles!)
People are either radiators or drains. If you date a drain, your mental energy will be sapped resulting in anxiety or depression.
Ditch the drain!!! X

MyAimIsTrue
He has his own business
I work part time for him
We have a huge mortgage, but a lot of equity in house.
2 DC in their teens

I don't understand why you are so focused on whether you should bring this up or not but brush the fact you should do something about your marriage away,

If you're not willing to do something about your marriage, then no there is no point bringing it up, what would you hope to achieve by it?

Your husband hits on your friends, he insults you to other friends. And that's just the things you know, you can bet your last dollar he's done more. He's no respect for you and is making a fool of you.

If you're not willing to deal with thr big issues, then why deal with this, he will just say it was a joke and it will cause problems for jack and Jill.

Either deal with thr real issue or just keep on as if it is all ok.

I want to deal with the issue.
I am going to deal with it. But I didn't know when I speak to him about out marriage if I should bring this situation up as another reason as to why I am unhappy?
Also I am aware that he may say something to Jack and Jill but to be honest I don't think they would care.

So my question really was should I bring this up when I speak to him about how unhappy I am. Or would I look stupid as it was so long ago?

Jack and Jill were telling you in not so many words, they think he is an asshole, and you could do better. They know better than anyone on here how he acts. I wouldn't bring it up, I would reassess your marriage and go from there. Once you open your eyes up you will probably start to see that his behavior isn't really that normal.

I left a bad EA abusive relationship last Feb. I can only now see, when I have dealings with him quite how bizarre his behavior is towards me. He would blow hot and cold, shout, put me down, accuse me of stuff. I got so blind I couldn't see what was right in front of my nose. I confided in a few friends and one good friend told me that a mutual acquaintance of ours had said he thought my Ex was a bully. It wasn't the exact moment that made my decision but it got me thinking.

How is your relationship day to day? Are you happy? Do you think he is/ can be an arse?

Are these the only two issues? He hit on your friend and he made fun of your illness ?

To be fair the first one would be a game changer for me. But you must be unhappy in your marriage for more than this, or is it all good? It seems your friends were trying to tell you something.

What do you expect to happen/him to say if you bring it up? Whatever he says in response isn't as important as the fact that he said it. Do your friends have other reasons to drop H right in it.They sound very angry with him, just for this, or other things as well?