I've read lots of the threads here and, whilst sorry that so many people seem to be in parallel situations to mine, feel comforted that perhaps I might find some understanding here. Hardly know where to start though. I feel so confused about my feelings towards DH. Don't know where things started to go wrong, even. He's 10 years older than me and we've been married 4 years, with 2 young children. He was married before but it ended when he left his wife for another woman (not me) and after that experience swore he'd never do anything like that again.
Before we had children, the millions of things that irritate me about him now never even occurred to me. But it seems true that it's the little things that break people up.
For ages, our sex life was crap as I wanted it a lot and he never did. He always had an excuse, like stress at work, tiredness,etc, but I felt it was stretching it to expect me to believe that all the time, and eventually ended up feeling unwanted. I am still young (in my 20s) and I try to keep myself looking OK for him, so this really hurt. Someone else, who I found incredibly sexy, started paying me attention and I had a very short fling a year ago. DH found my mobile bill and there followed a horrible episode. We went to Relate at the time and it seemed to help a bit, but I felt it was all about what I had done, and not enough about WHY I had done it. ANyway we agreed to put it behind us and try and make a go of it. Quite quickly after that I got PG (accident), agonised over what to do about it, decided we were going to stay together and so now we have a small baby and a toddler. Sex life went off again while PG.
Since baby was born, we have had a few really bad rows where DH brings up what happened last year as a sort of trump card to shut me up whenever he knows he's in the wrong and wants to put me in my place. It feels like my whole pregnancy was a sort of limbo, and suddenly we're back to where we were a year ago.
I don't fancy him at all as he's put on so much weight over the last few years. I've broached it with him and he joined a gym last year and never went once. He eats whatever he wants, whenever, and complains I don't want sex but I just don't fancy him and can;t believe that while I'm trying to get back to "normal" after the baby, he cares so little about what I think of his appearance that he can't even TRY and lose a stone or so. I realise he is unhappy too and the eating is a sign of his depression, but it feels to me like he thinks I should make all the effort while he can just adopt a "take me or leave me" attitude.
The way he brings up my fling reminds me of a really awful time for us, and although I don;t expect him to have forgotten it, surely if you WANT to move on, you don't keep bringing something up?
There are so many other irritations between us - the way he argues with me in front of the children (I try and remain silent but he keeps on niggling and niggling, even when I say "Not in front of the children", the fact he spends all weekend sitting in front of TV with DS instead of doing active things, like I'd like him to. We discuss these things and he agrees to do things differently, then carries on the same.
We've got to a point where some days I think, I don't know if I love you any more. Then other days it seems the issues are so minor and require such minimal changes from both sides, I don't know why he won't make a few changes.
I have booked a session with Relate for tomorrow and am going alone as we haven;t been able to find a babysitter. I have no idea what I want from this. Can we resolve things? Or is this dead? Do other people really stay in this state of dull resentment for years, just "for the sake of the children"? On the other hand, he;s essentially a good man and I couldn't bear to separate our children from their dad.
Don['t know what I want anyone to say really, but I'm just feeling really low and lonely and don't know which way to go at all.