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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unreasonable

28 replies

luxed · 11/01/2018 11:43

We moved 40 miles 2 years ago so that DH could be closer to work, he couldn't stand the 50min drive anymore so we made sacrifices, he now drives 20 min to work.

A couple of times a month he has to travel for work, it's normally just a day visit and an hour and a half each way. He once drove from the top of the UK to the bottom and back the next day! Occasionally he goes abroad and drives just over 2hrs to the airport.

My problem is he does this traveling for work but refuses to travel any further than an hour with us. It feels unfair that he will put himself out for work but not for us. I want to go on holiday but it's very restricted because of the distance he's willing to drive. He doesn't want to drive 2 and a half hours after being on holiday. Is it just me or is this weird? (I don't drive)

OP posts:
shoeaddict83 · 11/01/2018 12:00

is it an obligation to travel for work eg. if he didnt he would not be able to to do his job and could therefore lose it? If so it isnt that he 'puts himself out' for work, its just a part of his job!

In that case i can kind of understand hes probably sick of driving and travelling and in his own time just doesn't want to. My FH used to drive all over the country as part of his job and at weekends the last thing he wanted to do was get in a car again.

Can you not drive and share the burden of it? Or does it always have to be DP that drives? My parents live 3hrs from us and i know when we visit them one of us drives there and the other back so the driving isnt all on one person.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/01/2018 12:11

Couldn't handle a 50 min drive to work? Flipping heck, that's not really very much (my current daily commute and it's fine).

Is there any reason why you couldn't do the driving to the airport and/or on holiday?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 11/01/2018 12:14

I can't understand why you moved 40 miles away when his commute was 50 minutes long. That's nothing! And then to only save half an hour - how is that even possible?

Quartz2208 · 11/01/2018 12:19

So he literally will not go more than an hour away for a holiday (no flying/trains etc) that sounds very restrictive

DiplomaticDecorum · 11/01/2018 12:21

Why don't people read the OP?? The OP doesn't drive, and 40 miles saves 30 minutes of driving, so an hour every day. It's not difficult!!

And to answer the OP, it's easier on your own, almost quite relaxing if you don't have to be anywhere at a set time. I can drive all day every day on my own, but add the youngest (ds 10) and a 2.5 hour drive is long!

Driving back from the airport (we're almost 3 hours away) after a long haul flight is a killer.

shoeaddict83 · 11/01/2018 14:10

i didnt see the last bit in brackets apologies OP.

Still stand by what i said though that for his job it could be a necessity rather than him 'putting himself out' to do it, and its different then having to get in the car again at weekends.

Could you learn to drive at all or is this not an option?

MikeUniformMike · 11/01/2018 14:17

HINBU. Is there any reason why you can't learn to drive OP?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/01/2018 14:22

Why don't people read the OP?? The OP doesn't drive

She could learn...

Angelf1sh · 11/01/2018 14:23

Get a train. Job done.

SlowlyShrinking · 11/01/2018 14:25

Learnto drive, op!
I think your husband is being unreasonable to refuse to drive further to go on holiday though. Learn to drive and go on holiday without him

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 11/01/2018 14:28

I don't think you're your DH is being unreasonable

If the nearest airport is beyond an hour away and not easily accessible by train then I'm afraid I think YABU for not learning to drive (unless there are specific reasons why you can't which you didn't mention in your OP)

hellsbellsmelons · 11/01/2018 15:22

Could you learn to drive OP?
I don't know your circumstances so can't comment on that bit.
I'd feel the same as you though.
That's just weird.
So you don't go on holiday because he won't drive to the airport!?
Are you happy where you are?
I can't believe this is the only thing he is weird with.
Do you have family and friends that you visit, visit you etc...?

SandyY2K · 11/01/2018 17:25

A 50 minute drive to work isn't a big deal to me. I did it for years..and on the M25.... but if your DH moved home because of it...then it's no surprise he isnt keen on driving for a holiday.

You need to find alternative ways...such as train/coach then local care hire.

SandyY2K · 11/01/2018 17:26

local car hire.

user1493413286 · 11/01/2018 18:22

I’m guessing that if you had to move because of a 50 minute drive then maybe he finds driving very stressful or anxiety provoking?
If that’s the case then I can understand him not wanting that when he goes on holiday. I don’t see that it has to stop you going on holiday though; just alter so that you’re using public transport.
Also could you learn to drive?

FitBitFanClub · 11/01/2018 18:36

Sorry, but I think he sounds a bit of a wimp. I can sort of see why he'd prefer a shorter commute, but refusing to drive to/from the airport? That's just pathetic.
Anyway, couldn't you get a taxi? Once you've factored in petrol and parking fees, there's not that much in it.

Oh, and yes. Learn to drive.

category12 · 11/01/2018 19:01

Learn to drive.

Quartz2208 · 11/01/2018 19:51

As someone was has tried and very much failed to learn how to drive, learning how to drive is not going to solve anything.

Plus I suspect he would still put barriers up, taxis, trains etc all of which could facilitate a holiday have not been looked at. He does not seem to have driving anxiety when he does it for work

category12 · 11/01/2018 20:00

"learning how to drive is not going to solve anything"

It would solve all the responsibility for driving being on the op's partner. It would give her the opportunity to drive 2 and a half hours herself, with or without him.

Quartz2208 · 11/01/2018 20:06

but that implies driving is the actual issue my feeling would be given that there are options without him driving that it is a smokescreen. Lets face it she already said she made sacrifices so his commute to be cut down

and as I have said learning to drive is not as simple and straightforward for everyone

category12 · 11/01/2018 20:11

I'd agree there's something odd going on, but presumably he won't explain himself. If she is able to learn, then it gives her the independence to circumvent him and then some explanation is going to come out.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 11/01/2018 20:13

You're making lots of assumptions Quartz, the OP only says that he is not prepared to drive 2+ hours from the airport after a holiday. I'm not sure how you have jumped straight from that to the idea that he will put up other barriers to taxis, trains etc, we don't know what other options the OP as suggested/explored

Agree it is annoying for the OP but he is the one being expected to drive and if he doesn't want to then he isn't being unreasonable to say no. As others have said there are plenty of other methods for getting to an airport.

Original poster
luxed · 11/01/2018 20:45

No I'm not happy, everyone else is so I just put up with it. I can't drive because of a medical condition. I find DH very selfish and selective. He's very hard to pin down unless it's work related. I'm a bit pissed of with his attitude at the moment.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 11/01/2018 21:15

"I can't drive because of a medical condition"

Dripfeed of the year.

Quartz2208 · 11/01/2018 21:18

because surely if he was open to other options there would be no need to post.

We lived 2 hours from an airport when I was younger. My Dad cant drive (medical) and my Mum hates driving longer than an hour - we still went on lots of holidays because there are lots of other options so it was never an issue

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