Do you have parents who don't speak to each other or engage with each other at all?

[ferriswheel]

I am currently, after an abusive marriage, going through a pretty grim divorce.

It is quite strange for me, I had a very happy childhood and my parents are still very much in love.

What is it like, will it be like for my children? They are aged 5 and under.

Can anyone give me any advice on how to make it easier for them?

I put on a show of being friendly when they see their father but I know I will never be more than that. And, in particular, after recent events I won't ever allow him back into our home or put on a front and sit next to him for school concerts or whatever again.

@ferriswheel

It's shit isn't it. I'm separated, STBXH ran off (literally) with the OW and is vile to me. Won't speak to me about the kids. I'll be watching this thread with interest. 😔

They will be fine. If I hadn't left mine my daughter would have had a miserable life with parents who didn't talk or laugh or agree on anything. Now, I'm happy and calm and she gets the best bits of her dad.

My parents spoke for the first time in 25 years at my wedding 6 years ago. Weirdly they're now Facebook friends after hating each other forever

My parents don't speak. Neither of them visits my house without calling to check that the other isn't there. Most of the time it isn't an issue; problems only arise when there's an event that I want them both to attend. There were enough people at my wedding for them to be able to ignore each other but at smaller events (e.g. Christmas or birthday) I have to choose which one to invite, which is awful for me. I wish they'd at least be civil to each other so I could have them both present at family occasions.

Bella

So, if you don't mind me asking, do you know why they don't speak? Do you see fault in one or the other of them?

I guess I feel that in order for my own self preservation I just couldn't allow myself to drop the barrier that protects me from him? I don't know. I find it all a bit confusing.

It’s can be awful for children if adults can’t put aside their differences and be civil. It was awful for me and my sisters. My father had an affair and my mother, quite rightly threw him out. He had a bad temper too so I don’t blame her at all for getting rid. But we were used to punish him, not allowed to visit him because the OW would be there (they lived together), he wasn’t allowed back in the family home. He had no money to take us on days out or even meals out - instead he used to take us to McDonalds and we’d share a happy meal in the car park. Then even that didn’t happen. I’m the eldest and I was 11 - I felt so anxious and stressed about it. They’d both rant to us about how awful the other was. No matter what has happened, children don’t want to hear that about their parents.
Now I have children of my own I find it really hard to understand how they thought it was OK to behave like that - they were so bitter and couldn’t see past their own pain. Strangely, like a pp, it took my wedding to make them talk and it’s much better now. But I’m in my thirties now and able to cope / detach from it. Back then I was trapped in it and it’s hard not to judge or feel sorry for my younger self and sisters.

OP, I know you’re asking because you’re anxious to make sure your children are OK. I don’t want to make you feel bad - I know you won’t have got to this point easily or happily - but it is really hard for some children and I wanted to offer my perspective. Good luck to you and yours

Thank you Happy.

I have a very good solicitor who has taught me well and coached me throigh it all. None of that using the children as a weapon has happened. But my eldest invited him back to our home and i diverted the situation so it couldn't happen. It made me think about the future i guess.

I have been divorced from my ex for about 25 years now, and if you can try not to be bitter it does help and the situation can improve with time. My DC were 8 and 9 at the time and I tried very hard never to say anything nasty about their Dad - he is the only one they have. As they grew older, they understood more about what had happened, although I have never told them the whole story. They still think the world of him - he has shortcomings as a Dad, but they love him and I can live with that. I believe that the person who is most damaged by bitterness is the person who is bitter. I was grateful that, after repeated unfaithfulness, I was no longer reliant on my EX for my emotional welfare and although I did not ask him into the house, if the children asked him in I would treat him like any other visitor but keep him in the hallway. Now we have a cordial though fairly formal relationship - I love his family and as I have few relations myself, I have kept in touch with his, both for my own sake and of course for the children. You will find that your anger and hurt will fade with time if you can allow yourself do it. I know that everyone's experience is different, but it worked for me and my children I think. Divorce is very difficult for children - if you can help them in anyway it will help you too.

My dad and biological mother were in the same corner shop on numerous occasions, in the same queue to pay and would ignore each other. My mother didn't exist to my father for five years, didn't bother me one bit. There was no nastiness :) when there's fighting and cruelty it affects children, peace and civility is ideal but if one person is a wanker and won't be civil even for the kids you need to drop them like a bad smell.

Stillamum

Yes. Thats exactly what i think. Im so much stronger now i dont rely on him for my emotional welfare.

The pain has definitely begin to fade already. I just look forward to the divorce being finalised.

Look forward to the future and keep your children front and centre of all you do. I was fortunate and found a sweet, faithful man who loves my children and who they also respect and love and who is still with me. However, even if you don't, not having to deal with the awful ups and downs of living with a philanderer is worth it. Good luck and happiness for the future.