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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Clingy and needy friends and family really annoy me

20 replies

MiaHayek · 10/01/2018 16:20

I'm still getting over Xmas which as usual included my extremely needy mother in law.

My brother and sister are both the kind of people who can't stand being on their own in their flats. They get themselves into relationships with people they don't really love just because they can't bear to be alone and 'unoccupied'. Then they have to dump these people and there's even more drama and tears. Their behaviour is selfish and I tell them so. They don't care, they just need to spend their evenings after work with someone they can talk to and have sex with. I think their behaviour verges on the sociopathic.

I relish my alone time. I love a silent flat.

Then I have 2 friends who don't know each other who both came out of a long term relationships exactly 2 years ago. I was there for both of them when the break ups happened even though we were out of touch for many years. I helped one move home, clear out relationship clutter, held her while she cried for hours looking at items they'd bought together etc etc. Yet now 2 years on they still both want to talk to me for hours on end about what went wrong. I lost my patience with one friend when I told her that we had already discussed said bloke and said incident for many many hours.

I regularly get texts from brother, sister and these 2 friends where they basically write 'tell me something that will cheer me up' to 'I'm feeling very down can I come over' etc I have 2 jobs and hardly any time to myself and i need alone time to recalibrate. Doesn't anyone else?

When I got dumped by my fiance (we'd been together for 10 years) I was in so much emotional pain that I thought I would have a nervous breakdown. I didn't tell a soul about the depths of my depression, except once I cried for 1/2 an hour during a lunch break when I told a friend about the break up over a latte. I grieved alone and in silence. I had no need to talk about it for hours. What good would it have done? Relationship is over. No amount of chatting will bring it back nor heal the pain. I eventually moved on after 2 years of involuntary celibacy. I didn't join dating sites nor feel the need to see a different friend every night of the week.

Why are there people who need to analyse everything with you? After having a 2 hour phone chat with one friend (about her break up again) I finally managed to say that I needed to go (my ear was burning!) and she said 'When can I come over so we can sit on the couch for a few hours and talk properly about this?' WTFFF!!

OP posts:
Offred · 10/01/2018 16:27

I think you will find your way of doing things is the weird way (your brother and sister excepted - they sound very wrong) and that actually your way is quite extreme and can be quite unhealthy.

I say that as someone who comes with things by preference in the way that you do BTW.

I don’t get annoyed with supporting friends though because I put boundaries in re what I am and am not willing to do and because I understand that this way of seeking support and contact with supportive people is a normal and healthy way to deal with sad things.

Offred · 10/01/2018 16:27

*copes

yetmorecrap · 10/01/2018 16:30

If its any consolation OP, I feel the same. It all seems like a bad episode of Eastenders to me. I have accepted there are some people who dont feel 'alive' unless they have endless drama going on in life. I had a friend like this many years ago, the minute life got a bit settled and mundane but there was no major crisis , she would make damn sure she created some drama, be it changing locks, walking out-- anything really. I realised after a while that she just thrived on being a drama llama as it gave her something to talk about.

yetmorecrap · 10/01/2018 16:33

If I can say too that doesnt mean you cant support people at times of trouble, however it does have its limits, especially with people who seem to constantly need attention/support, otherwise it will drive you nuts. In the case of the friend I mentioned, it was all a bit one way traffic too.

DancesWithOtters · 10/01/2018 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rudgie47 · 10/01/2018 17:11

Everybody is different OP, some people need a lot more support including talking through things many times than others.
If you cant do it then you need to tell them and suggest counselling or that they seek help/support from their family and or other friends.

2rebecca · 10/01/2018 17:16

Do you need different friends? If I had a friend who regularly expected long phone conversations I expect the friendship wouldn't last. I don't think I've ever been on the phone for over an hour with anyone and most phone calls are under 30 minutes. I just don't have time for a 2h phone call and dislike phone calls.
Find some friends who are more like you and who want proper conversations not just to regale you with long weepy monologues.

bluddyknackered · 10/01/2018 17:22

Is this not the classic difference between introverts and extroverts? To Introverts need peace and alone-time rather than lots of people chatting, whereas extroverts find that draining, and vice-versa. Neither is 'wrong' - it's just a different way of recharging yourself.

pallasathena · 10/01/2018 17:25

Totally get where you're coming from OP.
All my life I've had friends like this and I am now so, so cheesed off with all the repetitive and constant mini - dramas that I've started screening phone calls and ignoring some texts/emails. Not like me...
Like you, I just want normal, easy going friendships that add value not drama and the endless analysing of the current squeeze's behaviour.
Its bloody enervating....

MiaHayek · 10/01/2018 17:29

yetmorecrap lol the drama llamas, I've got a friend who's like that too. On the positive side she is a lot of fun to go out with but then you have to listen to pointless dramas that she creates with any man who gets close to her

OP posts:
GuntyMcGee · 10/01/2018 18:02

The issue isn't that they need to talk about it, it's the fact that they have to talk about it ALL THE TIME. It's incredibly self absorbed and utterly boring for the poor sod who has to listen to the same old shite over and over and over again.

And never seem to learn - slide right back in to the same old behaviour as soon as they get into a relationship, which, predictably ends in the same way and you're back to square one with the wailing and attention seeking.

It's exhausting

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 12/01/2018 09:27

I'm like you OP - I've been through some awful times but I prefer to grieve and to process things alone. It's not weird at all.
I'm also empathetic and very willing to support people through a crisis but there have to be boundaries. You cannot be a crutch to everyone all the time.

Branleuse · 12/01/2018 09:38

i need to talk to process things and i wear my heart on my sleeve. I rely on my friends and family. It sounds like youre incompatible with your friends. Neither of you are wrong

redexpat · 12/01/2018 09:41

We all have limits, it's ok to say I can see that this is still an issue for you, but I cannot listen to you anymore. Please find someone else to do this.

Ragwort · 12/01/2018 09:48

I am the same as you, I find some people totally self centered and positively enjoy going over and over the same thing. It is totally boring to have to listen to someone over analysing their relationship and their behaviour - I feel like screaming 'get off your backside, go and do some volunteering' - of course I don't but it does make me wonder if people would be happier if they could just do something instead of thinking that being with someone in a relationship is the be all and end all of life.

And why do people find it so hard to be on their own - I have a friend who has an incredibly busy, high powered career, four children, elderly parents, hectic social life but if she is 'on her own' (even with children in the house Confused) she can't bear it and has to organise another activity. I find her pace of life overwhelmingly hectic.

I work part time, DC (teenagers) at school but I spend a lot of time just pottering around doing nothing in particular - but I really cherish my time alone.

Olddear · 12/01/2018 09:58

I'm with you OP.

PinkChestnut · 12/01/2018 10:48

I'm same as you op

Joysmum · 12/01/2018 10:48

The issue isn't that they need to talk about it, it's the fact that they have to talk about it ALL THE TIME

The issue isn’t that they need to talk about it all the time. I’m sure in life there’s other things going on and it’s not the only topic of conversation with everyone!

The issue is that for some reason, you are the one they feel most comfortable to be able to chat through what they are struggling with. It that doesn’t suit you then you withdraw to a place where they don’t want to share their troubles with you, or you don’t see them at all.

madcatwoman61 · 12/01/2018 12:12

People are different. Some of us work through things by talking them out, some internalise things and withdraw. Neither is wrong although talking things out can drive your friends mad, and internalising can drive you mad. I think you need to set boundaries and be clear about them, and encourage your externalising friends and family to look elsewhere for an audience

weetabix07 · 12/01/2018 12:57

OP I totally hear you. I'm one of these folk who just get on with things and doesn't like burdening others with my shit. It may not be the healthiest way to be but I've always been like that.

I find it annoying when you get people who seem to only want to contact you for some sort of counselling service as and when it suits them. I give these people a wide berth - I don't have the energy.

I must come across as quite horrible now but that's not my intention. I just find people exhausting most the time.

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