Should I trust him?

[reckle55]

My husband was married before. We both were, but the thing is during his separation while we were dating his ex alleges they slept together one time when he was over visiting his children. She's said a lot of crazy things over the years that turned out to be lies but is hanging on to this and it's quite frankly putting a strain on our marriage. I don't know who to believe. I thought I knew him so well but this scenario she describes is the polar opposite of anything he has shared with me in the past. Without going into intimate details if the sex was like that on that day (if it even happened) it is so alien to him. He confesses that their love life while not always distant in the beginning never passionate. By contrast her description is the epitome of romance. Also, we were on a video call at the time she says it happened. He was away from home so we would stay on for hours. Who should I believe? I was pregnant with our DD at the time and now pregnant again. The allegation came out when she discovered I was pregnant.

From the scenario you have described it sounds like a fabrication, but what is your relationship like generally? Have you had cause to doubt him in the past? Is he likely to minimise stuff that he doesn't want you to know about?

Go with your gut.

From what you describe I'd say she is lying.
You get pregnant and things look more permanent and then she's suddenly had sex with him.
She's done this to put a strain on your marriage.
Which is exactly what is happening.
Win / win for her.
lose / lose for you and your DH.

What does your DH say when you ask him about it?

He denies it vehemently. What puzzles him is why she would say it in the first place. Can't fathom it. Why did she wait 7 months to say it? I go round and round in circles with it but can't process why now our dd is 10 months old she still won't drop it. Feel like I'm going mad. I mean when we got married she fabricated lots of things but this I can't shake.

Sometimes my DH is too honest. Our relationship was strong before this. Chances are if it happened he'd just say. I don't know why I'm hitting a stumbling block. I personally don't get the mentality. Even if it did happen why share? He clearly made a choice to continue a new life. Out with the old in with the new.

I should say she says they stopped sleeping together when he discovered I was pregnant. He knew straight away. There was no waiting 12 weeks to tell him. This has gone from they were still sleeping together frequently to a one off. Other times she's alleged this happened couldn't have happened so she's backed down. This one she won't. Why would a person say such a thing? Did she think they would get back together but then he met me?

quite frankly putting a strain on our marriage
^^ THIS is why she said it.
You even say She's said a lot of crazy things over the years that turned out to be lies
So why are you dwelling on this?
You know deep down it didn't happen.
You need to trust him.
And you certainly should NOT trust her.
Stop sabotaging your marriage with her ramblings and lies.
Could you have some counselling to understand why you are so hung up on this?
Just read your OP again.
As if someone else wrote it. What would you tell them?
It didn't happen!

If you were on a video call to him when it was supposed to have happened why are you doubting what he says?

Does she know this particular accusation has got under your skin so much? Maybe that's the reason she's holding on to it. Sounds like with other accusations you've not reacted or fed the fire so she's dropped it or been caught out lying. If you believe nothing happened stop giving it head space and mulling it over.

If you were on a video call to him when it was supposed to have happened why are you doubting what he says?

Exactly what I was going to ask!

Yes, she does know I reacted to this whereas I never gave the others air time. I don't know why if we were on a video call at the time she said I'm doubting him. It's probably because she messed around with the date so much until she settled on it (3rd/4th/5th) and a part of me (the chicken I am) that she's perhaps just got the time wrong.

Worst case scenario, it's true. What then?

I would say it's very easy to do that with an ex in familiar surroundings as a one-off and it might have been pretty meaningless.

So what interactions do you have with her regarding this? Does she text you? do you see each other?

She texts me and him, but no face to face interactions. So if it was meaningless why not say yes it happened and move on? Yes, it's easy but if you were aware of the history and the reasons for separation in the first instance it doesn't seem likely. That said it's never happened with my ex.

Why does she text you?
Can't you just block her?
When with my more recent ExP I can't imagine having any contact with his Ex.
Absolutely no need for it.
It may be different for you though?

Another vote for block the crazy bitch. Don't let this bitter old bag ruin your relationship. Move on.

Yes blocked but sadly we have to liase with her because of my step children. I do question the sanity of someone who would do this. I'm trying not to mull over it but in some ways she was almost convincing even though she said it happened at a time we were on a call and then he left to stay at a hotel (it's video so I knew he was in his hotel room). In spite of this I feel anxious yet if it was my friend I'd be saying 'don't give it any consideration, she's stirring'. It's completely messed with my mind.