Hello all - first time poster here. Long winded one so please bear with me. So about two years ago I had an emotional affair. It grew slowly and unexpectedly and certainly wasn't planned. At the time I had been going through some difficulties in my marriage and I suppose this made me more susceptible to allowing myself to fall into the EA. At first it was just common pursuits, spending more and more time on shared interests with the other person but gradually I began to realise that I was developing feelings for him. I slowly shared details of my marital struggle and - on reflection - was probably hoping that his marriage was as rocky as mine though he was always careful never to criticise his OH at first. Sounds like a text book EA right?
Gradually he began to hint that things weren't all rosy in his marriage and we'd end up walking for miles together just talking about everything except our marriages but both looking forward to the time we had together, without ever saying so. We didn't confess our feelings to each other until late in the EA and even then both agreed that in order to not damage our families we wouldn't act on our feelings. We mutually agreed that it was a hopeless situation - he'd never leave his family or cause hurt to his kids or wife. I knew my marriage was ending - too much distance between us and we'd lost our connection and neither of us had the desire to reconnect. Gradually we were both able to dampen the our feelings and put some distance between us. The walks and coffees stopped, we saw less and less of each other though we still texted each other a lot, every day.
I know I am opening myself up for a flaming here but there were so many factors that combined to create the situation - some of my own making others that came about through how life happens day to day. I know the buzz of attention from someone else is massive and also possibly a false pleasure and in a way I know that maybe some element of this for him was an ego boost but the feelings felt strong and intense. There was one moment where we almost crossed the line but it just seemed to be destructive so we backed off and tried to rationalise the feelings.
In time I suppose he worked on his marriage and was able to fix the issues that had caused him to engage in the EA. Two years later I suppose this is why I still find it hard. I see his family holiday snaps and they show a perfect happy loving family. I look at him and remember the struggles in his marriage that he confessed to me and I see the hugs and the smiles and it still tears at me. At the time of the EA we agreed that we needed to just extinguish our feelings and concentrate on the friendship that we had develop before we 'fell for each other'. I think one of the reasons why we didn't take things further was that we decided a lasting friendship of sorts was better than going too far and wrecking everything. To this day his wife doesn't know anything about the EA. She is totally oblivious and clearly adores him. My husband found out and it was a catalyst for the end of our marriage among other things. I understand that finding out your OH has feelings for someone else, even if not acted upon, is as bad as physical betrayal.
I also sometimes think that I was an ego boost for him when he was bored. We continued our text relationship - nothing more than idle chit chat - and saw each other occasionally (but not for the walks we used to enjoy, just in passing when our hobby brought us together in the same place) but I guess that was still some kind of contact. You might say that should have been shut down too but we wanted to shift that relationship into friendship and just work at scrubbing away the attraction part. I think for him he was able to do that - mending his marriage meant that he had a renewed connection with his wife. For me I didn't have that and still found myself craving his attention almost to feel wanted by him (even though I knew I was probably just a distraction when he was bored or if he was feeling slightly neglected - his wife works away a lot)
I apologise for the long winded post. I suppose I'm trying to find out how I can handle the feelings that still bubble up when I see pictures of him on social media or just reflect on the past. It's almost like I'm mourning something that felt so right (we were well matched in so many ways) but just can't let go of. It's like I've missed an opportunity, even though I know that opportunity was purely selfish and would have damaged our families. He seems to have been able to rationalise his feelings, put our connection back on the platonic and slip back into a happy marriage as if nothing ever happened between us.
I fluctuate. Some days I forget all about him, other days the feelings are still so real and raw and intense. I don't want to cut off contact because I value his friendship - idle talk and gossip and everyday junk chat - and I feel like it's already been agreed that that is what we want and can have. Maybe I can't cut him off completely as that small glimmer of contact via text makes me feels like there's still something there from him? It's like we were friends, who fell into attraction and then went back to friends again. He seems more able to do that. I am no longer with my husband so I guess part of this is that there is no one else and nowhere else to go with these feelings that keep rising to the surface.
I'm wondering if anyone else has felt this or gone through this?