First couples counselling session tonight

[Bub3017]

This day last month I found out my partner of 11 years had cheated on me with a woman who lives 5 hours from us. He had been talking to her daily after meeting her in a bar in his home town, later meeting her for a night to have sex. I made the decision to try and forgive him and to try and rebuild our relationship as I don't want to give up on us until we at least try amd he claims he wants the same. We also have two kids but thats not my reason to try again it's because I still love him and this has made me realise that. So tonight we will attend our first couples counselling session and I was wondering if anyone knows what I should expect?

I don't have any experience of this but wanted to wish you well. Just look out for signs he is minimising what he has done and not taking full responsibility for it or you can't really move on.

Thank you! He isn't minimising it thankfully but he is struggling with what he has done and the hurt and pain and overall destruction that his actions have caused to not only me but our children and families. I am hoping things get easier and we can work together to become a family unit again. Wishful thinking maybe but I don't want to give up without a fight as I don't want any regrets.

I found it beneficial to begin with, although things will come out during the session that perhaps you're not prepared for, so expect that. Personally, after the 5th session or so, I got a little fed up as the counsellor expected me to orchestrate many of the changes needed (date nights, talk nights etc) whilst DH was allowed to sit back and forget everything (because that was his personality). I busied myself with more stuff which was the reason we attended in the first place and the counselling homework added to my 'to-do' list making me even more resentful. Some threads on here suggest that relationship counsellors tend to lean towards favouring the man over the woman but I don't know, I only have my own experience to compare to.
Good luck OP, I do hope you find it beneficial, it can be quite a journey as you discover things about each other that you previously weren't aware of. Look after yourself x

Laceyspace - can I ask you what the outcome of your counselling was please? We are due to start soon and I am very anxious about.....

He suggested the counselling as we had had problems before his affair so he recognises that there are areas we need to cover that's not just the affair. As bizarre as this sounds the one thing the affair has done for me is clarify my feelings for him and reassure me that I do actually love him as there was a while I was struggling with my feelings for him. We work at it together and work at the tasks together as I won't be happy if it becomes more one sided towards him.

Firstly I want to say that I really hope that works out for you. I went through a very similar situation back in April and my husband and I have reconciled but it really is still very hard, we've worked through all of our issues with some very difficult discussions and in many ways you could say it's made some aspects of our relationship stronger but what I'm left with is the knowledge that it happened, that he could actually betray me in that way. I don't want to derail your thread just adding in something that I hadn't really factored into my thoughts when I was where you are - no matter how sorry they are and how much you are able to get to the root of your problems - it still happened, they still did what they did and it's a very very difficult thing to accept.

I understand that and I am prepared for it to be hard and for us to have our good days and bad days. But I also have to think that that is not all there is to him, he isn't just the man that cheated on me, he was there for me when my friend passed away, when my gran died. He was there when both our children were born and when I graduated when I have had family rows and the man who makes our children laugh. I want to focus on the good, though I know that will still be there I believe the good/positive things can outweigh everything else. It could be wishful thinking but I need to try for me!

My experience sounds very similar to yours OP. I found it useful to start, very insightful as to how we got to where we were in the relationship. Things to do to improve, homework, date nights etc. But it did nothing to help me get over the infidelity.

In fact in one session the counsellor made reference to the 'silly thing' Mr Flipflaps had done. I went ballistic, I think it was too soon for me and I needed to get over the hurt any anger more. Allso Mr Flips used to quote the Counsellor if we ever had an argument.

That was 3 years ago. I am past the hurt and anger, my self esteem is much improved, we get on well, but not sure I feel the same about him anymore. Bit like Pilchards said, he did it and that still hasnt gone away. Hope you get some help from it.

Do you have individual counselling with a completely separate counsellor ? I highly recommend it, this stuff doesn’t work well without it

That will be our next step to seek individual counselling as well.

We had two sessions, the first counsellor was good but it was really an appointment to jot down what happened, how we ticked, how we were brought up. The second session I did like the new counsellor, it was all talk about running baths for each other and similar things, I didn't feel like she understood.
In hindsight I think I should have counselling on my own first.
It's is now four years on, we stayed together but are really only co parenting in a house together. Our house is going on the market in the spring as I just can't accept what he did and don't think I ever will.
I do hope you can work through it, it is an awful road to tread.

I agree counselling alone more beneficial. What to do next: After the 5th session or so I asked for a refund for the following one as I was feeling just as frustrated as before... if not more so as DH was given an excuse for leaving everything to me. It's 'his personality' this also excused him from derailing our plans to suit himself and doing his own thing. He once began mowing the lawn when we were about to leave the house for a scheduled appointment but this was considered fine too when I mentioned it as it was 'his personality.'
After the counselling DH and I drifted apart for a short time, but suddenly things did alter for the better, more because I think I became stronger and harder with DH rather than because of the counselling.

I think others comments with regard to counselling are good. We both attended IC but same councellor. As others have said, getting to the bottom of the’why’ can be the easy bit as are discussing changes, accepting in your head that someone went as far as this and in many cases didn’t confess or lied and gaslighted You is another matter entirely. How you found out and the circumstances behind whatever happened Can make some outcomes more successful than others.

So we had our first session and I found it helpful; however he didn't find just as helpful as she understood where I coming from and agreed with some of the things that I had said relating to how I was feeling and what I am not getting from him! Going to go again next week and in the mean time continue talking and coming up with ground rules and aspects that we can do to improve things and try to reconnect.

Don't wait around for individual counselling, I know you said its the next step but it should be the first one.
Its the one thing I wish I did even before couple counselling, i can't stress it enough.