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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Family don't like DH - and he knows it

16 replies

sockmonkey · 25/04/2007 20:10

I have been telling DH he is paranoid, but my tactless DBro has just confirmed that most of my family don't like him. They think he treats me badly, that he is lazy, irresponsible and bad with money etc.
He has stormed out very upset and thinks that I have been telling my family that he is no good.
Honestly I love him very much, but I have had the odd moan to the folks about him, but doesn't everyone? I thought that's what families were for. He moans about me to his mum!
I can't help feeling this is all my fault for not praising his good points enough. He does get ratty being unemployed, and having money troubles makes us both very stressed, but him more so. We are together 24/7 which can be a grind sometimes, but other times is lovely.
What can I do? I hate being in the middle. I love my family, but how do you act when you know they hate your partner?

OP posts:

littlelapin · 25/04/2007 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sockmonkey · 25/04/2007 20:21

I just don't undertand why their reaction is so extreme. My DBro said they thought I should divorce him! We have been married almost 8 years and have 2 kids. If I was being treated badly, why would I stay with him for so long?
On the one hand it's nice they care about me, but on the other they are being so thoughtless about DHs feelings.

OP posts:

littlelapin · 25/04/2007 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sockmonkey · 25/04/2007 20:31

I know my dad was not keen on me marrying so young (I was 20)and the fact that he was my first boyfriend. I think he wanted me to play the field a bit IYKWIM.
Honestly I thought they liked him, he has always been very generous with them, but I think things went downhill when we moved away and he quit his job due to ill health, which landed us in financial trouble.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 25/04/2007 20:33

Do they not accept that he was ill? Do they expect him to be the Provider, come what may?

I would have words with your DB about his tactlessness, and find other people to complain about your DH to, tbh.

Original poster

sockmonkey · 25/04/2007 20:45

Their response was that every job is stressful, but stress brings on DHs IBS. He couldn't work in a call centre where you are only allowed so long for toilet breaks, and live in fear of soiling himself. DB says that they think it was irrisponsible of him to quit when he didn't have another job to go to, which I guess is kinda right, but we have soooo learned from that mistake, but it seems the matter is not dropped.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 25/04/2007 20:51

Have you had to borrow money from them because of financial difficulty? If not, you should just say 'snout out' to them, imo.

IBS can be a real 'mare. I think there are some interesting treatments out there these days - I think it's really a cluster of problems, and sometimes is mostly lactose intolerance, etc etc.

Original poster

sockmonkey · 25/04/2007 20:59

we have had to borrow some money. They have helped out with food shopping every now & then.
It's just a further stress that I don't need right now.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 25/04/2007 21:02

Ah, right, it's hard to keep them out of it, if they're involved, financially.

Are you far from stopping needing their help?

Original poster

sockmonkey · 26/04/2007 07:42

sorry for disapearing. Computer died.
Until one of us is working, we will still need help if emergencies come up, and with the occasional food shop.
DH has told me he sent an email to my Dad asking why there is a problem, and wanting to straighten stuff out.
Will let you know when we get a reply.

OP posts:

tigermoth · 26/04/2007 08:03

You seem very secure in your love for your dh. It must be very difficult hearing you own family say these things. Do they know much about IBS? Can you explain to them what action your dh is taking to sort it out and how difficult it is, so they realise he isn't just giving up for ever, and depending on their handouts.

You could also consider talking to one of your familiy alone, to ask them exactly what it is that is making them so negative about your dh. If you get it out in the open (but away from your dh) you can tackle it head on and it might clear the air. Perhaps your family are afraid his situation will never change.

Original poster

sockmonkey · 26/04/2007 08:10

I had a online chat with my dbro, trying to straighten things out. I am due to go up for a visit wit the the boys on mayday bank holiday. i am dreading it a bit to be honest. I don't want this issue to stop the boys seeing the family, but now I know that they bash my DH while we are not there makes me upset with them.

OP posts:

Miaou · 26/04/2007 08:26

oooh sockmonkey I could have written your post! My dh is lovely and I love him to pieces, but my very middle class parents aren't that keen on him because (I think) he is not "providing" for his family. He is very intelligent but suffers from depression and has had difficulty in keeping working over the years. Despite having both been treated for depression they seem to think he should just pull himself together . We too have had to borrow money, and for a while last year things were so bad that we weren't making any repayments, which went down very badly. I asked to borrow money for food once and was refused by my mum (my dad then overruled her).

However they know how strong our relationship is and how happy we are (generally), and now keep their mouths shut about him. But I too had a conversation with my dbro last week where something was said about how the wider family don't like/disapprove of him - and I told him how hurtful this was, that they are effectively saying it about me because they are criticising my choice to stay with him.

Sorry, this is probably no help but just wanted to say you are not alone!

All I can say is, I don't moan about dh to them at all now, so I'm not giving them any excuse, and if any criticism is even suggested then I take it up immediately and come to his defence. I can't make them like him (and I think they do really, they just don't think he has a good "attitude"), but I do my best to make sure they keep their thoughts to themselves.

Original poster

sockmonkey · 26/04/2007 08:35

Thanks miaou. Glad it's not just me.
Will be singing DHs praises on my next visit. I will make sure not to complain about Dh at all from now on.

OP posts:

bubblymummy · 26/04/2007 10:34

Families are entitled to their opinions. However, they shouldn't make him feel bad about himself.

My folks are not too hot on my dh but would never demonstrate this (unlike dh's parents to me!). They wouldn't even lobby me to finish with him. However, if I did have an issue I can 'offload' on them.

If you think they've got a one sided view straighten em out.

lemonstartree · 26/04/2007 19:26

Actually i never, ever critisise my dh to yu mother or bro exacly because I know they couldnt keep a sense of perspective about it. Despite severe temptation not one word or critisism has crossed my lips in 7 years ( to them!)

to my PIL however bothe DH and I have let rip - somehow they absorb it an d recognise that every marriage has ups and downs and that conflict is 'normal' and ok and dosnt mean you really hate each other,,,,,

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