How to get rid of unhelpful/grumpy dp!?

[Ridingshottyshorty]

I'll apologise in advance because I'm probably going to ramble on here, I'm quite upset and I need some advice from you wonderful lot, please!

I've been with dp for 4 years, we have a 1 year old dd together, but things are on the rocks because I find dp lacks initiative around the house and with childcare. He isn't confident doing things for dd on his own so I'm always involved in some capacity, he is very mess, rather lazy (think sleeping until 1 today even though I practically begged him last night to do the morning routine!), and also regularly grumpy! It's begun to feel like I'm just going through his days off working waiting to be criticised on my cleaning, my driving (I drive him everywhere and pick him up. Even to work!) , he'll even pick faults with points I make during general chit-chat!

I've tried to encourage dp to take more initiative with dd or around the house, but 90% of the time he'll ask for my help or get grumpy ect regardless

Im only 25, this is not how I thought things would turn out for me! Last week dp chucked a plate across the room and blamed it on me, he was angry I'd thrown out a moody dish spounge! I grew up with aggressive alcholic parents and it brought up awful memories for me, but dp wouldn't even promise never to throw crockery again, in fact he said "no one gives a shit what gets thrown in your direction, fuck sake idiot" I think that's when I finally gave up on this relationship. I'm exhausted and on edge all the time and I feel like I'm never properly heard out by dp. I've asked him multiple times to leave our home, but he refuses and even laughs at me. I've come over to my mums with dd today to get out of dps way but with dms drinking I'm finding today extremely difficult and frustrating!

I'm so sorry for rambling, I'm just a pathetic idiot with no one reliable in real life to turn to, but I would really appreciate mn advice on how to start and follow through on leaving dp when I need to stay in my home, but he refuses to leave it!! I'm in tears i'm so bloody daft, sorry for anyone who's read that drivel

Sounds really awful. That comment about throwing things at you is so disrespectful. What's the position with the house eg joint owned, rented?

It's not drivel. It's the start of your freedom.

Do you rent or own?
Who's name/s is it in?

It will all work out in the end.

Sorry to hear about this OP I really am but this man is abusive and will only get worse. Your only choice really is to plan your departure.
Trust me he will never improve, he has no respect for you and doesn't care enough about your child to take care of her properly.
I think you would be so much happier alone. I was a single mum for years and it was fine.
The relief you feel when you leave someone like this is immense.
just take care to pick a better one in future, this pattern does not have to repeat istelf. You are worth more than this.
I hope it all goes well for you

Abuse often starts during pregnancy or after children are born, you aren't an idiot for not spotting it before.

You shouldn't be putting up with it now, you need to plan your exit. Which is a darn site easier to say than do. Good luck.

Neither your parents nor this man are at all reliable and it may be that you have simply repeated what you learnt about relationships when growing up. He is abusive in nature, chucking plates is an example of domestic violence and your child and you need to get away from him. Your current relationship is certainly no example to be showing your DD and you rightly do not want this for her to become her normal.

You are NOT a pathetic idiot however, no no and no again. Just a person who needs some help and support. You will find that here as well. You in the longer term need to raise your relationship bar a lot higher and to that end the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid could be also helpful to you.

You mention "DP" so I guess you are not married to this individual.
What is the situation also re the property; are you named on a mortgage or is the place jointly rented?. You mention "your home"; is it solely yours?.

I would contact both Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and the Rights of Women organisation rightsofwomen.org.uk/ as they can help you further.

Al-anon can support you re your parents alcoholism; again this is not your fault either. They taught you an awful lot of damaging crap about relationships.

Oh my goodness, these replys are so kind and clever, Im crying like a child. With my mum being an alcoholic and unwell all my life I feel like this calm, kind, balanced advice is something I've never had much of so thank you ladies!

The house is rented and all bills are under my name and go through my bank account (dp says he hates direct debits!) it's complex though because our landlord is dps dads bestfriend, and then dps mum very kindly offered to pay the deposit (£600) as a gift to us. At the time he was lazy and somewhat uninterested in dd, but I was giving him a free pass blaming his job ect. Anyway, if I bring up him leaving now he retorts that I wouldn't have a home without HIS friends and HIS mother, and I couldn't afford the bills alone. He will also insinuate that I don't really want him to move out and that I'm too flustered so what would I know ect in reality we would struggle somewhat, but I'm have a degree so it's not like I'm thick or unemployable!

Dd and I are still at dms, but I so badly want to go home and get
Comfy in my home with dd and the dog. I'm finding it hard to hold strong but I don't want to go back just because of a lovely house!

He just phone me to say "is your mum not drinking and doing your head in? You not coming home? Fuck sake." Then hung up on me... Today has been a blur, I don't know what to do. I'm feeling overwhelmed. All I want is a nice calm place to spend the evening with my lovely dd - poor darling being stuck with me today

What does he contribute financially at the moment. Can you manage without it?

Your partner is emotional abusive. Start by learning about emotional abuse and why it is so important for you and your dc to leave. Read Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that?” And register for the Freedom Programme. You can complete it online. Start making private plans for how you will leave. Don’t tell him. It’s now all about you and your dc. If you choose to stay with him know that your dc will grow up thinking emotional abuse is normal and will be drawn to an abusive partner just as you have been.

Is him not driving temporary? Or have you always driven him everywhere. I can understand why you're so frustrated. Not just because of the not driving.

What does he bring to your life?

He’s abusive, he won’t get better, he’ll get worse. Get out while you can.

Given your housing situation, it's unlikely you'd be successful in getting him to move out. Best start making plans to move out yourself. The price of staying put is abuse and a very toxic environment for your DD.

The truth is you made the mistake that so many women make (myself included) and that's not accepting him for who he was and expecting him to suddenly become someone else.

You are not pathetic. He is. Please don't live like this.

And as PP mentioned Woman's Aid etc. for help and advice. Possibly also Citizens Advice Bureau re. rental agreements etc

There aee ways that you can get your oen place so don't feel as if you have to stay.

It is definitely better being single than with an abusive partner.Your lovely daughter needs to know that his behaviour isn't normal.

Please talk to womens aid or cab to get information.

OP I found your posts so sad. Please don't go back, I think you will see an escalation of the abuse... At least at your dm no one is going to throw something at you or worse.

You need proper advice on your housing situation. It doesn't matter who gave you the money for the deposit or who the landlord is. If the tenancy is in your name I would think you have the right to decide who lives there?
And if you did get him to leave and landlord was upset then worse case he would give you notice... You'd be entitled to 'your' deposit back to use as deposit for nice little home for you, dd, ddog...

Please do something, even if it is just ringing woman's aid, your so young and have a chance of a good future for you and dd... Please don't be back here in 10 yrs time saying how you can't leave Cus you have four children, no money, no job and he beats you and has destroyed your self esteem

How to get rid of unhelpful/grumpy dp!?

The first step is realising you need to get rid (not as easy as it should be), now you've done that, you just need to plan.

Whether it's Women's Aid, CAB, the council, start collecting information, gather your important papers.

Just imagine how cosy a home without him will feel x

Watch some videos on YouTube about self esteem, boundaries in relationships etc. Nobody deserves this type of treatment and that includes you. Also if your daughter witnesses you accepting it she will likely do the same when she is older. You deserve respect and you deserve it now. You can put all your boundaries in place now and that will help you see how awfully this guy is treating you.

Some boundaries could be:

• no one is allowed to throw things at me
• no one is allowed to call me hurtful names
• no one is allowed to make me feel worthless or small
• no one is allowed to tell me to shut up or to keep me from expressing my thoughts and feelings in a constructive way
• no one is allowed to threaten to hurt me physically
• no one is allowed to take my time or labour or effort or goodwill for granted

You wouldn't do those things to others so you have no reason to accept these behaviours from t

Well done for making the decision to leave. This man is not worth any more of your time - he will never be a good partner.

It sounds like realistically you will have to find somewhere else to live. How quickly do you think you could get that organized? Could you stay with your Mum or with someone else in the meantime? When you get your accommodation sorted out, tell him you will transfer the bills to his name, or if he refuses, just end the contract. He will sort himself out fast enough then.

Put your practical head on now and focus on untangling your life from his so that you can move on with your daughter and build a future for the two of you.

From others.

Draw a sacred special space for yourself within these boundaries. With this space inside you only open to those who respect all your boundaries. Then when you put your plans to leave him in place you will not feel any bad way. You could even give him one final chance. Sit down and explain all your new boundaries in a very firm tone. If he mocks you, his one chance is already finished. You will be able to see clearly what type of person he is. You will have disentangled yourself from him and will see him clearly as the pathetic little abuser he is. That will make it very easy to leave. I did this and my feelings for my ex disappeared immediately. I realised he was an enemy to my wellbeing and myself.

He sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Start looking for somewhere new to rent, but don't tell him obviously.

Find out if your deposit is in the Tenancy Deposit Scheme and whose name it is under. You could also get tax credits and housing benefit as a single parent.

I know it's scary but it will be like a weight has lifted off your shoulders and you can concentrate on your lovely daughter.

I can’t offer any advice, but I can say that you are NOT pathetic, nor an idiot. He is, and our parents are. We cannot make people act like they should and so it is certainly not your fault or caused by you that they behave like massive arseholes.

You’re strong enough to know you have to leave, strong enough to ask for advice, and strong enough to come out of the other side of this with a new lease on life. You’re only 25 so still very young!

I’m rooting for you OP, you can do this and all you need to take from these relationships is an awareness of the signs, he knowledge that you’ve come out of abusive relationships as a good person, and that you’re a strong mother who will do anything for her child.

Frankly, that’s the opposite of a pathetic idiot in my mind ... don’t let them get in your head and make you doubt who you are.

Your* parents, not ours lol x