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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If your DP was rubbish at cooking and cleaning pre DC, did they improve after you had kids?

7 replies

Renfrewshire · 09/01/2018 12:17

Friend's DP rarely cooks, sometimes once a week but often much rarer than that. Until recently she worked longer hours and was also studying in her spare time. He is quite tidy as a person but rarely cleans either. She complains to me about it, how she is always doing the cooking and laundry etc. I don't know what she says to him about it. But she wants children with him. I don't have kids but I've read enough on here to know that lots of people have problems with their DP/DHs not pulling their weight. I feel like saying look he's pretty useless now, why do you think he'll be any different when you have kids? But I'm not sure how she'll react.

Did your DP step up after kids?
Can/should I say something to her or mind my own business?

OP posts:
Battleax · 09/01/2018 12:18

A lot of people do, M and F.

The most egregious example I can think of was a woman who couldn't boil an egg pre baby.

I wouldn't worry too much.

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 09/01/2018 12:23

Lots don't though.

I have a friend whose DH cannot care for either of their children for more than an hour solo. Can't give the baby a bottle. Their eldest is 5. She has the patience of a doormat saint, but she's starting to consider leaving.

That said, you should still mind your own business.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 09/01/2018 15:03

She moans to you about her DP but is she seriously tackling the issue with him? If she is and he's not stepped up then there is no reason to think he would post children IMHO.

Grunkle · 09/01/2018 16:37

It's really unlikely that the DP in question will step up.

To expect someone to change for the better in the midst of the stress of having a baby is a fool's errand tbh.

AngelsSins · 09/01/2018 16:43

Ha! Far more likely that when she's on maternity leave he will expect her to do EVERYTHING because he is Working Hard all day and needs his downtime, which means not caring for the kids he decided to have or look after the house he lives in. How these men think single working mothers (and fathers for that matter) cope I have no idea....

dreamingofprairies · 09/01/2018 20:30

I never really thought about it until I started to read relationship threads on MN. Now I am quite worried about my DP. He is the loveliest guy, but I have to remind him million times to help me with the cleaning. He will help with the laundry, but I have to ask him to help with everything else related to cleaning.
I always tell myself it's not such a big deal. Who knows how will I feel when we have DC. I am still hoping he will learn to stay on top of these things without being reminded Grin

mindutopia · 09/01/2018 20:55

I think it's really hard to say. You're in a different stage in life before children and it's maybe difficult to compare apples to oranges. My dh and I are both much more organised and on top of household tasks having children than we were in our more carefree childless days. We have to be. We also have busy professional lives and other real life responsibilities that we didn't have back then (when we were basically both still students).

I've pretty much always done the cooking because I like to. I'm a better cook and I find it relaxing usually and it's just something that's my 'thing' that I take responsibility for and I always have, even when we were dating. I don't really let my dh cook often, though he probably cooks for us about once every 2 weeks when I'm able to relinquish a bit of control. In terms of household tasks, like meal planning, food shopping, cleaning, washing up, DIY, organising, etc. he is definitely much more on top of it now than before kids, but so am I. He was like 21 when we first started dating and I don't think he'd ever cleaned in his life. But that's probably the case for most 21 year old students. We're now in our 30s with kids and he runs his own business and we have busy careers. It's just different. But yes, I would say in addition to just the general life changes that come with getting older and more responsible and needing to be more efficient when you're busy working full-time plus some, having kids really requires someone to be really on top of the household. Now of course, that can be just one of you if the other parent refuses to take responsibility for those things. But definitely for us, we've grown into it together and both carry more weight that we used to.

That said, you get what you put up with. I'd never put up with my dh not sharing the household tasks. He has things he has to get done just like I do and we both do our things. I do the cooking and he does the washing up twice a day. I do my laundry and usually the kids (because I'm pickier about it, though he usually folds it and puts it away after), but I've never done his. He wants clean clothes, he has to wash them himself. He does the bins, I do the food shopping, he does all the DIY, and I do homework, etc. We share the school runs mostly equally depending on our work schedules. The house wouldn't function otherwise because I refuse to carry the weight of both of us and he knows that and wouldn't want to face the wrath of me being tired and stressed out from doing everything frankly!

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