Dating and when to DTD

[Karsul]

So, I've been dating a woman I feel passionately about for a few months now (met through OLD, both in our mid-forties if that makes any odds) and I have to admit I'm quite smitten by her.

We've connected amazingly well on many different levels, mentally, emotionally and intellectually, but sex hasn't happened yet - we haven't progressed beyond kissing.

Now, I totally respect that she may not be ready yet and I'm happy to wait but, here's the question - is there a danger that she will start seeing me as nothing more than a friend if it doesn't happen soon?

For additional context, we've had some text and telephone banter about sex, I don't believe there are any medical issues at play but, in person, there doesn't seem to be any real interest on her part, e.g. running my hands over her clothed body has produced zero reaction from her.

So, do I stick with a woman I most definitely want a relationship with and just accept she is on a different timescale to me or do I have to accept that I may have screwed something up that I am not aware of?

She seems to be coming across as giving you mixed signals. She's told you she has a very high sex drive, yet you get zero response fro her when kissing or touching her.

Does she actually kiss you back when you kiss her and is it always you that instigates the kiss?

I wonder if the 'high sex drive' statement was a ruse to keep you interested in fear you'd lose interest if she said she had a low sex drive.

Either way, I think you need to have a talk and see where you both stand.

Yes, you really need to have the conversation. If she's been out of the dating game for a while she could well be nervous, have body issues etc etc but enough time has passed now to actually get it out into the open.

If I was dating someone I had the hots for but who didn't seem to reciprocate, and yet conversely was happy to carry on celibate dating, I'd damn well want to know where I stood.

You've nothing to lose really - except a possible waste of another few months before the thing fizzles out.

There is absolutely no way I would still be dating someone after a few months of just kissing unless I didn't believe in sex before marriage. There's being nervous because you've not had sex in ages but I think this has already gone too far - especially for someone who says they have an incredibly high sex drive. Not buying it. I'd have cut my losses by now. Time and life is far too short to take this long to get an idea of sexual compatibility.

Something doesn't add up here. She says she has a high sex drive yet behaves as though she doesn't, she gives you no indication that she's interested in you sexually yet continues to date you. Does she think you're just friends who have an occassional kiss or something? All you can do is "insist" it's discussed, and have it clear in your mind what to do if she refuses to even discuss it. As it stands you don't have much of a relationship if after months you haven't progressed from kissing and she changes the subject when you broach it. My guess would be she likes you but is bullshitting about being interested in sex because she thinks if she's honest and says she never wants to fuck you then you won't stick around. Could be totally wrong, although it certainly isn't my norm (which is if I'm interested enough to date a man I definitely want to fuck him within a couple of few dates).

Thanks for all the replies so far everyone. I'm beginning to think she just wants to be friends and I have misread her intention but will talk to her to clarify.

Update: I took the advice most of you gave and spoke to her about this last night. She says her reticence is 100% linked to feeling nervous as it is so long since she was last intimate.

I'm totally willing to try and work through this, offering her reassurance, making her feeling comfortable, etc. but have to admit that I don't really know where to start.

Any suggestions?

Well I'm glad you spoke about it and she was honest with you.
Totally understand where she is coming from.
So the best thing you can do is take things slowly.
It's not easy, because you can't force the issue if she isn't ready.
Can you discuss going away for a romantic weekend somewhere and see if things progress that way?
So you start by just sleeping together (no sex). Cuddles and kissing etc.....
Then see if that leads to anything.
Definitely make sure it's dark and lights out to start with.

God. I haven't had sex in 7 years. When the time comes, the last thing I'm going to be is reticent. I might warn said person I might not do my best work after so long, but I'd be very keen to get on with it, not put it off any longer!

ShatnersWig, I know what you mean, but then again, with men it is not as likely to actually hurt if you can't get fully in the mood...

Hm, maybe something along the lines of spending the night together with the explicit assurance that if she does not want sex that is fine. A nice but light meal and a big glass of wine. And if it does get that far, lubrication of some kind!

Has she had many previous partners? I was nervous the first time I was with someone after my husband as he had been my first partner, and we'd been together 20 years, so I was old but inexperienced and that felt really stupid.

Personally, in her position I would appreciate someone who was actually quite assertive, taking the lead so that I felt wanted and "just" had to go along with it at first.

Hells - Taking things slowly is fine by me (I have already!), though from a selfish point of view I guess what I really need here is a sign that its a case of when will it happen rather than wondering if. A romantic weekend away is a good idea in theory but will a 45 year old woman believe I have no expectations regardless of what I say?

Shatners - I totally get what you are saying and in a way that's at the root of my current thinking - if I haven't had sex for a while I'm always rather, erm, keen, to get back in the saddle so to speak. I've never been in this position before

Raven - She's had 4 partners. Assertiveness is an issue here - I've never had any issues taking the lead but with this woman I feel like I'm being rebuffed (for reasons I now have a better understanding of) and have no experience of that to draw on.

Well, assuming you're a decent guy, you don't have any expectations, do you? Just hope!

I'd pursue it along the lines of "How about if we go to bed together and see if we can overcome your anxiety - but you can say stop at any time". And mean it.

If she's not open to even that at this stage, and really has no other hangups, I would suspect that she is actually not that into you, however much she would like to be.

I wouldn't do it on a weekend away, though, as if something goes wrong you might be stuck with each other for another day, and she might feel more nervous not being able to just go if she wants.

Sex on 3rd or 4th date is most ppls way to go me n my dp had sex within a day were still together coming up 2 years now

Well done for having the talk.

I still don't get (reticent or not) why you are getting ZERO response from her when you are kissing or touching her if she has a very high sex drive as she claims. Most people make some form of response to something they enjoy (even if its just kissing and touching) even without expecting or wanting it to go further than just that. Just seems odd you get zero reaction from her.

I hope it works out for you. Maybe cook her a nice meal, glass of wine, her favourite movie, nice relaxing evening and see where it goes?

Karsul you have said what you are willing to do and imo, you sound very patient and compromising but what has she said about what she is going to do about the situation? She has said how she feels and why but has she said how she intends to help things along? Whilst I understand how many women might complain that with OLD some men just seem interested in a quick shag and then nothing further, this seems to be the opposite extreme. I just wouldn't put myself on OLD if after a few months, I wasn't likely to want to get physical with someone. It is an essential part of a relationship and I'd be frustrated by now.

I've thought some more about this overnight and I'm glad Granville has said what they have because the more I consider this the more I don't get it (and nor is the OP).

Even if, allowing for the fact someone hasn't been with someone sexually and therefore wants to move a bit slowly, this is a few MONTHS and there isn't even a response to kissing or him placing his hands on her body. If someone has a high sex drive as she claims, then even if she stopped before having full sex or even oral sex, the kissing would at least be pretty passionate and give the OP the idea that she is properly keen even if she wants to wait a while longer.

The impression the OP gives is that the kissing is not passionate or enthusiastic and that just makes no sense whatsoever with what she's telling him.

Either she is trying to make herself like him more than she actually does or she actually has a very low sex drive and is hoping the OP gets smitten so he won't mind that she hardly ever wants to have sex.

Sorry, OP, I'm just not buying this. Something's not right here.

This sounds a bit like my situation right now - hope it has panned out to your, erm, satisfaction OP

I like to think I have a high sex drive, and for most of my life have been keen to move things along. However, there were times in my 30s and 40s when due to traumatic but sadly common life events (such as loss of partner) I have been unable to take that step until I had 'psychically healed'. Horrible phrase but I don't know how else to express it. I did want relationships, and this was no reflection on the people I met in those periods - it felt as if my body was protecting me from repeating those experiences.