Childhood sexual abuse (triggering)

[StillNumb]

Well here I go - NC for obvious reasons.

I was sexually abused by my father from around age of 7 until about 19, when I left home shortly later. My mother found out about this on a number of occasions and although she could have stopped it and LTB she chose not to 'to keep the family together'. I have kept contact with my family over the years and have hidden what went on from the rest of them, something which has been a huge burden for me.

My parents moved to another country some years ago, although I tried to persude my mother not to do it. She was swayed once again by promises of nice things and off she went. My brother also moved to this country with his family. I had very limited contact with them for many years. Foolishly, I decided that I would make a visit a few years back, only for my mother's sake, and have visited now and again since then. I have obviously not enjoyed these trips, felt very uncomfortable, but didn't feel that I was at any risk.

My mother was admitted to hospital recently and was seriously ill. I went to visit and stayed at their house. Everything was ok for a few days, although it made me feel ill every time I had to help my father with anything as he is very frail etc. Getting ready to go to bed one night he started to look for an item, we couldn't find it and I said I would help him look in the morning. He wasn't happy about this and started to get angry. I went to the bedroom and locked the door and got ready for bed. He started knocking on the door demanding that I came out there and then to speak to him, he got more and more angry and was bashing the door. He started to make violent threats (not to me but about an item). I was terrified, and was seriously frightened as to what he may do. He appears to be a frail old man but he seemed to be having a massive adrenalin rush. The upshot was that I phoned my brother and he came and took me to his house. I think I was hysterical at the time, and my brother did perhaps think I had overreacted slightly, although he and his wife were very kind to me, and angry about what our father had done. I felt traumatised by what had happened.

I thought about things seriously over the next few days - my mother is going to need some support when she comes home and he won't allow any strangers to come into the house. He was making demands on my brother and his family which were unreasonable. I could see my brother's family getting drawn deeper into caring for them over the foreseeable future. Prior to this incident I had not felt that my father was a risk but after this I couldn't be sure, and wouldn't want my brother's family put at risk. I decided that I would tell my brother and SIL about what happened in the pasy.

For info, I did tell one of my other brothers what had happened several years back, but this was over the phone not a face to face conversation. He did want me to tell the rest of our family but I said no as I didn't want people to discuss it, couldn't stand the shame, didn't want to be a figure of pity, I suppose all the usual things that people think. Unbeknown to me he had discussed with my other siblings who live in this country and whilst they were shocked they agreed that they would do nothing further as it was my decision as too what I wanted to do.

After a couple of days thinking about it, I told my SIL what happened first as I knew that my brother would take it very badly as he has always had a closer relationship with his father, although this has started to wear thin over the last few years. As you can imagine by SIL was shocked, devastated, angry etc. She was shocked that this secret had been kept for so long and angry with my mother, and me to some extent, that nothing had been said to them and that her children were allowed to be in a vulnerable position. I agree with her on that of course. She said that she wanted my brother to know and that she could tell him after I had gone home, or I could speak to him myself. I decided that I would speak to him direct, which I did that day. This is the first time that I have discussed what happened face to face. As you can imagine, my brother is devastated, but is supportive to me and believes what I had said. My SIL is angry that nothing has been said and that all of us in home country were aware of what happened and left them at risk. This isn't quite what happened, as I said I have told one brother and it was never discussed openly.

The shit has hit the fan now, my SIL is blazing and wants something done... She would like it taking to the police but my brother doesn't want that as they live in a small community and wants to protect his DC. I'm not even sure that you can complain to the police about a crime committed in another country, have no idea. I have said I will go with whatever they would like to do. One thing for sure my father will be aware that his behaviour has been exposed and my SIL for sure will confront him.

When my mother was in hospital she mentioned a couple of times that she didn't want to go back to my father. She knew that I had left the house and that there had been an incident, but complained that I was going home earlier than planned so couldn't look after her. She was offered some help to get other accommodation, downsize her house and make a fresh start, but she has decided that she is too old to start again and will go back. She doesn't want to live in a smaller house on her own and give up some of the luxuries she enjoys at the moment.

I have no idea where we go from here. I am devastated that I have dropped this massive bombshell on my brother and his family, which is going to have a great impact on their lives. I wish I had spoken out before, but can't do anything to change that. My father's behaviour the other night says to me that he is still a serious risk and I couldn't say nothing, especially as they were trying to get my brother and his family to move in with them and look after them.

I am home now but I feel so ill and traumatised. My brother has told my mother what I have said, she has admitted that it happened but remembers a fairly sanitised version of the story. Any advice on how we all go on from here would be more than welcome.

I think first of all, you need to take care of yourself and get yourself some support as well as no doubt this has brought up a lot for you. Ultimately, this is not your fault. It's your father's fault. But it's true they did have a right to know and someone should have told them. That didn't necessarily need to be you, but someone in the family who knew should have been honest with them as soon as they had children. You shouldn't feel guilty about bringing it all up now. It's good they know (even if they should have known sooner) and it's their responsibility now to decide how to deal with that, not yours. Similarly, it's your mother's choice who she lives with and I don't think you need to fix it for her, even with her being unwell. Though I hope your brother and SIL would help her as they live close if she did want to move away. It is also not your responsibility to report and prosecute him and your SIL should not be putting that pressure on you or even bringing that up if it's not something you would initiate yourself. They can choose to cut contact and protect their children without a conviction. The two things are completely separate issues and they need to keep their noses out of that. The only person who can decide if that's right is you.

We have had a somewhat similar situation in our family. We basically were your brother and SIL. My MIL's new partner (not my dh's dad) has a history of sexual abuse of a family member in his own family. The difference being that he was reported, convicted and served time in prison. MIL knew this as did other extended family members, but it was information that was intentionally hidden for us for 10 years in the hopes that his time on the sexual offenders registry would be up before we ever found out about it. We brought our dd around him regularly (though never unsupervised, at least not for more than like a minute while one of us was in the room next door getting something) and everyone in the family covered it up. We are the only ones with children (except for a few distant relatives that he has no contact with anyway), so it was clear that we were intentionally not told so it wouldn't interfere with his and MIL's access to our children (as my BIL and SIL have known for like 10 years, I say 'SIL' but they aren't married and don't have children, yet they knew).

In our case, I'm not upset about anything related to him. What's upsetting is the conspiracy to lie to us. That everyone else knew and intentionally didn't tell us. They even talked to each other and met up behind my back to discuss it and come up with a plan for keeping it from me specifically. It's the betrayal and the lying that really hurts. It's completely severed our relationship to MIL and we don't really have much contact anymore with the rest of the family either. We don't actually know the family member who was abused (obviously, she has no contact anymore with him, she's an adult as this happened probably 15 years ago now). I personally wouldn't blame her or hold it against her even if we did. Trauma is a tricky thing and it's difficult to deal with yourself (I know from my own personal experiences), let alone to be able to talk to anyone else about it. But in a situation where other family members knew who hadn't been abused themselves, they should have told your brother and SIL when they had children. Before that, it didn't really matter, but as soon as children are put at risk, someone should have had the balls to speak up. And like I said, I don't necessarily think that should have been you, though it wouldn't have been wrong if you did. But what's done is done now and the best way forward is for you to figure out how you are going to take care of yourself through all this while also keeping your relationship a good one with your brother and SIL, which it seems like they want to. I don't think you need to worry about them being upset you told them. They won't be upset about that. They'll be grateful to have that information and to be able to move forward and do what they have to do to protect themselves and their children, especially as they know he has the potential to still be violent. But equally, they shouldn't be putting any pressure on you to file a report or do anything about this. That's your choice alone. And it should make no difference to how they can act to protect their kids now. So basically, take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself, and don't feel like you need to take any responsibility for anyone else's behaviour or choices. Let them handle themselves, including your mum, unless she genuinely feels like she wants to leave and you feel you can support her in that.

Hope you are okay though. I've only been on the other side of it in a situation like this, but it's a horrible thing to have the past erupt and to have to figure out how to deal with it.

Thank you mindutopia, that is very kind. I completely agree that they should have been told, and it is something that has been playing on my mind for some time. The only good point is that the grandchildren have had fairly limited contact with my parents. I am no way qualified to assess if my father is 'safe' now, but I think I thought he was but the incident last week showed that he isn't, nor is he he sorry in any way for what he did to me.

My SIL isn't trying to force me to do anything, she is just playing out different scenarios in her head at the moment. As my brothers says, she has guns on both hips and is ready to use them! Although to be fair if they did want me to go to the police then I would. I am glad that's it finally out in the open, regardless of the consequences.

My other brothers are aware that this has all come out and are being supportive. It's very hard for us all :( As you appreciate, the shock of finding out something like this is enormous.

You were under no obligation to tell anyone what happened to you.

Your SIL is reasonable to be concerned for the safety of her children: but as you said, your brother knew about it and he said nothing, and neither did your mother. You should not be bearing the brunt of her anger.

It's up to you whether you report him to the police or not. Your SIL is not the victim here, you are. You get to decide what to do about it.

A few years ago I reported the man who abused me as a child to the police and despite it not reaching a prosecution (he'd died in the intervening years) I found it a very helpful, validating thing to do. It was hard, and at times distressing, but overall it was a positive experience for me.

Do what you think is best for yourself, Numb. And take care of yourself.

Oh my dear how difficult this must be for you. My heart goes out to you. As well as to your brother and SIL.

I strongly urge you to get in touch with a counselor or counseling social worker who has experience in supporting adult survivors of sexual abuse.

I did notice in your post that you seem to be throwing yourself at the mercy of your brother, waiting for him to tell you what to do. I gently but firmly urge you to think that through.

YOU are the one who should take control of your actions, your words, what you want to do. Part of this means that you need to stop what you're doing, get still and quiet, and start working out what YOU need/want to see happen here.

As an abuse survivor, it's normal for you to be completely out of touch with your own needs/wants, to be completely consumed with what others wants, with pleasing them, etc - I've been there, I know that feeling all too well - but part of recovering is finding a way back to that part of yourself. The part that stands up for herself, who boldly fights her corner. No-one else can do that for you. Your brother and his wife will put their children first, as they should - but you need to put YOU first.

Your mother has had her chance to make choices that put you first - she has refused help offered to her that would help her make better choices - she has made her bed, and she seems to want to lie in it. Let that happen.

Some choices you could make...
Let your brothers support you.
Take time away from contact with your mother, if talking to her leaves you feeling raw.
Report to the police in one or both countries - being aware that it may not result in any prosecution, but just to know you have spoken the truth as much as you can.
Do not report to police - being aware that at this moment, it's more important for you to take care of yourself and not rehash the past.
Limit contact with all members of family - stick to cards, texts, keep it light and breezy - until you've had some counseling.

But the most important thing here is that you find a way back to yourself, to the part of you that takes care of you, not everyone else. x

Thank you OnTheRise and Grunkle. I feel sick about me, and I feel sick about the impact on my family, particularly the brother that lives nearby. I know that my SIL will confront my father, that's without a doubt, and I don't mind. After that, I really don't care what happens. I am so glad that it is out in the open finally and hopefully we can move on from here.

I posted last year under another name about how I felt when I last visited my parents and got some really good advice. As a result of that I contacted Rape Crisis and was able to have an initial appointment and am now on the waiting list for counselling.

I feel really devastated for my brother. Of us all, he was the one who seemed to like our father. He was an absolute bastard to all of us, but my brother kept seeking his approval. What a fucking awful thing to happen, you ask your sister to come to visit as mother ill and then your whole life implodes. I feel sad for my SIL, what a massive shock for her, she must wonder what sort of family she has got involved in.

As far as the future, my brothers have been supportive and I want to keep contact with them. I will never set foot over the doorstep of my parents house whilst he is alive. I will have limited contact with my mother as she is unwilling to help herself, and didn't help her children.

What a mess :(

In my opinion, you shouldn't worry about how anyone else feels or thinks. This is your decision to make. Do what you think is best.

If your SIL wants to confront your father that's up to her.

Stop worrying about your brother: he wasn't abused as you were. He might find it shocking, but he didn't have to go through it. You've had far worse than he has.

The worst thing by far is that your father abused you. But your mother enabling it by staying with him when she knew what he was doing to you? That comes a close second. It was unforgivable of her to do that. You are wise to be wary of her, I think.

Whatever happens next, keep reminding yourself that you've done nothing wrong here at all and are guilty of nothing.

You've done incredibly well to get this far along, Numb. It's very brave of you to disclose as you have done. You should be proud of yourself.

Oh op l feel so very sad you have suffered so much at the hands of someone who should have been your protector, and very angry on your behalf.

As others have said you shouldn't worry about the rest of your family now, you didn't cause any of this the ONLY person responsible is your vile father. And to a lesser degree your mother, as she had the power to stop it continuing by leaving him.

YOU are completely innocent and have no need to worry about what happens now.

With luck by being brave enough to speak out you will have protected your SILs Dcs.

If l were you l would go nc with parents.

I hope you get every bit of help to move on with your life in a good way.

In your shoes I would have nothing to do with your father or your enabling mother again.

I don't speak to my own parents and they only "turned a blind" eye to the decade of abuse I suffered.

Your bloody mother outright knew! Stop caring about what they want or need. They let down a vulnerable child.

Do what you can to keep the relationship with your brother and SIL going but do not waste a moment of your time worrying about your pervert father and enabler mother.

I know that is easier said than done. But really. I am OUTRAGED by you having to suffer TWELVE YEARS of abuse that was easily preventable.

That is not ok. It will never be ok.

Thank you all for your advice and support. I am certainly going NC with both parents at the moment. Now this has been exposed I am never going to have contact with my father again, ever. That in itself is a massive relief. As far as my mother goes, then I will perhaps think about it in the future.

I can't remember the age I was the first time she caught him, perhaps 10 or so... There was a massive argument of course, and she did go to see someone about helping her leave. She didn't tell them about the abuse to me, just general DV. Apparently the 'social worker' spoke to all of us kids and asked who we wanted to live with. We all said mum, except my brother (the one I have just told) who wanted to stay with where he was. Therefore it was decided that we all had to stay. My mother trots this story out every now and again when she is having a bad time with my father and reminds us that my brother didn't want to leave, but he was only a little boy. She was the adult andd she had that opportunity do something that would have had a huge positive impact on all of our lives.

I think my mother this has been playing on my mother's mind for a while as when I saw her earlier last year she said to me 'that time when I caught him, tell me that was the only time' but she knows that it isn't and that it happened again. I told her that wasn't true and she knew that, then she started crying.

I am so angry that they were trying to get my brother to move his family into their house to look after them and to potentially invest their money in that project. I would never have allowed that to happen, never. The positive for me is that it is out in the open now and I can get on with things. Luckily I never have to see either of them again, but my brother unfortunately does.

OP l applaud your bravery, but it has a terrible cost...so sorry

I sincerely hope this gives you a sense of being freer to get on with your life and wish you well

This has made me really angry!!

that time when I caught him, tell me that was the only time

What the actual fuck?!
For real?!

How many 'times' would have been ok for her to stop overlooking the fact her husband is raping/trying to rape/ molesting her own daughter??!

You are 100,000,000,000% justified in never speaking to your mother again. Your 'father' (I use the term loosely) is a given. I wouldn't go to his funeral either.

Re your brother, Sis-in-law etc: Sorry they'll just have to deal with it. You are not responsible in ANY way for any fall out or unpalatable truths being revealed. You are not responsible for their reactions, future actions, or responses. You are not responsible for the safety of their children. You did not create the problem, your F did.

They have the imformation, and from here on out it's their responsibility to deal with it as best they can. You can certainly sympathise, but do not take on any more guilt. You've spent enough years with that burden.

The fact your brother had his dad on a pedestal - completely your mother's fault. The fact their children were at risk, again your mother's fault. She should have disabused him of his regard for your father a long time ago. Now he's an adult it's hitting him hard, but it is your mother's fault entirely.

Don't let anyone force you into taking actions you may not be ready for or find traumatic. YOU are the victim here. I remember the unpleasant experience many years ago after leaving home, of speaking to someone I trusted about my own abuse, who then refused to speak to me unless I reported it, something I was wholly unprepared for emotionally and mentally in everyway. I am still not ready now.

Don't take on any blame and don't be forced into doing things you're uncomfortable with in order to please others or because they seem 'right' in principle.

I hope you get past this. Look after yourself

Thank you Dragongirl10 . It is terrible, but ultimately I hope we can all move on. My father is going to asbolutely shitting himself now the cat is out of the bag, and good enough for him too. I hope he never has another days peace.

HadronCollider unfortunately this whole sorry story is for real, as I am sure you know. I am sorry to hear that you have also suffered abuse, sadly there are a lot of us a round. What I have written here is just the very sketchy outline, I don't want to think about the past in too much detail at the moment. I am glad that I have told my brother - after the incident last week I didn't have any other choice, my father was the architect of his final downfall. He was like a wild man, trying to bang the door down and making threats.

My brother and SIL will be fine eventually, and they are relieved that I have given them the information before any other plans were made. I feel sorry for SIL though, she must feel sick and wonder what sort of people she has got involved with (although myself and my brothers are all good people and love our children dearly). I have already told my brother that I won't be at my 'fathers' funeral when the day comes. I will never lay eyes on him again, and not a day too soon.

I am starting to feel a bit better now than I am home and have distanced myself from them. A few more days and then I will be back in the real world and trying to get on with things. I've got a few things to look forward to this year :)

Thanks to everyone who has commeneted for your advice and support, it is greatly appreciated

I'm just adding to this post in case I should ever look back on it in the future, or want to send a link to someone

My mother has tried to contact me several times since I got home. The first time she left a message and sounded tearful, the second time a more demanding message asking why I hadn't contacted her since I got home! She phoned again last night and I decided that I might as well answer and get it over and done with.

She said that she was disappointed that I hadn't stayed on to help her once she came home and she had heard that I 'had been causing arguments' with my brother. I calmly explained that I had had to leave the house because of that bastards behaviour and I had told her that several times. I told her that I had told my brother and SIL what had happened in the past and it had caused so much upset. She asked if SIL was going to do anything (she is feisty) and I said I had no idea. She went on to say that she didn't know what had been happening over the last few days and why I had gone home, as she was confused when admitted to hospital. She wasn't confused when I saw her the day before and told her again what had happened.

She then asked me if I had been shopping whilst I was staying as there might be a chance that I had accidentally thrown the missing item in the bin, and she would look for it, otherwise they would have to pay a substantial amount of money to get it replaced!

The old bastard then came into the room and started shouting in the background, demanding to know who she was speaking to. She said it was my brother and he said to tell him that he couldn't come into the house. I ended the call. I won't be speaking to her again for a long time, if ever. I was very calm during the calm, didn't get upset or raise my voice, I surprised myself :)

Well done stillnumb. I remember your thread from last year as well.

Just WELL DONE. Stay strong xx

hugs and very well done Still. Cannot believe she accused you of causing trouble!! Anyway, carry on being strong and putting yourself first. I ought to say that although I think you would be entirely justified in never speaking to your mother again and going no contact, don't feel you would be letting yourself down if you wanted to help either. Its up to you. Just do whatever you want!!

You sound amazing. Stay strong

It is clear to see from your posts that you have become stronger as the truth has come out and the days pass. Your mother and your father are disgusting individuals. I cannot understand people like this. Although it would have been better to have told your bother who had contact with these two what had happened, it us clear you were very much under your father's control. What i can't understand is the rest of your family not alerting him to the potential danger both your parents represented to the children. You asked your brother not to say anything, but he did, only not to the one sibling who really needed the information?

Look after yourself now. Don't concern yourself with mother- she did not help you in your time of need and she should not consider herself your mother from the day when you were 10yo and she turned her eyes away from the horror you were suffering. You have siblings, let them help your mother.

Truthfully, you are the wronged person here and its OK for fiesty SIL to be furious, but the psychocology of abuse is complex. You are really only just coming to terms with what happened to you now. It's almost as though his violent rantings have released you from the 'freeze ' mode of survival. Now you will flourish. The best form of revenge is a life well lived!

Psychology.
The poster before me is right...help your mother if you want to, but don't allowed her to guilt trip you into it. She us still enabling your father by accusing you of trouble making. Who cares if they have to replace whatever they have mislaid?

Thank you tonysopranostherapist , HadronCollider and littletinyme . I feel really rotten at the moment, but will be ok given time.

littletinyme you are absolutely right, it was the explosion last week that unleashed something in me. I had managed to tolerate him all these years, although didn't have to see him very often. His violent outburst shows that he had no remorse for me at all, but more importantly that he is still a risk to other people and I can't turn a blind eye to that.

At the moment I am keeping a distance from my mother as too exhausted, but I will help her if she ever does decide that she will make the break from him.

Thanks again everybody, your advice and support has been amazing.