Worried about DD's age gap relationship

[motherfiver]

My eldest turned 21 in November and is dating a man who I haven't been told the exact age of but I would say late 50s/early 60s.
I had met him a few occasions before the relationship began and he seemed like I nice guy so I dont have real concerns that he is hurting her.
I feel horribly ageist and old fashioned but the thought of my daughter with him makes me sick and I don't know how to handle the situation.
She's an adult and do I just need to come to terms with it?

Yes you need to come to terms with it. She's young, and chances are she may want children etc as she gets older and may look for someone else more suitable. For now though, you need to be happy that she is happy. If you interfere you know you'll be the bad guy and it won't end well.

From someone whos parents made my life an absolute misery for dating an older man, yes you need to come to terms with it. I was treated far better by an older man than I ever was by young 20 something 'boys'. Far less jealous, far better conversationalist, far more encouraging to pursue my own career etc

Maybe you do but if my 21 year old daughter was dating a man in his late 50s/early 60s hell would freeze over before I would be able to 'come to terms with it'.

I'm not surprised you're worried.

That is a big age gap. I would feel the same OP.

She has a right to decide who to date, but that is a massive age gap and you might want to have an open talk with her without expressing disapproval that may drive her into it more setting out the concerns

Would say nothing, if there are any problems she is far more likely to come to you. Does she still see her friends?

It may work out but realistically I think the odds will be stacked against it. I would imagine that their social circles are somewhat different and in time the age gap will really show.

Do you know how she met him?

I'm with HalfStar
My DD is 20 and the thought of her with someone of this age would make my skin crawl.
I know she's 21 but it's still all a bit paeodo for me.
Yeuk and gross.
Sorry but that's how I would feel.

I would feel the same, but unfortunately I think that if your say anything against him it will only make her defend him and drive her more and more tiwards him.

Just out of interest does the apparently horribly selfish, opportunistic, piece of scum have anything real to offer her?

To add
I haven't been disapproving to Dd about it
And if it's relevant this man is older than both me and DD's father (who walked out when Dd was 8 and I think may be part of the reason she is drawn to older guys) also this guy has two tennage sons only a few years younger than Dd

I have 20 something Dds and that would worry me a lot It isn't a few years it is a generation or 2 gap.

Of course there are lovely kind supportive older men and selfish controlling scumbaggy older men and he could be one or the other (or a mixture of both).

If it was my daughter honestly I think I would be appalled, but probably try not to show it and just watch and wait and see how it unfolded.

They met through work but they don't work together daily just in the same industry

I would not show my disapproval, as I wouldn't want to alienate her. I would wait for it to blow over. (I would secretly be very worried though)

I would be VERY worried, but as others have said there's not a lot you can do except be supportive and hope it doesn't last!

If you show any concern/disapproval you are likely to make her feel she has to choose, and she won't turn to you for support/advice if she needs it.

The age gap is huge. If they stay together there's a very good chance she will be his carer in the not too far distant future, possibly with young children as well. However, it's her life!

My daughter married a man much older than her, nd its not true that older men treat women better,
I didnt like the idea,partly because his previous partner was much younger than him too, and he met her when she was 17, i think there is some paedo inclination when men go for women or girls so much younger,its creepy
My daughters partner was very cruel, both mentally and physicaly, and was so possesive and controlling that she dare not even visit me without his permission,
Without going into details,it didnt end well

Paedo. Technically old enough to be her grandad. Bleurgh!!

@dumbolickous

I don't think that's a fair comment, a paedophile is someone sexually attracted to children. My daughter is a young woman not a child.

It'll probably fall apart on its own. But I'd find it difficult.

I'd be very worried but would try and be supportive for fear of driving her away or giving him ammunition to separate us.

I would probably also make an extra effort to see her often and do things with just the two of us so she had plenty of opportunities to confide in me if needed.

Hope it all works out ok for you both.

No he’s not a paedophile, or even a hebephile or ephebophile if we’re being technical.

He is a dirty old man though 🤢