Should I block my controlling/abusive/manipulative ex/DD's father ??

[NancyPiecrust]

After receiving several stressful, manipulative, gaslighting and stressful messages containing many lies on Sunday from my ex partner (DD's Dad) I am considering blocking his phone number....And telling him he can call either one of my parents if there is ever an emergency with DD whilst he has her? Is that a bad idea?
I cannot cope with the stress, lies and manipulation. It took all my energy to not reply and jump to defend myself and get pulled into a discussion with him/give him narcissistic supply he is so desperately looking for.

I was on verge of tears/extremely anxious most of the day (she was with him) and I am still feeling the effects today. The reason he started with these messages again? Because I stupidly texted him to ask if he could give DD supper at 5pm instead of me giving it to her at 6pm when she gets home to me...her bedtime is at 7pm (as she wakes up at 6.30am) and she's 3.5 years old, so she's really tired by 6pm and sometimes says she's too tired to eat...visibly putting her head in her hands and can't even be bothered to lift the fork, so I have to feed her. Then she has a rushed bedtime, not very relaxing for her. Usually, when she's with me (she's with me the majority of the time) I feed her at 5/5.30pm and that seems to work well, she feeds herself well and seems in a good mood to eat. But he refused and said he doesn't agree arbitrarily, that I should give her dinner when she returns to "my home" at 6pm as usual = note he won't say "when she gets home" as he keeps trying to promote to her that she has 2 homes even though she lives with me and doesn't stay overnight with him anymore. He then went on to accuse me of making DD weird with food because I don't feed her meat and am a vegetarian...(she does eat fish though as a compromise we made), he has blamed her fussiness with food on me "getting angry with her for trying bacon at his house" - not true. All because he tried to break out of his normal fish fingers meal that he always gives her and tried to get her to eat Kedgeree when she hates food to be mixed up. Actually if he was to read her nursery book that he commands me to always include in her bag, he would see she has been trying a wide variety of food and trying to be more adventurous with mixing and sauce etc. The fact I am even explaining this is ridiculous. GOd ! Look at me !
This situation is just intolerable at the moment - causing me and DD so much stress...currently he has moved closer to us with the explicit purpose of taking me to court for shared care, wanting to split her in half and every chance he gets at contact he tells her how it's all my fault and manipulates her emotionally. No wonder she is exhausted when she gets back. but for now the status quo must remain according to temporary order whilst Section 7 report is done. I cannot believe this has to continue for another couple months. DD is starting to physically show signs of stress too. Unexplained itchy face rash, mouth ulcer, weird wretching reflux gagging thing she has started doing the past few days since contact with him on Weds.
Advice?

I did it. Never looked back. I got a "prick brick" (cheap nokia) initially for him to communicate with me on but he just moved the abuse to there. He now has absolutely no means of contact with me. Best thing I ever did.

Things did reach a crescendo, however, as he transferred the abuse/manipulation to the kids however he doesn't see them anymor after that.

You split up for a reason - you're not with him anymore so don't have to tolerate it.

Ugh sorry, just seen the part of your message where you say he already does that to her. Do you have Womans Aid involvement? They have excellent support workers for kids if that's something you feel would help her, it helped my two through some tough times and hard emotions.

Another vote for Women's Aid. They may be able to help you move to supervised contact only if there is evidence that being alone with this prick is harming her psychologically (which sounds like it is the case). They can often recommend good solicitors who understand abuse, as well.

Thanks so much...yes I have a solicitor just waiting for Legal Aid to kick in....she does understand I think the abusiveness at least towards me she seems experienced in these kind of things. But it's slow going. We are going for supervised contact but I am not sure how I can prove that DD is impacted apart from what she says to me/my Mum...my Mum does handovers so she observes DD's demeanour and how overly emotive DD's Dad and ex MIL are when they say goodbye to her. DD has told my Mum that they've said this and that is because Mummy said no to sleepovers etc...trying to make her hate me. Trying to make her say to CAFCASS that she wants to live with him etc. When she has said she doesn't want sleepovers with him. When she was, she had night terrors multiple times a night, every single night, for months. Now overnight contact has stopped, she sleeps through the night again. Rarely has a nightmare now. Speak volumes. Really feel so powerless now as feel it's all in the hands of the courts and he may just charm them/play victim/make them feel sorry for him. He's a master manipulator. But hopefully they can see that what he's asking for is not child focussed... But yes good idea to speak to Women's Aid again.. I did when we first separated and he was being abusive and irrational still and grabbed DD off my and refused to leave the house. So they have that on a call record at least. It's just so upsetting and traumatic having to go over it all again...it's all so insidious and in ways subtle abuse but powerful. He's a selfish..narc..bully. He only cares about winning, he does not truly care about DD.

No he doesn't absolutely disgusting behaviour. Funnily enough my ex's mum played a part in the manipulation as well. Is she saying to CAFCASS she doesn't want sleepovers? Surely they must take that into account. I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this it's not easy x

With the rash, moth ulcers, reflex I would suggest a visit to the GP just for a check. It would then be on record that contact is causing severe stress and that stress could then be evidenced for the court.

Weezol has just said what I was about to.

Yes to separate phone only switched on during contact.

Get back up app for your texts so you can easily print them off for court. I use sms backup. Or you can Screenshot them but I found this a bit of a hassle.

If you are getting legal aid then you must have good evidence of his abuse already. It is also encouraging that you are getting section 7.

Hang in there. Get a diary and note everything. So drop off, pick up, if he's late, when he sends abusive messages, when your dd says stuff, wen she has nightmare or shows other symptoms.

Thanks guys.. I've been logging with solicitor through emails every time she has come back saying stuff or upset & have gone to the doctor about the rash, not the gagging thing yet. She's seems calmer now and less tantrums /less emotionally intense.. this is what happens a few days after just being at home she then calms down and is happier. There's always a fall out from the contact.
I'm sure if CAFCASS ask her now she will say that she wants to go for sleepovers with Daddy and that Muy is stopping her. Because that is what he has drilled into her. He's taking every chance at contact to brainwash her. He's also told her that she can't go and see her Nanny in London unless Mummy says yes to overnights. So she has connected the two in her brain. Even though when she was actually having overnights she was so unsettled - night terrors every single night, sometimes 3 or 4 times a night waking up. And she said various things like that he put his hand over her mouth in the night when she was crying, that he shouted at her until she stopped crying, last year she said he whacked and slapped her because he was upset he needed to whack her .. that was her description when she was 2.5 years old. That is why I moved away from London to be back near my family. I told SS and they did nothing after they spoke to him and he lied / watered down what happened. She did stop seeing him unsupervised for a period of time last year. But he worked his way back in just by basically gaslighting the shit out of me, pressuring me with soliciters letter containing lies, threatening court all the time, no professionals were listening to me and everyone just said we had to sort it out ourselves or in the court / mediators telling me I had to let him have overnights or try etc... so after he agreed to go to anger management (even though he said he didn't think he had an anger problem) I did then let him try overnights again as he seemed to have "changed". But that was just an act and DD stopping sleeping through the night and nightmares & night terrors showed that she didn't feel safe or secure with that. She then said she liked having a day out with Daddy but asked it he could only have sleepovers with me. Said she didn't really like having sleepovers with Daddy. This plus he moved closer then his behaviour became controlling, erratic and hostile to me in front of DD, then sent court papers finally, then my solicitor advised that I stop overnight contact. So I did. She still sees him every other weekend but she comes home tonne every evening. And he has her every Weds day time but this isn't really practical.. she'll be starting school in Sept this year. Of course he wants her to go to school 5 mins from his house and he's arguing about this/being controlling about it. And also I'm worried if he has her every Weds he will never let me go on holiday with her or anything. And as I said I think he's damaging her psychologically !! Even if he does do fun activities with her as well.. it doesn't make up for the damage he will do.

Try and write a chronological version of events. I would suggest you do this in a word document so if you remember something later you can go back and add it in the right place.

Think of it as a diary. Every text, every communication goes in there with time, date and who it was. What was agreed.

If you can get professionals to corroborate, even better, so taking DC to GP for the ulcers etc. Does she go to nursery? Have they noticed any changes in her behaviour or demeanor?