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Original poster

Should you look at DH's texts and social media if you suspect him of having an EA?

22 replies

StrawberryGin · 08/01/2018 23:08

Previously I would never have snooped but I suspected my DH of having an emotional affair with a work colleague. I took his phone and looked at his messages and sadly found evidence of pub and lunch dates with this woman that I didn't know about. Also the way they talked to each other was uncomfortably familiar. I felt so hurt. Now I don't know what to do. If I challenge him he'll know I've been spying. Should I expect him to share any other social media messages?

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/01/2018 23:09

Spying when you suspect something is nowhere near as bad as cheating.

notapizzaeater · 08/01/2018 23:21

I'd be getting my ducks in order and getting more evidence

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2018 06:52

I don't think this is necessarily an affair

Can't he have a friend to have lunch with occasionally? I wouldn't be amused at you looking through my phone either

letsdolunch321 · 09/01/2018 06:59

Get as much evidence as you can then confront him

Jobjobjob · 09/01/2018 07:17

Can't he have a friend to have lunch with occasionally? I wouldn't be amused at you looking through my phone either

OP suspects an EA, now seems to have found evidence. So if she suspects and her DH is having an EA, she would still respect his privacy? Why? Why shouldn't she gather evidence?

SandyY2K · 09/01/2018 07:24

What makes you think it's not a physical affair?

You could try and talk to him about you feeling the two of you aren't as close as you were or how you feel he's being a bit distant towards you and you want things to improve.

See his reaction if you raise this in a calm manner. If he loves you and cares for you...he'll want to address it.

It could be that the excitement of the EA has gripped him.

If you subsequently see more messages or changed passwords...you'll have your answer.

Something made you suspicious...that's the starting point of your discussions.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 09/01/2018 07:27

It’s a hard one tbh because I think I’d be a bit offended if my DH suspected me BUT I dont (atleast I hope I don’t) do anything to create suspicion. Like go on lunch dates with men my dh doesn’t know about.

OTOH, if you can’t get the truth out of someone, what are you expected to do? Turn a blind eye and wait for proof to come to you?
Its a rock and a hard place, because if you ask the question without your ‘evidence’, you give them the chance to cover their tracks.

If they’ve been out recently, can you ask him where he was? Say somebody saw him or similar. If he lies then that should tell you what you need to know tbh.

BackInTheRoom · 09/01/2018 07:32

Is he:

Glued to his phone?

Going to the Gym more or now exercising at home?

Is he now taking more of an interest in his appearance eg, clothes, new haircut?

Has he suddenly started listening to new music?

Has he suddenly started to disagree with issues he previously agreed with you about?

Does he get cranky with the kids?

Does he keep mentioning a particular person, telling you all about said persons problems?

All of the above indicative of an affair.

RogueBiscuit · 09/01/2018 07:37

Yes I would look and I wouldn't feel bad about it either. This isnt spying for kicks, this is information that is life changing that is being hidden from you.

category12 · 09/01/2018 07:48

Yes of course. The suspicion isn't born of nothing.

No, you shouldn't get caught up in debating whether checking up on him is bad or not, because his deceit and behaviour led you to it.

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2018 08:13

I go out for lunch with friends and I also get emotional support from my friends; it doesn't mean I don't love my partner. Its not just one or the other.

I don't have an issue with my partner going for lunch with a female friend though.

NonplussedwithFB · 09/01/2018 08:46

I did and I felt really terrible about breaching his privacy BUT I had a gut feeling about it and had previous suspicions that I'd pushed down and it was affecting my mental health. I was driving myself a bit crazy trying to ignore what I knew deep down so I justified it to myself thinking he has no respect for me so why should I afford him the same? And I was right. You don't get these feelings out of nowhere. You'll have a huge back story and subtext to it OP. Hope you are okay

hellsbellsmelons · 09/01/2018 08:46

If it's not an EA yet then it will be soon.
From the limited information you have given I would keep digging.
Get screen shots of what you can and send them to yourself.
Do you have DC together?

yetmorecrap · 09/01/2018 11:17

Don’t feel remotely guilty, if it’s all innocent how come these ‘dates’ haven’t ever been mentioned in general conversation, or such stuff as ‘don’t make me a big meal as went for pub lunch with xyz etc

HipNewName · 12/01/2018 10:15

bump

Purplerain101 · 12/01/2018 10:22

It depends - were the messages flirty or purely platonic?
The fact he hasn’t told you he’s meeting her would ring massive alarm bells for me though. My OH is good friends with a woman but he always tells me when he’s meeting her, will message her in front of me without being sneaky, and invites me along most of the time. She’s also not reallt his type looks wise so I don’t think there’s any sort of attraction going on.
If it were me, i’d just be up front and say I’d looked at his phone and want to know what’s going on. It’s a tricky one though as he’ll no doubt downplay the situation or just get really defensive. Once the trust goes and you start to feel suspicious it can be very difficult to get back on track

StarlightSparkle · 12/01/2018 10:45

I wouldn’t say anything to him and would snoop some more. If there is something going on and he knows you’ve seen something he’ll delete all the evidence. Have there been any unexplained nights away or late nights lately?

lottieandmia22 · 12/01/2018 10:46

Gather evidence. Often snooping is sadly the only way to get proof of an affair because people minimise what they've done.

ravenmum · 12/01/2018 11:01

"Oh, by the way hubby, Janet thought she saw you down the pub on Thursday, but I told her it couldn't have been you as you were at work. It wasn't you, was it?"

ravenmum · 12/01/2018 11:08

Have you spoken to him about your suspicions - presumably he's been acting strangely - and if so, has he actually said "No, I am not having an affair"?

motherofdragonsx2 · 12/01/2018 21:48

From my own experience, I suspected, checked phone & all innocent so kept quiet but still had niggling doubt - a few months later this doubt was proven founded and the EA and a bit more all came to light. Taught me that i need to follow my gut instinct... and as for the 'racier' messages, they were deleted to leave just the normal ones as I knew they were messaging each other (we were all friends) so he thought it would look odd if there were none on his phone!

dazedandconfused2016 · 13/01/2018 00:05

Most people up to no good are not going to advertise it or admit it. That's why the police have to go undercover to catch criminals.

I would keep quiet and carry on gathering evidence. If he gets any inkling that you're on to him it will all be deleted and he will just learn how to cover his tracks better.

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