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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Step Kids and "mine"

19 replies

lifesteeth · 25/04/2007 18:12

having a conversation with dp last night and he admitted that if we were to have a baby together he would think alot more of his own than he does my kids and that his own would "inevitably" be prioritised and that the money would be spend 70/30 in favour of his child (excuse being that my kids have their maintanance ) he gave an example of "Say I gave the boys £15 each I'd give mine £20"

I got annoyed with him and said he wouldnt last 5 minutes with any woman I know and he said I just didnt understand and any man would be the same....

so, is he right???

OP posts:

maveta · 25/04/2007 18:21

How old are your kids? Do they live with you all the time? Do they see their birth father?

What I mean is, if they are with you 100% of the time and the maintenance you receive is therefore part of the household bills then I would expect all of the children to be treated equally.

If they spend weekends with their Dad and are then spoilt or treated when they are with him, presumably your dp could spoil/ treat his ´own´ child to that one on one time.

I would be furious with any inequality as blatant as giving his own kid 5 quid more than the others. That would just be pathetically petty.

lulumama · 25/04/2007 18:22

i would not contemplate having a baby with a man who can cut off his emotions and value his kids to the nearest pound

WigWamBam · 25/04/2007 18:25

Any man who said that to me wouldn't be my partner for much longer.

Surfermum · 25/04/2007 18:30

Dh took on his xp's 2 children as his own when he got together with her, in fact the little boy thought dh was his Dad. When their dd was born he treated them all the same. When they split up he wanted to remain in contact with all 3 children (although wasn't allowed and was devastated). So no, any man isn't the same.

As a step-mum I don't think you can love a biological child and a step-child in the same way. One's, well biological, the other is worked on and grown, but that aside I don't see any reason not to treat the two children the same.

TheWoman · 25/04/2007 18:33

Seems rather cold for him to have worked out percentages re money about it all.
I agree with Lulumama - I wouldn't contemplate having a child with a man who is already prioritising a child who isn't yet conceived over my other children.

Aimsmum · 25/04/2007 18:39

Message withdrawn

mistressmiggins · 25/04/2007 20:29

I would say that it shouldnt make any difference on a day-to-day basis

how is it going to make your children feel?

will-wise if your children are likely to inherit from their dad then I can kinda see that your dp would want your joint child to have more....

mumto3girls · 25/04/2007 20:33

My Dp is only the biological father of my youngest dd. He has known me since my others were 4 and 2.

Since the birth of his daughter he has been amazed by the overwhelming love he feels for her, but has in no way changed his attitude to my elder two and says he never would.

In our wills the children would get equal inheritance. I would think very carefuly before having a baby with this man...

ScoobyDooooo · 25/04/2007 20:35

What an arse

Lizzer · 25/04/2007 21:00

That is HARSH. My dp and I are epecting our first child but there is no way I would've considered it if he hadn't treated my dd with the upmost love and respect and if I'm honest money too. I agree you really ought to think twice before conceiving his 'golden' child. Oh that's made me

MrsApron · 25/04/2007 21:07

I thought he was on the way out anyway?

Caligula · 25/04/2007 21:08

Oh dear.

He sounds horrible.

How sad for any step children he may have.

mytwopenceworth · 25/04/2007 21:16

like it or not, there are people who just cannot feel the same for children that are not theirs. my dh has always said that he could not be with a woman who had children that were not his, as he could not feel the same way and that would not be fair to them.

i don't think men like this should be demonised. it is natural to feel something special for your biological offspring - why do a lot of people who cannot conceive go to such lengths to have ivf etc, when they could adopt? because in a lot of people the urge to have your own is so strong. not in everyone, there are people who have a very strong bond with children not biologically theirs.

so i dont think he is a horrible person for feeling this way. i do think that, if i was in a relationship with him and had kids that weren't his, i would be rethinking, because although i don't condemn anyone for such feelings, i wouldn't try to create a family with them. i dont think it could work. i would resent them at any display of favouritism.

Caligula · 25/04/2007 22:10

It's not his feelings of preference for his own genetic children I'd condemn - I agree that's perfectly understandable and imo acceptable.

It's his proposal that the other children within his family, not genetically related to him, should be treated obviously differently from his genetic ones. That's horrible.

edam · 25/04/2007 22:23

I'd walk away from any man who displayed such a Victorian attitude towards my children, tbh. Well, I'd do something rather stronger than walk, actually. What a f*ckwit. Sorry, but he's clearly a nasty piece of work (whether that's immediately apparent or not). And far too selfish to be a good father to anyone, biological child or not.

Do you really want to be responsible for helping his genes to survive?!

NKF · 25/04/2007 22:28

I can't see how that could work. Not if all the children are living in the same house. Also, don't people decide how much a child gets according to need and age? As to whether all men think like that, I doubt it.

1sue1 · 26/04/2007 07:50

has all been fine until this one comment?
If so, sounds like he's living in cookoo land and has a picture painted in his mind of what being a good dad means to him, which fair enough is putting his child first.
But not THAT literally! He probably thinks that putting his child first means more of everything. Can't see him doing it for real once the child is here! He sounds a bit of an over-acting drama lover like my ex was lol.

hoolagirl · 26/04/2007 13:08

Lifesteeth, I have a DSS who lives with us full time and I definetly do not have the same feelings for him as I do for my own DS (prob cos dss is a stroppy bloody teenager), however, I would NEVER NEVER tell DSS this, or make it so blatently obvious by giving 1 child more money than the other!!
I think this is shocking way to treat children and make huge differences to them. How else is he going to make the difference obvious, will one child get to wear rags the other be wearing designer gear????
Get a bloody grip!

RosaLuxembourg · 27/04/2007 00:11

He couldn't be more wrong. No man with any decency would feel like that. If I were you I would think very carefully about this relationship.

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