A post in which there is no drama but I'm quite happy with it nevertheless.

[akaWisey]

Just about 7 years ago my then H left me for someone who'd been his DP through university, 25 years previously; they'd split when she left him. This was his second affair during our long marriage and the first one was still going on, kind of, in that he never actually stopped seeing the first OW; the usual story of lies, lies, lies. It was traumatising, he behaved really, really dreadfully. I posted here a lot in the year that it all went tits up and I had a lot of wonderful support from posters.

So it's been kind of an unspoken agreement since then that he is not talked about between me and our DD and my DS's unless in a rare passing very general comment; apart from DD, my DS's and me have all been NC with him almost all the 7 years since the divorce. He moved away to be with OW.
I'm still single, sometimes the things which were said and done during that time still haunt me and I've avoided relationships.

However, I went for dinner with DD yesterday. We got to talking about her DF and the woman he left for and for the first time DD told me the reality of her DF's relationship with 'the real love of his life'.

Once she got talking DD just let it all out. I never thought I'd say this but a bit of me actually felt a bit sorry for her DF because if ever there was a tale of the grass not being greener it's my exH's. Even DD said that although she kind of thinks that he brought his situation on himself, she also wants him to be happy because he's her DF after all; and so, I realised, do I.

And me? Something has quietened in me that I so needed it to, even after all this time. So I'm not sure why I'm posting really. Maybe a poster from that time will read and remember but probably not. Maybe I just needed to get it out there so that I can look at it and read it back. Maybe someone is in what was my situation now and needs to know they'll be ok (you will be, btw). Maybe... I finally closed the door.

That's it

I think some people (maybe your DH) do not have the ability to settle and be a part of a committed relationship. They'll always be looking for 'the one' think that'll fix them. That it's the relationship that's the problem, not them.

Lovely post. I'm happy you're happy.

@akaWisey

Betrayed spouse here (Runaway Husband). Thank you for sharing OP. Very helpful to hear how this affair relationship progressed. I can imagine how you feel. Can I ask, what are their problems? Did your DD tell you?

@Bibbidee.

That's the funny thing, and what it meant to me may not relate to anyone else's situation. So, for example her DF has confided that the DP has never, once, told him she loves him; largely ignores him as do her DC's and my DD observes it's like he just does not have an identity in that family; he only stays there once a week (after 7 years!); there are other things but what really struck was that the DP is not interested in a (I guess) 'conventional' relationship in the way that the whole love story thing they appeared to have, brought my marriage to it's knees. I think what Goandplay said is right, however, my exH was/is one of those men who needs to rescue, needs adoration, needs to be important...

I might have, due to having spent a lot of time here on the boards, expected to hear about a lot of jealousy and arguing about money or whatever; or that he'd had yet another affair. But no, the thing that makes it a rather sad story in comparison to how I've fared over the years, is how.......diminished he sounds. I was immediately able to imagine him in one of the scenario's that DD described as having witnessed and I knew straight away that I can finally, finally turn away from the narrative that I somehow had failed. And that's when I felt sorry for him. Really sorry.

I can't give more details, and in any case these things are so nuanced by very personal and individual circumstances. But that's what makes it all such a non-dramatic story I guess.
I'm sorry you're going through this though. I also bought Runaway H, at the time but I didn't read it, I found all such books unhelpful at the time.

Eventually, finding my own identity as a single woman with a mind of my own and the resilience to survive and thrive were what helped. This latest turn of events has come to me at the right time, when I'm able to really process them in a detached way. So will you.

I remember you, Wisey. I was wondering the other day how you were. So glad to hear you are happy in your own skin these days, and that the DC are getting on fine. I seem to recall DD in particular being messed about by her F; but she's a smart cookie, she worked it all out.

From my own experience I reckon it's much easier to be sorry for the buggers when they're not in the midst of your own life, stirring everything up and making sure you can't just get on with things.

I saw your name on a thread yesterday Wisey and was so pleased to see it there. I remember you very well, your humour always shone through and it's good to know you've arrived at a peaceful place. x

I know that feeling OP. You can move on and achieve whatever you do wish xx