Family Problems after moving

[OverseasMum3]

We have recently moved to the UK from overseas. My husband is from the UK but we lived overseas for many years. We have a teenage daughter. She and my husband wanted to move, I said I would try it for 1-2 years. I really don't like the cold, rainy weather. So it's a struggle for me.

Our relationship has been stressful the past month. Our daughter does not want to live here anymore and is quite upset (she is ok staying until the end of the school year). We had originally said if we didn't like it would would move back in a year. My husband likes it, he's near friends and family. DD is very depressed, husband is very depressed at the thought of moving back in the autumn (esp. finding a new job and the physical move). I feel like I am caught in the middle. If we stay daughter will be depressed and behind in school. If we go back husband will be miserable. I'm trying to keep it together but am not sure what to do. I feel like telling my husband that we will stay here just to get him through the next six months. If he stays here I will had a hard time supporting us if we go back without him. I only make 1/4 of what he makes but can't find a job here. Don't know what to do.

What would make YOU happy op?

What is your husband doing to help you and your DD settle in? Does he have empathy?

I think that there is a point after any move with a teenager that they will be unhappy and feel like it isn't working. Figuring out if it is just a phase that will pass as they get involved in things and make friends vs the move really isn't working is difficult. Can you arrange for her to see a counselor? Having someone else to talk to could help. Does she have a hobby? A pet? Would a weekly lesson riding horses, painting pictures, or something else lift her spirits?

I don't do well with overcast, rainy whether either, and we've moved over and over for DH's career. Could you get involved with something - - volunteer work. It would get you around people and give you something to do while you sort out a long term plan.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

How long have you been in the UK?

I've been here 4 months, they came a month earlier. My husband does have empathy but has so many of his own problems it's hard for him to deal (anxiety, depression, having to change medications when he got here, drinks too much on weekends to self medicate). He is overly sensitive - at times I feel like I am dealing with two children.

DD tried gymnastics a few weeks but didn't like it. She wants to try musical theatre so will start that this week. Has friends she sits with at school but they do nothing on weekends, so she is quite lonely.

Private school so the kids are scattered and not in the same neighborhood. You are right, it's hard to tell normal teenage issues and being homesick from something worse. She has started seeing a counselor, but thinks it's a waste of time. I think when we feels better she doesn't want to see one but I think she only feels better because we agreed to move back in the summer.

We haven't really met anyone since arriving. I see my in-laws and they are lovely but don't really go out a lot. I go out a lot and have applied for a lot of jobs. I would like to do some volunteer work but am not sure where to look other than charity shops.

I would be happy to either leave in the summer and have my husband not be so miserable about it or stay another year but have my daughter be okay with it. I don't really want to stay long term but would be okay staying another year.

I think she only feels better because we agreed to move back in the summer

I didn't understand from your first post that you had already decided to move in the summer. I think you've made the situation worse by telling your DD you are moving because she doesn't have any reason to try to settle in.

Five months after a major move is nothing. To give someplace a real shot takes at least a year. Because you are moving again, even if you move back to the exact some place, things will be different and it will take time to settle in. I think that both you and your DD need to adjust your expectations or you could end up repeating this over and over. You have to stick someplace out, try new things, be resilient.

I think that you and your DH need to sit down and make a decision together that considers what is best for your daughter, but that she doesn't get to vote on. And then you need to stick with it. If you keep changing the plan, your family will never ever be happy. Every time you run away from the problems because you think that the place is making you unhappy, you end up starting over again.

Also, since you are near your DH old friends, why haven't you met their wives? Why haven't you met his co-workers wives? Why hasn't your DD met their children/teens? Part of this is on him. You moved to HIS territory, and he needs to be working his butt off to make it work and help the 2 of you make connections. Or else he risks losing his family.

I volunteer at a museum. Schools and libraries are other options, and community food programs, historic sites, nature reserves, etc.

I hope musical theatre goes well!

My friend's stepdaughter finds in difficult in her private school to have friendships at the weekend, because there's a very high % of boarders, and a bit of a rivalry thing about boarders not mixing with day girls...
Without wanting to throw even more change on your poor girl, have you found the right school for her?

HipNewName - yes, you may be right that we shouldn't have told her we would move back yet. But she also seemed to become less stressed about finding friends and instead of hanging out the the popular crowd found a few girls she likes and has more in common with. I think when she thought we had to stay here she was stressed about getting in the popular crowd now that stress is gone.

If we go back it wouldn't really be too much of an adjustment because we would be going back to the same familiar area. Maybe not the same school but a school she would already have some friends in. She misses the food, weather, high school experience, etc.

re - DH's old friends - no wives most of them are 50 year old men who have never had a job and just keep going to university. One has like 3 degrees and has never held a job. I think one has a kid who is an adult. So no opportunity to meet any women/kids through them. DH really only has old times and music in common with them but feels comfortable with them because he grew up with them. Only cousin is in 20's so dd can't meet friends through him. It's hard to meet people when your kids are teens since you don't really meet the parents, etc.

Husband works from home so no co-workers to socialize with (everyone is a remote worker). He is fine with not leaving the house for a week where I would go crazy if I didn't get out.

Ellisandra - the school does not have boarding - it's only a day school but the kids are scattered all over the city. The first month dd was hanging out with a popular crowd, went to a party and also hung out all day in town with a group of kids. All they seemed to do is walk from park to park drinking until some of them passed out. I was shocked that they started so young - some where just about to turn 14 and had been doing this for a year or two. Not that kids don't drink where we are from but it usually starts a year or two later and the parents don't give them bottles of vodka to take to parties.

The disappointing part is they don't have many things for her year group to do (school play is for S4 and up, there have been school dances but for younger and older students, no spring ski trip that's only for S1). If we had know all this we would have picked a different school. Also part of why she doesn't like it is she finds school incredibly easy, hardly any homework, they really should have put her in S4 rather than S3. Going over some things she already knew. I told them her birth date when we applied to the school. It's too late to move her up in the middle of the year since they have exams at the end of S4.

I am trying to find a job but most places want someone with UK experience. So the longer I stay here without a job the harder it will be to find one here or if we move back. I was told by some if looking for administrator positions to take my degree off my CV since they will think I am over qualified. Where we are from they like a degree for almost any sort of office job (Administrator or receptionist). So I'm not sure what to do in that respect. I know if we move back we can both get jobs (they are very plentiful in the area we are from) and the pay would be about double what it is here (not that that is the most important thing). Plus we can't buy a house here for years if we stayed because we have no credit history here. It's like starting over being an 18 year old again.

You told her you are going back, yet you say "if we go back." I honestly don't understand. Did you tell her you are moving without being committed to moving? If you don't move, it could really mess with her head and her ability to believe you.

I'm wondering about family counseling to sort this out. It seems that this move wasn't well thought out or researched, that your DH doesn't care how you or your DD feel, and that both you and your DD had unrealistic expectations of how long it should take to settle in from an international move. Why is your DH depressed about the thought of going back? What was so bad about it for him?

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I think that often the wife/mom ends up functioning like the shock absorber in the family. We take the hardest blows to try to keep things smoother for the other family members, to try to hold things together. It is very frustrating to not be able to find work, and I completely relate to finding cold rainy weather depressing.

You don't sound like you're committed to the move here yourself. And your dh sounds like he has a drink problem, which will feed his depression. Maybe you and dd should go back.

Four months is nothing. It would be a bloody miracle if you had a job by four months. When I lived in the US (following DH's work) it took me that long to find voluntary work, and then seven more months to find something paid. And that was with no kids in tow, CV and interview help from a friend of a friend, and social contact through sports and DH's work. You are doing brilliantly to have even applied! Honestly. Give yourself a pat on the back. And then keep plugging away.

I don't think you can know if you are going to be happy after just 4 months.

I moved to the UK from a different country and believe it took me at least 18months - 2years for it to start feeling like home. You have also been here for the worst months weather wise.

You need to get out and make some friends, can your DD organise a get together for her friends? Explore them local area (do some touristy sightseeing) book a weekend away in another part of the country. Join some groups or clubs, you could volunteer at your local food bank or charity shop or library to get out and meet people.

It takes hard work and determination to settle into a new country, your DD needs to see you trying too.

I think you should book things for you and your daughter to do. The Cinema, Theatre, Spa day, that kind of thing just to have quality time and make her experience more fun. And you'd enjoy it too. Your DH drinking is an issue tbh. He needs to find things to improve his mental health. He could join in the activities with you guys?

Maybe you and dd should go back

Can you legally take your DD and move out of the country? Would your husband give you legal permission to take her?

Thank you for all your replies. It is really helpful talking to someone.

When dd starting freaking out telling us how depressed she was in November we said if she still felt like that in the spring we could move back in the summer. At one point she was so down we considered (with dh's ok that if it got really bad she and I would go back sooner and he would stay here until the lease is up in the summer). There was a lot of school refusal, headaches, dizzyness, stomach aches, etc. I'm sure anxiety related.

I do think she thought it would be easier to move. I tried to tell her that it would be very different than home - the culture, weather, food, etc. I had lived in the UK many years ago for 3 years (but a different area) and didn't really like it mainly due to the weather and that we were young and had no money. I knew going into it the weather was going to be a real problem for me. Even at home if it''s cloudy more than one day I would feel down but. This was why I agreed to give it one year if we didn't like it, two years if we did. We thought it would be nice for dd to get to know the in-laws better even if it was just a year or two.

There are quite a few reasons for dh not wanting to move. He never felt quite at home where we lived and hadn't made close friends (after 25 yrs). He didn't have a lot in common with the men because all they talked about was sports that he wasn't into. A few things are going on now - we moved here and the job he was to start totally changed and people were being laid off, no one felt secure there so he looked for another job and and starts soon. He worked there for 4 months. So the main reasons are he doesn't want to find a another job so soon, leave his family (although I go see them more than him) and pack a crate full of our stuff when we move and have to sell the furniture we bought here. I told him we can get movers to deal with the crate.

Tbh I tried to talk him out of the move here - I pointed out the financial implications, we may not like it, etc. But I didn't want to be the one to put my foot down and say absolutely not. When he arrived (before me) he actually didn't like it - he missed the food, standard of living of home etc.

I think his expectations were unrealistic, he thought we would make a lot of friends at dd school, in the neighborhood, etc. We've only met our next door neighbors, very nice but much younger than us. I've met some women from where I from but I would really like to make some local friends.

Dh also has bad back pain, esp recently probably due to stress. I think staying over here is much worse for his drinking. It is such a part of the culture here, much more than home. The men all seem to drink a lot - a lot more than he does, so I worry about staying. He is drinking more because the doctor here basically decided that he can't have the anxiety medication that he has been taking for 20 years and is weaning him off. He usually drinks Thursday and Friday, sometimes Saturday evening. We always go out to eat as a family on Saturdays.

My daughter isn't very good at making plans. She always left it up to other friends to do at home. She has tried making plans to go out with 2 girls and they've changed the date 3 times. Supposed to be this weekend hopefully. We have gone shopping and to the Cinema. I try to get her to go sightseeing on weekends but she's at that age where everything we used to do is boring. And she's had quite a lot of colds since we got here, esp. the first 3 months.

We have also traveled to Europe once and went to another city in the UK for 2 nights. Husband and I enjoyed it, daughter was a bit bored. I've been to almost every castle within driving distance that is open in the winter.

I did have a call from a temp agency yesterday who I am calling back this morning. I hope they have something for me!

It takes at least 9 months to settle anywhere, and you are at a typical slump point probably compounded by the seasonal weather. Seasonal depression is a recognised condition.

You should be able to locate a volunteers' bureau nearby who pair people up with suitable community organisations. If not your local library or cab could signpost you or the doit website. You could either volunteer regularly or for ad hoc events. Are you eligible to work , if so perhaps a pt job will get you out and socialising. I do think it is a mistake to tell your dd you can leave this summer. It may be disruptive educationally again and stop her forming friendships. How old is she? Also bear in mind even if you were to return it may not be the same as when you left.

You said you would try it for 1-2 years. After four months you're wanting to go back on this agreement.

It was definitely a mistake to say what you did to your daughter.

You haven't given it anywhere near enough time to remotely try and settle here, especially bearing in mind you've not experienced a spring or summer.

That's putting aside any personal issues like DD keep getting colds and your DH's drinking.