Why do men become abusive?

[OnlyAbigail]

I've been with DH for 15 years. Until I got pregnant with our youngest child, 9 years ago, he was lovely, but has got more and more verbally abusive since then.

Why do men do it? It's ground my confidence and self esteem down and given me anxiety and mental health issues. He insists that everything is my fault, whatever it is, and I'm wondering if perhaps it is my fault that he changed?

I'd never have put up with this kind of shit in the beginning but of course years (and kids) later it's much harder to get out of a relationship and I'm stuck.

You’re not stuck. However, obviously it is harder to leave after a life lived, then at the beginning.

I am not sure if its men, per se, it’s experiences. Perhaps he’s not happy with his life and takes that out on you. Not acceptable, but it’s not in his chromosomes. It’s him - you will meet someone who isn’t abusive.

Why does anyone of either sex or any gender? It's not exclusive to men, actually.

As to why your partner has become abusive, sadly, don't know him.

As to what you can do about it, you can leave. Very few people are ever truly stuck and can't get out of a shit relationship.

I wonder is it because we've never seen that side of them until we become pregnant, and are then more vulnerable, easier to 'control', may have lost some of our independence (not just financial, although sometimes that too).

If this is now affecting your mental health you absolutely need to get away.
You cannot and should not live like this.
Please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and get some support to get away.
Your poor DC do not need to see you unhappy.
They can have a happy, free of abuse mum once you get away.

Many reasons:
Personality disorders
Low self esteem and self confidence
Social inadequacy
Mental illness
Developmental disorders such as Aspergers
Past experience of abuse themselves, including witnessing abuse
Desire to hurt and control (there is a group of abusers who don’t seem to have any known risk factors or experiences)

These are explanations NOT EXCUSES. Nobody is destined to be an abuser and most people HAVE A CHOICE.

As above - many reasons and no excuses. Do not try to rationalise dangerous behaviour - leave and please prioritise yourself and your DC

You don’t know whether this is just a phase - I mean for the worse. Things can get worse with anyone who will treat you badly once. Good behaviour from him now is no guarantee of safety and verbal abuse can just be the start

My exdh changed after I became pregnant. I felt like I somehow became part of his property and rather than gaining any respect (as the mother of his dc), I lost it entirely over a period of 3 years.
I think he thought I would never leave.
I left 18 months ago, haven't regretted it once.

Aspergers is NOT an “explanation” for abusive behaviour FFS. I am sick of ASD being demonised. Any time someone starts a thread saying that their DP lacks empathy someone will always pop up asking if they have ASD. Newsflash: most of these men are just assholes. What about women who are abusive? They’re far less likely to have ASD than men are.

Because they simply were not very nice people in the first place really. And as soon as things aren't going 100% their way (e.g. they get less attention and not as much 'wifework' from their wife when a baby comes along), their nasty side shows.

Insecurity.

‘ men are afraid women will laugh at them, women are afraid men will kill them.’
A very true phrase I believe.

@KenforPM: No one is demonising Aspergers. No one is saying that everyone with Aspergers is abusive. Some of the behaviours associated with Aspergers are experienced as abusive by those on the receiving end. It doesn’t matter what the reason is for someone saying hurtful things. They still hurt.
The following website contains a lot of information and most importantly personal experiences of those on the receiving end: heartlessaspergers.com

A lot of the time it’s because these men don’t view women as equals.

It happens when there's an imbalance in the relationship and from what I've seen over the years, there's three distinct scenarios where abusive behaviour becomes 'normalised', through just simply being together, living together, accepting that is is one's reality and being too fearful, for whatever reason, to challenge that reality.
Number One Reason: when there's a pregnancy or newly arrived baby and the partner doesn't get what's going on and feels put out, depressed, unhappy, challenged...basically, just doesn't 'get it'.
Number Two Reason: when one partner doesn't have strong boundaries or lets those boundaries weaken.
And Number Three Reason:...some people are nasty, egocentric, pathetic fuck-wits who will bring you nothing but heartache, anxiety, unhappiness and trauma.
And if you end up with one, you need to recognise there's no hope and get out.
Fast.
Abusers abuse because they can. Take away their power and they can't.
But the first step is to recognise that you are in fact, in reality, being abused. Once you understand that, you can action positive change in your life.

Aspergers is NOT an “explanation” for abusive behaviour FFS. I am sick of ASD being demonised. Any time someone starts a thread saying that their DP lacks empathy someone will always pop up asking if they have ASD. Newsflash: most of these men are just assholes. What about women who are abusive? They’re far less likely to have ASD than men are. AMEN!!

Sexism. In a word.

It encourages people of both genders to think in terms of entitlements. The reason there are a greater number of male abusers than female is because of the way we socialise boys to dominate and compete and as privileged members of society.

He knows you’re stuck and won’t leave because of the kids. So he gets lazy. Lazy with trying and lazy with caring about your feelings. He doesn’t need to care about what you think or feel anymore as he knows you’ll take whatever he throws at you. He’s probably always been sensitive to criticism but before kids you only saw the good side of him. Try standing up for yourself and calling his bluff. Tell him to leave if he can’t treat you with respect and mean it. Your kids are seeing the way he talks to you and it’s their “normal”. That’s got to be worse than having separated parents? Go to counselling on your own to give you the strength to do something about this

Abusers always were or are. They just wait to find or create an expolitable weakness to gain control.

I think abusive people have always been abusive due to their own experiences in their formative years, but maybe at the beginning years of a relationship they make an effort to hide the more distasteful parts of their personality.
However, under pressure, the muck rises to the surface- and let's face it, there's no time like pregnancy and parenthood to put the pressure on a person and show their true colours. I'm so sorry you're having these problems OP

My husband (isn't abusive, but we had problems) and I did The Marriage Course dvd and came to a much better understanding of each other. We were amazed how much our upbringing and family position influenced our own relationship- and we were able to repair and rebuild our relationship. I hope you can reason with him and do ring Women'sAid to get some support and advice. Your kids deserve better than seeing/hearing their mother disrespected and abused.