AIBU to not want another baby anymore?

[GloriousDolores]

Me (36) and DP (37) have been together 4 years. He has no DC but i have DS (7) from a pretty short marriage.

We've been very happy. DS stays with his dad 2 nights a week, he gets along great with DP. There have been some bumps concerning exH but all rubs along nicely now.

I love him, very very much. This is by far the best relationship I've had. Ive always been broody, if things had turned out differently, I'd have wanted a large family. DP would love to have another child. About a year into the relationship he told me it aas very important to him and needed to know if Id like more children.

Anyway, in May I had the coil removed because we'd decided to go for it. So far nothing....because you really need to be having sex regularly to concieve dont you? Something Ive pointed out a couple of times now.

Ive always had a higer libido than he has. I actually dont believe the myth that all men want lots of sex. Ive never been in a relationship where thats been the case and I don't think I'm a massive sex maniac, a few times a week, but every week, would suit me. Ive always been the one who wanted it more though.

Anyway, we seem to have a cycle, we'll do it lots for a week but then we'll have a dry spell for a few weeks. I've accepted it and I dont get frustrated anymore. Its the way he is and I love him. I did say from the beginning of TTC that I didnt want to get into telling him on my fertile days and demanding we have sex as I dont feel I can becuase of the conversations we've had. But I'd indicate to him every now again if this week or next week etc would be a good time to be more sexually active.

We're not more sexually active on those weeks. If anything less as he has recently started a new job. I was very upset for the first few months as I just thought it would never happen. It made me very aware of our different sex drives again when it hadn't been bothering me anymore. We spoke about it and he agreed we needed to have sex more if we wanted to have a baby.

Since his new job in November, its been less than ever.

The thing is, I kind of assumed I'd be pregnant by now. And as we head into this year, me nearing 37 and it looking very unlikely to happen any time soon Im starting to feel like maybe for me the time has passed.

I've just started to get in the swing of things with my business - my career was on hold for a lot longer than planed with being single mum for a couple of years, then DS starting school and I wanted to be there at the gates etc.

I feel like I dont want to be 38/39 and having that body battle after the birth again.

DS didnt sleep through until he was pretty much 5. Ive now had two years of good sleep.

Does all this sound massively selfish? Im just starting to feel like I might be ready to move on to the next life stage. Get back on the coil and put those other thoughts behind me.

I would usually talk to DP about such a big thing but I think it sounds like a threat. "Get your act together in the next few months or it's no baby".

I dont knoe if Im being cruel as I know how mucb he would love one and maybe I should give him a couple more months to get into the new job.

But the more time goes on the more I feel like I dint want to get pregnant.

Part of me is also angry and hurt although I cant really articulate properly why.

You're not selfish but neither is he unreasonable in wanting a baby. Would you and him consider him being a sahd?

I wouldn't have a child unless I really wanted one but I wouldn't stay with someone if I didn't have children and they didn't want any.

Don't ever have a child for someone else.
If you both want one then that's fine, but without sex you are not going to get pregnant.
If you are having doubts then stop trying for now until you can get your head fully around it all.
I had one and was very happy with that.
I wouldn't have wanted another at 40 either.
Although many women do and thoroughly enjoy it?
It's not easy but if you don't want another then please don't have one.

No I really wouldnt do that hellsbells i cant make up my mind if i dont wabt a baby anymore or I'm pissed off that he's not doing what it takes so I'm taking the option off the table to stop hurting about it

Can you sit him down and say look I think for me physically 37 is the cut off date for any more pregnancies. Thereafter I don’t want any more as everything’s more difficult.

Also ask him honestly does he really want a baby. He may have liked the idea of it previously, maybe he’s changed his mind now?

Also I would say you won’t get pregnant if you don’t have sex. And if he wants a baby he needs to want sex. It’s not a threat or anything it’s a fact.

How would you feel if you got pregnant now?

Realistically the only reason to have another baby is because you want one. If you don’t, then you shouldn’t be trying for one.

I actually tried for a second baby for several years and then reached a point in my life where it simply wasn’t what I wanted any more because of age gaps between potential children/my desire to go back to work etc. So I had a conversation with my H about it and we actively stopped trying. As it turned out, we split up shortly after for different reasons but looking back the decision was right for me, and even though I am now in a different relationship the thought of another baby fills me with horror now.

But you have to make the decisions that are right for your family. You do also have to talk them through with your partner though because if having a baby is that important to him he may not see a future in this relationship. However, given you say that he seems to have not been so on board with actually having sex at the right times it’s possible that his wanting to have a baby is a romantic idea in his head. But talk to him.

Perhaps print out/ show him all that scary info out that about what happens to women's fertility after 36 and all the increased risks of complications to help support you. You can always change your mind about having children. You can't be expected to have one against your will.

I have said that fuzzy and he insists it what he wants and he is going to make life changes such as go to bed earlier to make sex more likely. TBF the last couple of months have been strange.

chaos i really dont know how i would feel now. Only a few months ago i felt like i wanted it more tha anything. I was desoerate to be pregnant and have a baby and do it all with him. And now, suddenly, it just doesnt ring true in me. Its like i suddenly cant envisage it